Any Good Joke lately

**MVEYES** · 07-21-2002, 04:40 PM

Poultry

> > > Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had
> > > several hundred young layers, called pullets, and
> > > eight or ten roosters, whose jobs were to fertilize
> > > the eggs.
> > >
> > > Zeb kept records, and any rooster or pullet that
> > > didn't perform well went into the pot, and was
> > > replaced. That took an awful lot of time to keep
> > > track of them, so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and
> > > attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on
> > > the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply
> > > by listening to the bells.
> > >
> > > Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster, and a very
> > > fine specimen he was too. One day, however, his bell
> > > didn't ring all morning! Zeb went to investigate.
> > > Several roosters were chasing pullets, bells
> > > a-ringing! BUT, Brewster had his bell in his beak
> > > so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up! on a pullet, do
> > > his job and walk on to the next one. Zeb was so
> > > proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county
> > > fair.
> > >
> > > Brewster was an overnight sensation!!
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > HANG ON - THIS IS GOING TO BE PAINFUL
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > The judges not only awarded him the no bell piece
> > > prize but also gave him the pulletsurprise

:bbg: Jerry

**MVEYES** · 07-25-2002, 06:53 AM

<< First Class Blondie

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for
the
coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead
to the
first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be
much larger
and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one.

The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her
seat is
in coach.

The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going
to sit
here all the way to LA."

Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the
captain
of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that
her
assigned seat is in coach.

Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm
going to
sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to cause a
commotion,
and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot.

The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can
take care
of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into
the
blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much,"
hugs the
co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section.

The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention,
together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going
to LA."

:D Jerry

**MVEYES** · 07-28-2002, 07:38 PM

A priest and pastor from the local churches are standing by
the side of the road holding up a sign that reads. "The End Is Near!
Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" They planned to hold
up the
sign
to each passing car.

"Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" yelled the first driver as he
sped by.

From around the corner they hear screeching tires and a big
splash. "Do you think," said one clergy to the other, "we
should just put up a sign that says " Bridge Out" instead?"

:bbg: Jerry

**chip anderson** · 07-28-2002, 10:11 PM

Had a patient for whom I was painting an iris for a prosthetic eye in the office.

I am applying all these colors to the iris while useing the patient for a model and allowing his wife to look on.

After a while the wife remarks: "Look at all those colors, and all these years you thought your eye was just S___ Brown!

I couldn't paint for the next five minites.

Chip:p

**MVEYES** · 07-31-2002, 07:57 AM

AMISH STORY

> An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed
by
> almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver
walls that
> could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked,
"What
> is this, Father?"
> The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have
never
> seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
> While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat
old lady
> in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button.
> The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small
room. The
> walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular
numbers
> above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch
until it
> reached the last number and then the
> numbers began to light in the reverse order.
> Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous
> 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
> The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his
son,
> "Go get your mother."

:D Jerry

**MVEYES** · 07-31-2002, 08:02 AM

The Athiest

>An atheist was walking through the woods one
>day, admiring all that evolution had created.
>"What majestic trees! What a powerful river!
>What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
>
>As he was walking alongside the river, he
>heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.
>Turning to look, he saw a 8 foot grizzly bear
>beginning to charge towards him.
>
>He ran as fast as he could down the path. He
>looked over his shoulder and saw that the
>bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he
>ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes.
>
>He looked again and the bear was even closer.
>His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run
>faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to the ground.
>
>As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear
>was right over him, reaching for him with its
>left paw and raising its right paw to strike him.
>
>"OH MY GOD! ..."
>
>Time stopped.
>
>The bear froze.
>
>The forest was silent.
>
>Even the river stopped moving ...
>
>As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a
>thunderous voice came from all around,
>
>"You Deny My Existence For All These Years,
>Teach Others That I Don't Exist;
>And Even Credit Creation To Some
>Cosmic Accident. Do You Expect Me
>To Help You Out Of This Predicament?
>Am I To Count You As A Believer???"
>
>Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly
>into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical
>to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but
>perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"
>
>"Very Well." said The Voice.
>The light went out.
>The river ran.
>The sounds of the forest resumed.
>
>.... and the bear dropped down on his knees, brought
>both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord,
>thank you for this food which I am about to receive."
>Amen!

Jerry
:bbg:

**Sean** · 07-31-2002, 07:11 PM

There are three ways to tell if you are getting old.The first is a loss of memory.The second is..................

**MVEYES** · 08-01-2002, 07:00 AM

I forgot the first one already:D

Jerry:D

**Sean** · 08-01-2002, 07:17 PM

MVEYES said:
I forgot the first one already:D

Jerry:D

LOL!....That was even better than my original:bbg: :cheers: :bbg:

**Sean** · 08-02-2002, 04:57 AM

Two competitive silkworms had a race........It ended in a tie.

**MVEYES** · 08-07-2002, 07:54 AM

hillbilly computer lingo

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hlll with 3 flat tires and
pulling a trailer load of fertilizer

Keyboard: Place to hang yur truck keys

Window: Place in the truck to lang your gun

Floppy: When you run out of Polygrip

Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions

ROM: Delicious when you mix it with Coca-Cola

Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase

Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff

Network: Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line

Mouse: Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a
free case

LAN: To borrow as in, "Hey, Delbert! LAN me your truck"

:D :D :bbg: Jerry

**MVEYES** · 08-13-2002, 04:47 PM

STOCK TIP

Just received this from my broker. I normally
don't pass stock tips on, but I thought this exception
would be OK. If you hold any of the following
stocks, you may want to review them:
............... American Can Co.
............... Interstate Water Co.
............... National Gas Co.
............... Northern Tissue Co.
Due to the uncertain market conditions at this time,
we advise You to sit tight on your American Can,
hold your Water, and let go of your Gas.
You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue
touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped
clean.

:D :D :D Jerry

**MVEYES** · 08-15-2002, 06:09 PM

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your
load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck
stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of
her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the
window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is
Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the
trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red
light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out
of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your
load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next
light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs
back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
says..."Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the
SALT TRUCK!

:bbg: :D :cheers: Jerry

**MVEYES** · 08-15-2002, 06:11 PM

A green horned northerner went down to Texas on vacation.
One evening he decided to go for a drink at his hotel's bar. Swinging a leg
over the stool he calls out,
"Barkeep, I'd like a beer."

The barkeep asks, "You want a Texas size beer?"

Without hesitation the northerner answers, "Yep! I want it Texas sized."

The barkeep goes to get the beer and brings back a barrel of beer.
The northerner looks in surprise at the size of his beer.
"Well, if I'm going to drink all this I better get some popcorn."

"Texas size?" The barkeep ask.

Nodding the northerner says, "Yep! Texas size."

The barkeep leaves and brings back a bushel basket of
popcorn and puts it beside the northerner. A long time
later the barrel of beer is almost empty and the popcorn
gone. The northerner sees the barkeep and motioning him
over slurs out, "Where's the bathroom?"

The barkeep points down a hallway. "Just go down that
hall and take the first door on the left."

The Northerner stumbles and staggers down the hall but
instead of taking the first door on the left he takes the first
door on the right. He goes into the dark room looking for a
light switch and falls into the hotel swimming pool.

"HELP! HELP!" He cries out. The barkeep runs into the
room and turns on the light.

The northerner in a panic cries out.
"Don't flush it! Don't flush it!"

:bbg: :bbg: :bbg: Jerry

**MVEYES** · 08-18-2002, 03:13 PM

One in a Million

>>
>>
>> A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
>> officer.
>>
>> She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs
>> to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
>> security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new
>> Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the
>> bank...she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees
>> to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
>>
>> The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
>> blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000
>> loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into
>> the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
>>
>> Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the
>> interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we
>> are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has
>> worked out very nicely; but, we are a little puzzled.
>>
>> While you were away, we checked you out and
>> found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would
>> you bother to borrow $5,000?"
>>
>> The blonde replies...."Where else in New York City can I park my
>> car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I
>> return?"
>>
>>
>> Finally, a smart blonde

:D Jerry

**Mary Lou Morey** · 09-11-2002, 06:16 PM

Poland experienced it's worst air disaster in history today when a small 2-seater airplane crashed into a cemetary. Polish search and rescue worker have recovered 826 bodies so far and fear the count will increase as they dig through the night.