Favorite Jokes

[Cindy K]

Fresh from my Inbox

Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

[Diane]

This one got me...

Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

I'm laughing so hard, my sides hurt.:D

Diane

[DragonLensmanWV]

There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money
for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to
like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more
and more time at the florist shop.

The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the
shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the
florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh
the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar,
accordingly, returned to the church.

The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..

[DragonLensmanWV]

WV Diction Test

Some may recognize this. If so - you might be a redneck.

Let's hear you people say these lines out loud:


"MR PIGS"

"MR NOT PIGS"

"OSAR"

"LIB"

"MR PIGS."



Mind you, this is a conversation between two people.
And the answer is::
<Spoiler space>












"Them are pigs"

"Them are not pigs"

"Oh, yes they are."

"Well, I'll be."

"Them ARE pigs."

[Sean]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right there
and flew away. Minutes later, the man
watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
to his car and into his gas tank. After a
few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the
car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed.
"What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."

[DragonLensmanWV]

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right there
and flew away. Minutes later, the man
watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
to his car and into his gas tank. After a
few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the
car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed.
"What did you put in my gas tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."

Mutter, mutter.

Good one!

[Cindy K]

Straight from the Inbox

Tired of receiving calls from unwanted callers? Try this message on your answering machine:

'You've reached "___________". I'm not available right now but thanks for calling.
I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the tone. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

[Cindy K]

And yet another from the inbox

For all you new moms and dads and those yet to be...




Pregnancy Q & A
Q: Should I have a baby after 40?
A: No, 40 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes , in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

[rinselberg]

Another one from the late Irish comedian Dave Allen. You don't have to be United Kingdom, Irish or "Aussie" to appreciate it if you're well-traveled.

In 1967, Australia lost its prime minster when Harold Holt drowned near shore during a private swim.

Some time later, Dave Allen worked this into one of his monologues on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" ...

After the PM drowned, he found himself in front of the Pearly Gates, and was challenged by St. Peter to identify himself.

Holt: "I'm the prime minister of Australia."

St. Peter: "Can you prove it?"

Holt: "How the bleedin' 'ell am I suppos'd to prove to you that I'm the bleedin' prime minister of bleedin' Australia?"

St. Peter: "You just did."


Rinsel's Werewolf Test ... a few have dared, but no one has submitted a correct answer. Could you be the first?

[Sean]

This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
"No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
"But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
"Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
"Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
"What?" "It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

[Sean]

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we had a great time."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again.
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is going at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

[DragonLensmanWV]

Back in the Roman days, there was a farmer who lived on the outskirts of Rome. He was a very successful farmer, having learned how to grow all manner of things better than all of his peers.
One year, he grew a bunch of strawberries. One of them grew to truly gigantic proportions, bigger than anyone had ever even heard of. This strawberry was big enough to fill a wheelbarrow! Of course, all his neighbors and friends kept coming by every day to congratulate the farmer and praise his enormous berry. Naturally, word of this fruit eventually came to the ears of the current Emperor, Caesar. Being what he was, the Caesar naturally believed the berry belonged to him, as did everything in the Empire. So he sent some centurions to the farmer's house to confiscate the berry and take it to the Emperor.
When they got there, there was a huge crowd gathered around the berry patch praising the berry and the farmer. The centurions shouldered their way through the crowd and came up to the farmer who asked if they were there to laud the fruit.
The leader of the centurions said, "No, we are here to seize your berry, not to praise it."

[rinselberg]

from the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large"

90 second video clip

[youtube]AcXGObhcTW4[/youtube]


For more Dave Allen posts

http://www.optiboard.com/forums/showpost.php?p=193124&postcount=69

[DragonLensmanWV]

I heard this one from a friend that lives in Italy. A variation of one we've all heard.

There was an airplane carrying The Pope, a Boy Scout and Prime Minister Berlusconi. It developed engine trouble and it turned out there were only two parachutes. Berlusconi cried out, "I am the Prime Minister of a great country - I must be saved!" Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. The Pope says to the Scout, "My son, take the last parachute - I've lived a long and pious life, I don't have much to fear." The Boy Scout says to the pope, "Don't worry Father, that smart Prime Minister jumped out of the plane with my backpack, there's parachutes for us both."

Meanwhile, down on a lake in Italy, two men were fishing when they heard a loudening scream and whoosh! The Prime Minister landed in the water nearby. Not knowing who it was, they rowed over and pulled him gasping from the water. He was extremely grateful and told them, "Whatever you want, you can have for saving my life!" The first man thought and said he would like a nice Roman villa and a healthy income for life. "Done!" exclaimed the Prime Minister. The second man thought and said, "I'd like a huge reward - and a wheelchair." "Done" cried the Minister, "But why do you want a wheelchair?"
The man said, "Because if my father ever finds out I saved your sorry butt, he'll break my legs!"

[optical24/7]

Dead Duck..

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.



The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."