1. An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "Seven points."
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says
"Touchdown, tie score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field Goal, I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidently poops in the bed.
The wife says, 'What the heck was that?' The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

2. The Sheer Nightgown

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from \$250 to \$500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the \$500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the \$500 refund for myself."

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, "Good Grief! You'd think for \$500, they'd at least iron it!"

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin......donations in lieu of flowers to the National Association for Retarded Husbands (NARH).

3. Chocolate Mathematics

1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate between once and ten times. (nevermind if you want it more often)

2. Multiply this number by 2. (just to be bold)

3. Add 5. (for Sunday)

4. Multiply by 50.

6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

7.You should have a three digit number.

8. The first digit is your original number of times you wanted chocolate.

8. The last two digits are your current age.

4. It ain't workin' for me Dragon, though I wish it were right. I'd love to be 46 again.

:cheers:

5. Originally Posted by optical24/7
It ain't workin' for me Dragon, though I wish it were right. I'd love to be 46 again.

:cheers:
Me neither, I'm 48 again.

6. Originally Posted by optical24/7
It ain't workin' for me Dragon, though I wish it were right. I'd love to be 46 again.

:cheers:
Hmmm. it used to work , but now I get the right first number, but the last two are wrong unless I add the first number to them.
DOH!

Oh well, try this nifty calculator trick:
Enter this digit 12345679
Multiply by any single-digit multiple of 9.
The resulting overflowed number (all identical) will be the multiple of 9 that you used.

7. There once was an explorer who had heard about an entrance into the undergound world, much like Pellucidar or Journey To The Center Of The Earth. So after years of searching, one day he actually found such an entrance.
Down, down, deeper and deeper he went, observing strange new lifeforms and such. After traversing many crevasses and crawling through squeezeholes he came upon a larger cavern that had a slight bioluminescence to it, so he could see small shadowy figures moving around. The next thing he knew, he was surrounded by a group of small round balls of fur with little arms, little legs, little hats and little guns. Not knowing what else to do he said "Take me to your leader." One of the furballs motioned for him to follow and he was escorted into yet another larger chamber. In the center of this chamber was a throne, and sitting upon the throne was yet another furball with little arms, little legs, a little hat and mounted atop his little hat was a large hypodermic syringe.
So the explorer said, "I am from the surface of this planet and we are called humans. I'm not a leader, but I wish to bring you good wishes and companionship from the surface-dwellers."
The little furball said, "We are called Furries. I AM the leader here and you may call me The Furry With The Syringe On Top."

8. Freudian

Did you hear about the dyslexic, angostic, insomniac?

He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

I apologize in advance if this joke has already been told in this thread, I wasn't going through all 7 pages again to see, lol

9. I got this one 2 weeks ago and I'm still laughing!

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife.

Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?'
'Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies.
'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' 'Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Cooter's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow.' Then I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.'

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff.

10. A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral.”

11. Funeral For a Homeless Man

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years."

12. After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the L. A. Times read: California archaeologists, finding traces
of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a hundred years earlier
than the New Yorkers.'

One week later, The Charleston Gazette, a local newspaper in Charleston , W.V. reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Possum Hollow, Bubba Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, W.V. had already gone wireless.

13. Three couples die in an accident. They're standing in line to enter Heaven. The first couple goes up to St. Peter and says, "Let us in!" St. Peter looks in his big book, shakes his head and says, "All your life, all you ever worshiped was Money, Money, Money. You even married a girl named Penny! Now go to Hell!" and the cloud opened up and they dropped from view. The next couple goes up and says, "Let us in!" St. Peter looks at his big book again, shakes his head and says, "All your life all you ever worshiped was Booze, Booze, Booze. You even married a girl named Sherry! Now go to Hell!" and the cloud again opened up and they fell from view.
The third couple starts to go up to St. Peter, but then the husband shakes his head and says, "Never mind. Let's go, Fannie."

14. Ok, here's one:

Rene' Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Would you like a drink?"
"I think not" says Descartes, and abruptly disapears..

15. There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how
cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was
the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell
onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and
took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and
fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But
the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and
went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of
several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a
match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
He won.

16. The Old Man

An Old Man went to his Doctor and told him he wanted a complete examination, not a quick once over. The Doctor checked him over, took a blood sample and x-rays then told the old man that to make it complete he had to get a sperm count. The Doctor then handed the old man a bottle and told him to take it home and put a sample in it and return it tomorrow. The old man returned the next day and the Doctor asked for the bottle so he handed it to him. The Doctor looked at the bottle and saw that it was empty. He mentioned this to the old man and the old man said "Look Doc I tried with my right hand then my left with no luck then, my wife tried with her right and left hand and even tried under her armpit with no luck.My wife then had the idea to get our neighbor lady, Eileen, to try so she tried with her right and left hand and even between her knees with no luck." The Doc kind of surprised said" You had you neighbor try" and the old man said "Yes and it's amazing not one of us could remove the top off this bottle."

17. A penguin goes with all of his car and suddenly begins to act. Local mechanic as he pulls the car in the parking lot is going on very rough starts. He talks to the mechanic and that it will take a while to diagnose the problem. Mechanic tells him that he can either go to the corner cafe or just wait there. Penguins go to the cafe because she wanted some ice cream decides. Penguin Cafe is his favorite, a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a cone meets. It ends when he hands over it's own and generally makes a mess. After returning to the garage mechanic tells him "It looks like you blew a seal." And penguins quick "answer is it just a little ice cream."

18. Golfer/optician

Here is one of my favorite golf jokes....

Once again the usual foursome were enjoying their weekly round of golf. As they get to the sixth hole which runs along the main road, they notice a funeral procession approaching. The other three fellows notice that Harry has taken off his golf cap and placed it over his heart and lowered his head in great reverance to the procession.

The others are amazed at Harry's actions and one asks, "Harry, why are you being so respectful to this particular funeral procession."

Harry says, "it's the least I can do. Next Tuesday, we would have been married 35 years."

19. This is a good joke. I like it.

20. and my favorite joke...
Dick Cheney comes to the president George W. Bush and says: "Mr. President, I know you like riddles, this is one which I think you will like. Here it is: It's my father's boy, but it's not me. Who is it?". Bush sits and think, and then says: "It's impossible, your father's boy must be you. There is no other solution". Cheney says: "No mr. president, I told you this riddle is genius. Here is the answer: it is my brother". Bush says: "Awesome, I'll go and tell it to Laura!". Bush goes and tells to his wife: "Check out, Laura, an excellent riddle. It's my father's boy, but it's not me. Who is it?". His wife sits and thinks, and eventually says: "I don't know. Who is it?". And Bush says very excited: "But of course, it's Dick Cheney's brother!"

21. Gorgeous young redhead goes to the doctor complaining her whole body is painful to the touch. "Show me" says the doctor...She takes her finger and touches her shoulder and screams; then touches her arm and screams, then touches her face and screams. The doctor asks "Are you a redhead?" "No, actually I'm a blonde" " I thought so " says he, "Your finger is broken"

22. Here's another joke:
An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: “You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you”.
The guy replies “No, I prefer it this way. You see, I’m very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us”.
This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
“Is everything OK”? he asks.
“What do you mean”, answers the guy.
“Well, for months you have been asking for three shots, now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”, the bartender asks.
“No”, replies the Irish guy, “They are fine. It’s just that I quit drinking”.

23. The Computer Hillbillies
====================

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

UNIX, this is... CRTs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

24. Recent poll of widowed and divorced women showed 80% were against marrying again; they knew it was not worth buying the whole pig for a little sausage.

25. :) It’s a good joke, cleyes. Maybe a little misandryst….

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