Any Good Joke lately

[MVEYES]

The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an
outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold
in the winter and smelled bad all of the time. The outhouse was sitting on
the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that
outhouse into
the creek.One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little
boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got
a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the
creek and floated away.That night his dad told him they were going to the
woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked
why. The dad replied, "someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It
was you, wasn't it, son?"The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and
said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a
cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."The dad
replied, "well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree!"
author unknown


:D :bbg: :D Jerry

[MVEYES]

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL:

>1. Pick up the cat, and cradle it in the crook of your
> left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger
>and thumb on either side of the cat's mouth, and
>gently apply pressure to the cheeks whilst holding
>the pill in the right hand. As you gradually ease the
>cat's mouth open in this fashion, pop the pill into
>it's mouth and allow the cat to close mouth and swallow.
>
>2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
>Cradle the cat in left arm again, and repeat process.
>
>3. Retrieve cat from under the bed in the main
>bedroom, and throw away the soggy pill.
>
>4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
>arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force
>jaws open and thrust pill to the back of it's mouth with
>right forefinger. Hold cat's mouth shut for count of ten.
>
>5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
>of wardrobe.
>
> Call spouse in from garden to assist.
>
6. Kneel on floor with cat firmly wedged between
>knees. Hold front and rear paws. Ignore growls
>emitted from cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head
>firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler
>into mouth. Drop pill down ruler, and rub cat's throat
> vigorously.
>
>7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get another pill
>from foil wrap.
>
> Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and repair
>curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
>and vases from floor, and set aside for gluing later.
>
>8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
>on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit.
>Put pill in end of drinking straw and force cat's mouth
>open with pencil. Blow forcefully down straw.
>
>9. Check label on cat's pills to see if they are
>harmful to humans. Drink beer to take away the
>taste and apply band-aid to spouse's forearm.
>Remove blood from carpet with soap and water,
>and discard shredded towel in waste bin.
>
>10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another
>pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and
>close door on cat's neck so as to leave only the head
>protruding. Force mouth open with spoon, and however
>much force it takes. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
>
>11. Fetch screwdriver from garage to put the cupboard
>door back on hinges. Drink beer. Pour scotch and drink
>in one gulp. Apply cold compress to cheek, and
>check date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress
>to cheek to disinfect, and toss back another shot for good
>measure. Throw T-shirt in bin next to shredded towel.
>
>12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across
>the road, and apologize profusely to neighbor who
>crashed into his pool whilst swerving to avoid the cat.
>Take last pill from foil wrap.
>
>13. Tie the little sod's front paws and rear paws tightly
>to legs of metal garden chairs with twine. Find heavy
>pruning gloves from shed. Push into cat's mouth,
>followed by a large piece of fillet steak. Hold cat's
>head vertical, and pour two liters of water down cat's
>throat to wash down pill.
>
>14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to
>drive you to emergency room for stitching of your
>fingers and forearm, and removal of pill from your left nostril.
>Call in at garden center on way home to get new garden chairs.
>
>15. Arrange with SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell,
>and find out if they have any hamsters who need good homes.
>
>HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:
>
> 1. Wrap it in bacon.


:D :bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one
carrion allowed per passenger."




:bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and
became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and
never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the
lesser of two weevils.




:bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour,
the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they
asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I can't stand chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.

:D :bbg: :bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a
small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from
the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went
back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

:bbg: :) Jerry

[Maria]

Q) What goes stiff after three strokes?

A) Princess Margaret.

[Sean]

Three strokes.........LOL! That was great.A little cruel ...........but that made it all the more funnier. ;)

[MVEYES]

Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple
of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Looky thar up
ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted
fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and
finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels, stick them
on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', Okay?" said Earl.
They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under
the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they
reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You
boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

:bbg: :bbg: :bbg: Jerry:cheers:

[Sean]

Man who drive like hell,bound to get there.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.


:p

[Sean]

Virginity like bubble,one prick, all gone.

War does not determine who is right,war determine who is left.
















war

[MVEYES]

Yesterday, scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of
female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them started to talk nonsense and couldn't drive.



:D Jerry

[MVEYES]

> On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes
> through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and
> things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by
> lightning. One woman in particular loses it.
> She stands up in the front of the plane. Screaming,
> "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells,
> "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes to be memorable!
> Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"
> For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.
> They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
> Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
> "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
> He is gorgeous, Tall, Built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black
eyes.
> He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.............
>..............................one button at a time.!!!!!!!
> .............................No one moves.
>..............................He removes his shirt.!!!!!!
> Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her,
>he extends the arm holding his shirt out to the trembling woman,
>...................................And whispers:
>..................................."Iron this."



:finger: :hammer: :bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

PROFESSIONAL QUIZ

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are
qualified to be a "professional." Scroll down for
each answer. The questions are not that difficult.


1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?





The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe
and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do
simple things in an overly complicated way.






2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?




Wrong Answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the
refrigerator. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe,
put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.


3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All
the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?




Correct Answer: The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator. This
tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions
correctly, you still have one more chance to show
your abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross, but crocodiles inhabit it. How do you
manage it?






Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the animal
conference. This tests whether you learn
quickly from your mistakes.

According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals
they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several
correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the
theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.


:bbg: :D :cheers: Jerry

[MVEYES]

CONFESSION

> > Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me
> > Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with
> > seven different women."
> >
> > The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze
> > them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
> >
> > "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
> >
> > "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe
> > that silly grin off your face."

:D Jerry

[Night Train]

Three women die together
in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there,
St.Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don'tstep on the ducks."So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.It is almost impossible not to step on a duck. Although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidently steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"The next day,the
second woman accidently steps on a duck, and along comes St.
Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another
extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman
has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. But one day, St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on...very tan, muscular and thin. St.
Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks,
"I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to
you for all eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck."

[MVEYES]

> One More Clinton Joke. Man, what a legacy!
>
> Bill Clinton began jogging near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each
> run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
> day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he
> approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow.
>
> "Fifty dollars!", she would shout from the curb.
>
> "No. Five dollars!", fired back Clinton.
>
> This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days.
>
> He'd run by.
>
> She'd holler, "Fifty dollars".
>
> He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"
>
> One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his
> jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill
> suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear
> (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a darn good
> explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.
>
> As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became
> overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there
> she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the
> streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.
>
> Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill, "See what you get for five
> bucks?"


:bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

WOMEN DRIVERS ARE A HAZARD TO TRAFFIC!!!
> >
> >Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I
> > looked over to my left, and there was a woman in a
> > brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her
> > face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
> > eyeliner!
> >
> >I looked away for a couple of seconds and when I
> >looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still
> > working on that dang makeup!!!
> >
> >It scared me so bad I dropped my electric shaver,
> > which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all
> > the confusion of trying to straighten out the car
> > using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked
> > my cell phone away from my other ear, which fell into
> > the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN
> > IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!
> >
> >DANG WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!

:shiner: :D :bbg: :cheers: Jerry

[MVEYES]

Perfume and Love Stamps

> A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding
man
> standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright
> pink
> envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
> and
> starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better
of
> him, so
> he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
> The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess
> who?''"
> "But why?" asks the man.
> "I'm a divorce lawyer...":bbg:

:D Jerry

[Night Train]

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, an insomniac and a dislexic?

Someone who stays up all night wondering if their really is a dog.

[MVEYES]

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check up and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and
that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out
chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there has got to be more
to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said
my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and in fact he hunted
turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a
turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said,
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
turkey hunting with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No.. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a
118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

:bbg: Jerry

[bachster]

thanks for the good jokes . i enjoyed them all!! va optician!

[MVEYES]

A blonde had just totalled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she
managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying
fresh lipstick when the police arrived. My God!" the cop gasped. "Your car
looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK
ma'am?" "Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped. "Well, how in the
world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along
this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I
swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left
and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another
tree! I
swerved to the left and there was ...." "Uh, ma'am", the officer said,
cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your
air freshener swinging back and forth."


:cheers: :bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

FOURTH GRADE CLASS

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a
few minutes. When she returned, she found the children
in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely
quiet.

She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen
anything like it before. This is wonderful. But,
please tell me, what came over all of you?

Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"

Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and
said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came
back and found us quiet, you would drop dead."



:bbg: Jerry

[MVEYES]

OOOHH THAT SMELL.....

My 3 year old son had a lot of problems with potty
training; and I was on him constantly. One day we
stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between
errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so
of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and
she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked
to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said,
"No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." Then I
said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?"
"No," he replied. I just knew that he must have, because
the smell was getting worse. Sooooo.... I asked one more
time, "Matt, did you have an accident?" Matt jumped up,
yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks
and yelled... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos,
he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his
food as if nothing happened. I was mortified! Some
kind elderly people made me feel a lot better, when
they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had
ever had!!! Another old gentleman stopped us in the
parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and
said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same
thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make
the point like you did."


:D :bbg: :bbg: Jerry