Page 1 of 14 12345611 ... LastLast
Results 1 to 25 of 330

Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #1
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645

    Favorite Jokes

    I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

    Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
    Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
    So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
    So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
    True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
    Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
    "Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

    Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
    A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


    You may groan now.:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  2. #2
    OptiBoard Professional
    Join Date
    Jan 2007
    Location
    Just outside the norm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    112

    Big Smile duck joke

    A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
    The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
    The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.

    He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
    The duck says "OK and leaves.

    Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
    "No", the bartenter replied, confused.

    Then the duck said....... "Good, got any grapes?"



    couldn't help it. so stupid it's funny!!!!!:p
    Last edited by jcasowder; 04-03-2007 at 08:14 PM. Reason: missed a line!! thanks ory! i heard it with feet.

  3. #3
    OptiBoard Professional Ory's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2006
    Location
    Ontario
    Occupation
    Optometrist
    Posts
    977
    I think you missed a line. After the second time, the bartender says "No, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"

    Now the laughter may begin!:cheers:

  4. #4
    OptiBoardaholic
    Join Date
    May 2000
    Location
    B.C. Canada
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    1,189
    Three Canadians are sitting in a bar in the United States. Some of the local boys are curious to know who the strangers are, so they send one of their own over to see.
    "so where you boys from, anyway?" says the American.
    "Edmonton, Alberta" says the first Canadian.
    "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," says the second.
    "Flin-Flon, Manitoba," says the third.
    The American goes back to his own table.
    "Well? where are they from?" says the other Americans.
    "Well, I don't know," says the first American, they don't speak a word of english."

  5. #5
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645

    Stupid funny is still funny!

    Good ones, people!:cheers:


    A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. He starts drinking and is starting to get pretty plowed. The guy next to him, also drunk, starts talking about how windy it is.
    "I tell you - it's so windy up here that when the wind hits the sides of the buildings and goes up, the updraft is so strong that you can actually float in it!"
    The first guy doesn't believe a word of it, so the second guy talks him into going up on the roof with him,
    The second guy says, "Look, I'll show you!" So he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, then a bit more, then his feet leave the edge and sure enough, he's hanging there in the air. So he works his hands and arms a bit and glides back to the rooftop. "See!" he says. "It's really easy!"
    The first guy was really impressed by that so he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, leans out a bit more, then whoosh! He falls to his grisly death many floor below.
    The second guy goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
    The bartender says, "What? Another one?!!!? You sure are a prick when you get drunk, Superman!"


    <rimshot>
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  6. #6
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Sunnyvale, CA 94086
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    2,301
    I wasn't exactly dyin' to jump in here, but seeing the other current topic Calmness in our lives... jogged my memory about the Irish-born comedian Dave Allen (1936-2005). I enjoyed the reruns on U.S. television of the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" show.


    Irish-born comedian Dave Allen hoists his customary tumbler of whiskey as he spins another joke on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large".

    And the joke that came to mind went more or less like this:

    A poor Irish sod from one of the many wrong sides of the fence that are known in Dublin was looking for the secret of happiness. So he went all around the world and again, making no progress, until someone told him to climb one of the highest mountains in the Himalayas and seek out the cave of an unfathomably old and wise Tibetan monk. Finally, the hapless Irishman reaches this cave. He's about half-dead from the cold and the exertion of the climb. Summoning all of the life that he still has left in him, he puts the question to the mysterious old monk ...
    What's the secret of happiness?
    to which the monk replies
    The secret of happiness is never to disagree, no matter what you are confronted with. Seek harmony with everyone and everything around you. Always maintain the utmost in amiableness and agreeability.
    Outraged, the half-dead Dubliner gasps
    That's not the secret of happiness!
    and the monk says very calmly and affably
    OK. So it's not the secret of happiness ...

    Of course, it was far better when Dave Allen told it on camera. He knew how to impersonate the characters.





    Rinsel raises the question
    Are ya' plannin' to drink that beer, or write a freakin' book about it ..?
    See Beer Of The Day, an off-forum blog dedicated to the celebration of beer and ale (good or otherwise) as an Objet d'art ...
    Last edited by rinselberg; 05-14-2007 at 04:17 PM.

  7. #7
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Nowhereville
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    7,765
    Guy walks into a bar and sees a sighn "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST MAN TO MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH", so he goes to the bartender and asks "all I have to do is make the donkey laugh". The bartender says "yes, my donkey is through those doors". The man comes out and the donkey is laughing so the bartender serves him all night. The next day the man comes into the bar again and the sign now reads "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST PERSON TO MAKE MY DONKEY CRY". The man knowing where the donkey is kept walks into the room and comes out 2 minutes later with the donkey crying. He sits at the bar and orders his usual. The bartender says "OK, buddy before you get another drop from my tap I want to know how you made my donkey laugh and cry".

    The man says the first night, "I told your donkey my p*nis is bigger than yours", the second night the man says, "I proved it".

    And I was that man.:D
    1st* HTML5 Tracer Software
    1st Mac Compatible Tracer Software
    1st Linux Compatible Tracer Software

    *Dave at OptiVision has a web based tracer integration package that's awesome.

  8. #8
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

  9. #9
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Nowhereville
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    7,765
    Quote Originally Posted by Sean
    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."
    ROTFLMAO
    1st* HTML5 Tracer Software
    1st Mac Compatible Tracer Software
    1st Linux Compatible Tracer Software

    *Dave at OptiVision has a web based tracer integration package that's awesome.

  10. #10
    Master OptiBoarder
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Down in a hole!
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    13,045

    Just heard this one...

    Bill and Hillary Clinton get into a pub without standing in the long line.
    They bring there pet duck with them and sit at the bar.
    A few minutes go by and some guy runs up and grabs the ducks tail feathers, lifts it rear, sets it down and runs out.
    A few minutes later, same thing happens. Some guy runs in, lifts the ducks tail feathers, drops it and bolts out the door.
    One after another, these locals run in and do the same thing!


    Finally, a business man at the other end of the bar leans over and asks one of the locals "What the heck is going on?"

    The local takes a long draw of his mug of ale and replies....

    My cousin Ernie is outside waiting in line and is taking bets because.....

    "Rumor has it, theres a duck sitting at the bar with two A*SH*LES"




    :cheers::shiner::cheers::shiner::cheers:

  11. #11
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    USSA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    12,589
    An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D :D

  12. #12
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I pass gas at least 100 times a day! The good news is, they're silent and they don't smell bad."
    The doctor hands him a bottle of pills that says to take one a day for two weeks.
    The man returns two weeks later. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I STILL pass gas at least 100 times a day! They're still silent, but now they smell AWFUL!"
    The doctor writes something on an Rx pad, holds it out so the mane can read it.
    It says,
    "We've cured your sinus problem, now we'll work on your hearing loss."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  13. #13
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Quote Originally Posted by Johns View Post
    An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.

    The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D :D
    Four blind men walk into a bar,
    "Ow"
    "Ow"
    "Ow"
    "Ow"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  14. #14
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

    A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" :shiner:

  15. #15
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Nowhereville
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    7,765
    It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
    1st* HTML5 Tracer Software
    1st Mac Compatible Tracer Software
    1st Linux Compatible Tracer Software

    *Dave at OptiVision has a web based tracer integration package that's awesome.

  16. #16
    Master OptiBoarder
    Join Date
    Oct 2004
    Location
    Down in a hole!
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    13,045

    This one sucks, but here goes.

    Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


    Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

  17. #17
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2005
    Location
    Nowhereville
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    7,765
    Groan
    1st* HTML5 Tracer Software
    1st Mac Compatible Tracer Software
    1st Linux Compatible Tracer Software

    *Dave at OptiVision has a web based tracer integration package that's awesome.

  18. #18
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
    But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.
    "Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

  19. #19
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Two morons went hunting and managed to bag a big buck. They were dragging it back to their truck by the hind legs and were having difficulty because the rack kept getting stuck in the underbrush. Another hunter watched them for a bit then said to them. "You know, you should drag that deer by the antlers instead of the back feet, they act as natural handles."
    The morons slapped their foreheads in disgust and grabbed the antlers and off they went.
    "This is working real good!" said one.
    "Yeah, but look how far away from the truck we're getting."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  20. #20
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
    "Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
    "Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
    "And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
    "Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

  21. #21
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
    Join Date
    Sep 2001
    Location
    USSA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    12,589
    Sean, Thanks!! I get chapped lips all the time. (Well not for long...):cheers:

  22. #22
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Two guys were digging a ditch while a third guy watched and supervised.
    After awhile, one of the guys in the ditch says to the other, "Say, why are we digging and he's supervising?He should come and help us!" The other guy say,"I'll go and ask him!"
    So he goeas and asks the supervisor why he's not helping them dig. The supervisor says, "That's because I have intelligence."
    "Intelligence? What's that?" asked the digger.
    So the supervisor walks over to a tree, puts his hand on the side of the tree and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can." The digger winds up and smashes a mighty blow, but the supervisor quickly removes his hand and the digger smashes his hand against the tree.

    "Oh, I see now - that's intelligence." says the digger. And he goes back into the ditch and his fellow worker asks him, " Did you find out what he's doing up there?" The digger says, "Because he's got intelligence!"
    "Intelligence? What's that?"
    So the digger gets a sly grin on his face, puts his hand in front of his face and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  23. #23
    Bad address email on file
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    east of the mississippi
    Occupation
    Optical Laboratory Technician
    Posts
    51
    you forgot 'pick up that shovel and hit my hand " great joke

  24. #24
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
    One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:

  25. #25
    Master OptiBoarder Jedi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2002
    Location
    Halifax, Nova Scotia
    Occupation
    Ophthalmic Technician
    Posts
    1,507
    Quote Originally Posted by Sean View Post
    On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
    "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
    One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:
    That's cheaper than a date.:D
    "It's not impossible. I used to bull's-eye womp rats in my T-16 back home."


Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Practical Jokes
    By morinput in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 03-29-2012, 01:24 PM
  2. Optical jokes
    By Personalizedoptics in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: 05-29-2010, 07:33 PM
  3. Dumb jokes
    By chm2023 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 08-12-2006, 09:11 PM
  4. optician jokes
    By ikon44 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-18-2004, 02:52 PM
  5. More Cracker Jokes...
    By John R in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-30-2002, 09:45 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  
OptiBoard is proudly sponsored by:
Younger Optics and Vision Equipment