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  1. #1
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Favorite Jokes

    I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

    Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
    Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
    So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
    So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
    True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
    Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
    "Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

    Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
    A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


    You may groan now.:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  2. #2
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    Big Smile duck joke

    A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
    The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
    The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.

    He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
    The duck says "OK and leaves.

    Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
    "No", the bartenter replied, confused.

    Then the duck said....... "Good, got any grapes?"



    couldn't help it. so stupid it's funny!!!!!:p
    Last edited by jcasowder; 04-03-2007 at 08:14 PM. Reason: missed a line!! thanks ory! i heard it with feet.

  3. #3
    OptiBoard Professional Ory's Avatar
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    I think you missed a line. After the second time, the bartender says "No, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"

    Now the laughter may begin!:cheers:

  4. #4
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    Three Canadians are sitting in a bar in the United States. Some of the local boys are curious to know who the strangers are, so they send one of their own over to see.
    "so where you boys from, anyway?" says the American.
    "Edmonton, Alberta" says the first Canadian.
    "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," says the second.
    "Flin-Flon, Manitoba," says the third.
    The American goes back to his own table.
    "Well? where are they from?" says the other Americans.
    "Well, I don't know," says the first American, they don't speak a word of english."

  5. #5
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Stupid funny is still funny!

    Good ones, people!:cheers:


    A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. He starts drinking and is starting to get pretty plowed. The guy next to him, also drunk, starts talking about how windy it is.
    "I tell you - it's so windy up here that when the wind hits the sides of the buildings and goes up, the updraft is so strong that you can actually float in it!"
    The first guy doesn't believe a word of it, so the second guy talks him into going up on the roof with him,
    The second guy says, "Look, I'll show you!" So he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, then a bit more, then his feet leave the edge and sure enough, he's hanging there in the air. So he works his hands and arms a bit and glides back to the rooftop. "See!" he says. "It's really easy!"
    The first guy was really impressed by that so he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, leans out a bit more, then whoosh! He falls to his grisly death many floor below.
    The second guy goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
    The bartender says, "What? Another one?!!!? You sure are a prick when you get drunk, Superman!"


    <rimshot>
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
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  6. #6
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    I wasn't exactly dyin' to jump in here, but seeing the other current topic Calmness in our lives... jogged my memory about the Irish-born comedian Dave Allen (1936-2005). I enjoyed the reruns on U.S. television of the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" show.


    Irish-born comedian Dave Allen hoists his customary tumbler of whiskey as he spins another joke on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large".

    And the joke that came to mind went more or less like this:

    A poor Irish sod from one of the many wrong sides of the fence that are known in Dublin was looking for the secret of happiness. So he went all around the world and again, making no progress, until someone told him to climb one of the highest mountains in the Himalayas and seek out the cave of an unfathomably old and wise Tibetan monk. Finally, the hapless Irishman reaches this cave. He's about half-dead from the cold and the exertion of the climb. Summoning all of the life that he still has left in him, he puts the question to the mysterious old monk ...
    What's the secret of happiness?
    to which the monk replies
    The secret of happiness is never to disagree, no matter what you are confronted with. Seek harmony with everyone and everything around you. Always maintain the utmost in amiableness and agreeability.
    Outraged, the half-dead Dubliner gasps
    That's not the secret of happiness!
    and the monk says very calmly and affably
    OK. So it's not the secret of happiness ...

    Of course, it was far better when Dave Allen told it on camera. He knew how to impersonate the characters.





    Rinsel raises the question
    Are ya' plannin' to drink that beer, or write a freakin' book about it ..?
    See Beer Of The Day, an off-forum blog dedicated to the celebration of beer and ale (good or otherwise) as an Objet d'art ...
    Last edited by rinselberg; 05-14-2007 at 04:17 PM.

  7. #7
    Master OptiBoarder Snitgirl's Avatar
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    Wink Car Troubl

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, "What's the story?"
    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

  8. #8
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    The Blonde and the Sailor

    One night on his way to his ship a sailor comes across a beautiful young lady, sitting on the dock crying her eyes out. He stops, asks her what the matter is, and she tearfully exclaims that she just wants to end her miserable life; she lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and her ex husband cleaned out her bank account. He comforts her with a hug and suggests that she accompany him on his ship which is sailing to Hawaii. All she must do is stay below deck in his quarters and he would supply her with food and drink for the entire trip in exchange for having a warm body to lay next to each night. She thinks about this proposition for a moment, and then gratefully accepts his offer, thinking that a new start in a beautiful tropical locale would be better than ending it all.

    So for two weeks he supplies her with three meals each day, wine, chocolate, and each night he has the pleasure of getting into a warm bed with a beautiful girl waiting for him.

    Then, the captain of the ship happens to be below deck one day checking out a noise one of the other crew members heard and happens across this lady in the crewman's quarters. She explains her situation and how she came to be on the ship and asks how much longer the trip to Hawaii would take as she'd be getting off the ship there and starting her new life.

    The captain replies, " Well I dunno how long it would take to sail to Hawaii but this is the Queen of Surrey ferry which runs between Vancouver Island and the mainland, and we'll be in Vancouver in an hour!"

  9. #9
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?


    A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan! :o

  10. #10
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Barnyard Poem

    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    We were alone
    Just she and I
    Her hair was brown
    Her eyes were too
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do
    So with my courage
    I did my best
    And placed my hand
    Upon her breast
    I trembled and shook
    And felt her heart
    Slowly she spread
    Her legs apart
    I knew she was ready
    But I didn't know how
    It was my first try
    At milking a cow

  11. #11
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    I have an old Italian friend that used to run a nearby bakery and we loved to exchange Italian jokes. Here's a few of our favorites:
    Definitions:
    Bigamist ..... A big fog over in Italy

    Speciman .... An Italian astronaut.


    Innuendo .....An Italian suppository.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  12. #12
    Master OptiBoarder ikon44's Avatar
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    A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
    The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 90-year-old
    said: "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride
    who is pregnant with my child.

    What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
    began:

    "I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
    One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he
    accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

    When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
    beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and
    went: 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you
    think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that
    beaver."

    The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."






    > THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES...
    > >
    > >
    > > A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You keep one and
    > > give one to your neighbor.
    > >
    > > A SOCIALIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government takes one and
    > > gives it to your neighbor.
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > Your neighbor has none.
    > > So what?
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
    > > successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
    > > forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
    > > The people you voted for then take the tax money and
    > > buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
    > >
    > > A COMMUNIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government seizes both
    > > and provides you with milk.
    > >
    > > A FASCIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
    > > You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
    > >
    > > DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government taxes you to the point you have to
    > > sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only
    > > one cow, which was a gift from your government.
    > >
    > > CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
    > >
    > > BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
    > > the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
    > > down the drain.
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the
    > > milk of four cows.
    > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
    > >
    > > A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You go on strike
    > > because you want three cows.
    > >
    > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
    > > an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
    > > market them World-Wide.
    > >
    > > A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
    > > eat once a month, and milk themselves.
    > >
    > > A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > They are mad.
    > > They die.
    > > Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
    > >
    > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows,
    > > but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
    > >
    > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You count them and learn you have five cows. You
    > > count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
    > >
    > > A SWISS CORPORATION:
    > > You have 5000 cows, none of which
    > > belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
    > >
    > > A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.
    > > Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
    > > declares bankruptcy.
    > >
    > > AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You worship both of them.
    > >
    > > A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
    > > employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
    > > the newsman who reported on them
    > >
    > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
    > > There are these two Jewish cows, right?
    > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and
    > > then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
    > > to become doctors. So, who needs people?
    > >
    > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > That one on the left is kinda cute...



    Subject: FW: > This refers to all accountants and auditors


    A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit
    an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he
    says,"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
    The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a
    while they send us a free candle.

    " The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your matzoh
    balls."
    "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they
    send us a free box of matzoh balls."

    The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
    circumcisions?" The rabbi says,"We send them to the IRS, and every once in a
    while they send us a little prick like you."


    > > > > There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
    > > > > woman on board. .......Mission Control in Houston calls:
    > > > >
    > > > > "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
    > > > > He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment
    > > > > 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
    > > > > reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and
    > > > > releases the oxygen.
    > > > > A few moments later headquarters calls again:
    > > > > "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits
    > > > > down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the
    fuel
    > > > > injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and
    to
    > > > > analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon
    > > > > dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar
    > > > > radiation.
    > > > > A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please .......
    > > > > approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about
    > > > > to be told what to do she says.....
    > > > > I know, I know !!!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."




    > > >
    > > > A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
    > > > hurts
    > > > wherever she touches it.
    > > > "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
    > > > She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
    > pushes
    > > >
    > > > her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
    > touches
    > > >
    > > > makes her scream.
    > > > The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
    > > > She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
    > > > "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."




    It is the opening debate of the 2001 World Women's Conference on the subject
    of Female Assertiveness.

    The first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
    about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference
    I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that
    he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
    second day I still saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
    cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

    The crowd applauded.

    The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I
    went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that
    he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
    After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he
    had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

    The crowd cheered.

    The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "After last year's Conference ah
    went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or
    shoppin' and that he wid haftae dae it hissel. Efter the first day ah saw
    nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could
    jist see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
    To find out what,s happening in the UK optical market:
    http://theOptom.com

  13. #13
    OptiBoardaholic Scott R's Avatar
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    8 8 8 8

    :shiner: A man is walking down the street. He comes near a big wall and behind this wall he hears people chanting 8 8 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 8 8. He than sees a small hole in the wall. 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8. So he puts his eye to the hole and suddenly someone puts their finger in the hole and pokes him in the eye. Than he hears everyone

    Chanting 9 9 9 9 :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner:

  14. #14
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    One day, while on patrol on a Navy vessel in the arctic, a sailor overslept and failed to show for duty. The bo'sun sent him up to the Captain for discipline. The Captain walked the man to the prow, pointed to the anchor chains, handed him a broom and told him " I want you to sweep every speck of dirt and ice off every link of that anchor chain and I don't care if it takes you all night! Either that or the brig!"
    So the sailor sighs, takes the broom and starts to sweep. After a short while, an arctic tern flew by and landed on his broom. Well the sailor grabbed the tern and tossed it into the air whereupon it flew back and again landed on his broom. He grabbed it, tossed it and it flew back. This was getting maddening, but he kept at it. This went on all night and he got no work done.
    Then the Captain came to inspect his work in the morning. Seeing that the chain was still dirty he started to really bawl out the sailor. After a few minutes, the Captain wound down enough to ask him, "Just what in the Hell were you doing all night, sailor?"
    And the sailor replied, "Sorry, sir. I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  15. #15
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
    The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”
    The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”
    The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

  16. #16
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    Fresh from my Inbox

    Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

    The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

    The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

  17. #17
    Optimentor Diane's Avatar
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    This one got me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cindy K View Post
    Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

    The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

    The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

    I'm laughing so hard, my sides hurt.:D

    Diane
    Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

  18. #18
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money
    for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to
    like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more
    and more time at the florist shop.

    The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the
    shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the
    florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

    The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh
    the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar,
    accordingly, returned to the church.

    The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  19. #19
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    WV Diction Test

    Some may recognize this. If so - you might be a redneck.

    Let's hear you people say these lines out loud:


    "MR PIGS"

    "MR NOT PIGS"

    "OSAR"

    "LIB"

    "MR PIGS."



    Mind you, this is a conversation between two people.
    And the answer is::
    <Spoiler space>












    "Them are pigs"

    "Them are not pigs"

    "Oh, yes they are."

    "Well, I'll be."

    "Them ARE pigs."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  20. #20
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
    Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
    "I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right there
    and flew away. Minutes later, the man
    watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
    to his car and into his gas tank. After a
    few minutes, the bees flew out.
    "Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the
    car started right up.
    "Wow!" the man exclaimed.
    "What did you put in my gas tank"?
    The bee answered, "BP."

  21. #21
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    Another one from the late Irish comedian Dave Allen. You don't have to be United Kingdom, Irish or "Aussie" to appreciate it if you're well-traveled.

    In 1967, Australia lost its prime minster when Harold Holt drowned near shore during a private swim.

    Some time later, Dave Allen worked this into one of his monologues on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" ...


    After the PM drowned, he found himself in front of the Pearly Gates, and was challenged by St. Peter to identify himself.

    Holt: "I'm the prime minister of Australia."

    St. Peter: "Can you prove it?"

    Holt: "How the bleedin' 'ell am I suppos'd to prove to you that I'm the bleedin' prime minister of bleedin' Australia?"

    St. Peter: "You just did."


    Rinsel's Werewolf Test ... a few have dared, but no one has submitted a correct answer. Could you be the first?
    Last edited by rinselberg; 06-19-2007 at 03:22 PM.

  22. #22
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

    Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
    Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
    On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
    "No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
    "But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
    "Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
    "Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
    "What?" "It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."

  23. #23
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
    Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we had a great time."
    "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
    "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again.
    The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
    The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is going at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
    Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
    Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
    The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
    He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
    The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."

  24. #24
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Back in the Roman days, there was a farmer who lived on the outskirts of Rome. He was a very successful farmer, having learned how to grow all manner of things better than all of his peers.
    One year, he grew a bunch of strawberries. One of them grew to truly gigantic proportions, bigger than anyone had ever even heard of. This strawberry was big enough to fill a wheelbarrow! Of course, all his neighbors and friends kept coming by every day to congratulate the farmer and praise his enormous berry. Naturally, word of this fruit eventually came to the ears of the current Emperor, Caesar. Being what he was, the Caesar naturally believed the berry belonged to him, as did everything in the Empire. So he sent some centurions to the farmer's house to confiscate the berry and take it to the Emperor.
    When they got there, there was a huge crowd gathered around the berry patch praising the berry and the farmer. The centurions shouldered their way through the crowd and came up to the farmer who asked if they were there to laud the fruit.
    The leader of the centurions said, "No, we are here to seize your berry, not to praise it."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #25
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    from the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large"

    90 second video clip

    [youtube]AcXGObhcTW4[/youtube]


    For more Dave Allen posts
    http://www.optiboard.com/forums/show...4&postcount=69
    Last edited by rinselberg; 07-12-2007 at 04:01 AM.

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