Canton, OH 10/05/09- Following remarks made by members of the Baltimore Ravens defense, the commissioner's office has clarified the NFL's policy on the protection of quarterbacks (aka the "Brady Rule"). The commissioner stated that a new version of the rule would- in fact- apply only to New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady.
In a speech aired on The NFL Network, Commissioner Goodell issued the following prepared remark. "The NFL considers Tom Brady a valuable commodity, and- as such- seeks to ensure his well-being and success. For years, the NFL allowed the Patriots to steal signals from opposing defenses in order to best protect Tom. Unfortunately, what was intended as a covert protection scheme was uncovered by the bungling of Patriot staffers, and that program had to be discontinued. As a result, the Patriots were unable to protect their quarterback- with devastating results.
Therefore, the league is now taking further steps to secure Tom's well being. A collection of proximity sensors will be located on strategic areas of his uniform. When a sensor detects an impending contact, a pink flag will be ejected from his uniform pants- specifically from the area where most players keep their manhood. Upon release of the flag, defenders must cease their pass rush, and Tom will be given an extra 1.5 seconds to release the ball before being considered 'down.'"
In response to concerns expressed by both the media and the legal gambling establishment that the rule creates an unfair competitive advantage, Mr. Goodell noted "My office has extended this option to several of the league's premier quarterbacks; however, at this time Mr. Brady is the only player willing to take advantage of the offer."
In other news, CNN has uncovered rumors that Bill Belichick- coach of the New England Patriots- is actually a homeless person who lives under the bleachers on the North side of Gilette Stadium. A sources close to team owner Robert Kraft (who asked to remain anonymous) said, "I just don't understand it. Mr. Kraft pays Bill a lot of money. Even after taking into account the ridiculous taxes we pay in Massachusetts, he could certainly afford to live and dress well. For some reason, however, he insists on wearing hand-me-downs and lives out of a cardboard refrigerator box. It's just really sad."
Finally, FoxNews reports that Tom Brady is being investigated for using "synthetic hormones." Although details are still unclear, it appears equipment and chemicals consistent with the manufacture of synthetic estrogen were found in a vacation home owned by Ms. & Mrs. Brady.
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Originally Posted by Night Train
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