Originally Posted by
tigerlilly
Okay. Be forewarned that I've spent a lot of time editing and proofreading for both technical and fiction writers, and while I consider my grammar and mechanical skills to be above average, I don't see myself as the ultimate authority. With that in mind, let's break it down:
My name is Heather Allen, and once again, welcome. You need commas to break this up.
My background in optics started with an 3 and 1/2 year apprenticeship under a licensed optician, while apprenticeing I took various ophthalmic optics courses, completed a 6 month internship and eventually became myself; a licensed dispensing optician in the state of NC.
There's a few problems here. Firstly, drop the 'n' and turn an into a. Next, write out three and a half, which is more appropriate and easier to read. It gives better flow, if that makes any sense. Next, turn the comma after optician into a period, and that will break up that long run-on sentence. Something like, "... licensed optician. As an apprentice, I took various opthalmic courses and completed a six month internship, eventually earning my status as a licensed dispensing optician in the state of North Carolina." That edit fixes both the abbreviations and the misused semicolon.
Actually, it wouldn't hurt to go through all the pages and get rid of all the semicolons. Don't abuse the poor little things! It makes them cry. :(
Seriously, though, semicolons are a tricky thing, and most people use them incorrectly. It's also hard not to come across as overly formal or pretentious when using them in an informal setting like this. Anywhere I've seen them on this site, a comma or a period and a new sentence would do just as nicely.
I also hold Board certification through the American Board of Opticianry as well as certification as a Contact Lens Technician through the National Contact Lens Registry Examiners.
Fix the inconsistent capitalization here. If Board should be capitalized (which I don't actually think it should), then Certification should be as well, since they're two words in the same title or descriptor. A comma after opticianry wouldn't be misplaced, either.
My qualifications allow me to serve you, my clients; with the utmost in care and compassion. I also serve my community through the Lions Club as a director and will be serving as a committee member in the up coming year. Our offices goals extend beyond the offices walls and into our community.
Fix the spelling on committee, and change the semicolon to a comma. Offices is tricky, because it needs an apostrophe, but it looks weird with it. It would be better to change it to something like, "Our mission to serve others extends beyond our office walls and into the community."
Does all of that make sense?
Bookmarks