Page 9 of 15 FirstFirst ... 4567891011121314 ... LastLast
Results 201 to 225 of 362

Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #201
    OptiWizard
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    313
    Quote Originally Posted by cleyes View Post
    LOTS of misogyny PhotonicGuy!!!!!
    maybe misandry....

  2. #202
    OptiWizard
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    313
    Quote Originally Posted by HarryChiling View Post
    As long as knowledge 0
    Good observation! This is an important mathematical condition...

  3. #203
    Master OptiBoarder cleyes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Yonkers, NY
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    768
    As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

    Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover
    that she couldn't.

    So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

    Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
    little more and again was unable to take the step.

    About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
    easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

    She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled ‘How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

    The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'
    WE SEE THINGS NOT AS THEY ARE, BUT AS WE ARE..... Anais Nin

  4. #204
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  5. #205
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    PA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    1,921
    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.
    a smart blonde joke?

  6. #206
    Master OptiBoarder
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Location
    washington
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    1,916
    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.
    This could be a great way for me to make some money. :)

  7. #207
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Here's a lot of really good ones - one of my very favorite routines!

    Warning-not every joke is clean.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  8. #208
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  9. #209
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    A guy goes into a bar and sits down beside a friend. He turns to the friend and says, "I have a good blonde joke for you!" At that point the bartender interrupts him and says,"I'm the one making your drinks -good or bad. And I'm a blonde. See that woman over there? She's got 15 years of martial arts training and she could take you apart, and she's a blonde. See that other woman over there? She's an ex-Marine and can destroy you and she's a blonde. See that woman over there? She's a blonde vice cop and she can take you down! Now, do you want to reconsider telling that blonde joke?"

    The guy says, "Yeah, you're right, I should NOT tell that blonde joke - I'd have to explain it four times!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  10. #210
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    An Asian woman drives up to a bank drive-through. She hands some currency to the teller for exchange.
    After she gets her envelope and checks it, she asks the teller, "Last week I give you yen, I get twenty dollars. Today I give you yen, I get ten dollars. What's wrong?"
    The teller tells her, "It's just fluctuations."
    She says, "well fluck you Americans, too!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  11. #211
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,789
    One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

    The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

    Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old
    German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

    "Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

    Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

    "Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

    Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

    The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

    The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

    Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

    "Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

    Moral of this story...

    Don't mess with the
    old dogs
    ... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
    BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.


  12. #212
    OptiBoard Apprentice
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    Corpus Christi Texas
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    49
    (spoken in an Irish accent)
    O'Malley was standin outside a pub drinking a pint o' ale...a neighbor came by and said "How ya fairin' there O'Malley?"
    "Not to well." O'malley replied. "Why not?" said the neighbor. "Well ya see this here road we're standin on?...I built this road and built damn near every road in this county to get people here but do ya think when I go down the street the townspeople say "Hey, There goes O'Malley the road builder?...NO! and do ya see that there house over there?...I built that house and damn near every house in this town...but do ya think when I go down the street the townspeople say "Hey There goes O'Malley the home-builder?...NO! and do ya see that there bridge over there? I engineered that bridge and engineered damn near every bridge in this here county to get people here as well...but when I go down the street do ya think the townspeople say "Hey There goes O'Malley the bridge builder?...NO!!! but ya f**k one goat!!!!"

  13. #213
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Only City in the World built over a Volcano
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    12,996
    Gee and once you fussed about the Asian Axis joke. Gittin a little free with the discourse ain't we?

  14. #214
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,789
    Quote Originally Posted by chip anderson View Post
    Gee and once you fussed about the Asian Axis joke. Gittin a little free with the discourse ain't we?
    Gee Chip, I'm sorry if I offended you with my "old dog" joke. It really wasn't directed towards you.



















    :bbg::cheers::bbg:

  15. #215
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    Only City in the World built over a Volcano
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    12,996
    Nothing offends old Chip. Even when I got axed to remove Robt. E. Lee as an avitar. I have very thick skin, but so many of us lately have been carrying on about how we want's de public to preceive us as dignigfied edumacated professionals. Just supprised at the risque language we are using and implying. You all know I don't mind getting down in the dirt. I ju's sprized at those who would put up a pretentios front gittn down heah with me.

  16. #216
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,789
    From one old Belaire boy to the other, I was jokin' with ya!





    :cheers:

  17. #217
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    What's green and has an *** -hole every three feet?


    A St. Patrick's Day parade!
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  18. #218
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS....

    1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
    2. There is always one more son-of-a-***** than you counted on.
    3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they
    will stop making it.
    4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.
    5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
    6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
    7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
    8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
    9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
    11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
    13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
    14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
    15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
    16. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
    serious.
    17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
    18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
    before.
    19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
    20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
    21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
    22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
    23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
    24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
    25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
    26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
    27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met
    everybody.
    28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
    blame.
    29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
    Last edited by DragonLensmanWV; 06-18-2011 at 10:43 AM.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  19. #219
    Master OptiBoarder Mizikal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    kansas city
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    512
    A sandwich walks into a bar.Bartender says I am sorry we don't serve food here.

  20. #220
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
    drive?
    2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
    3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
    4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
    5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
    6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
    7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
    8. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
    9. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
    the doors?
    10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
    11. If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how does the TEFLON stick to the pan?
    12. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
    height, what
    would happen?
    13. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
    turn on the
    headlights?
    14. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
    package says, "Open somewhere else"?
    15. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
    16. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
    17. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
    shipment, but
    when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
    18. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
    why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
    19. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
    down the volume on the radio?
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  21. #221
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    A bunch of guys usually got together each Thursday night to play cards. The problem was, one of them tended to be a rather bothersome kibitzer. One night, when the kibitzer had excused himself to the bathroom, the others thought up a good plan to cure him of his kibitzing. They decided to just make up a game as they went along so there would be no way he could break in with his kibitzing.
    So the guy sits back down after returning from the can and one of the conspirators had shuffled the deck and started dealing the cards, leaving he kibitzer out. He gave the first guy three cards, the second guy got four, the third guy got two whole cards and two cards torn in half while the dealer kept 3 and a half cards. First guy -"I've got a mingle - I'll bet two bucks." Second guy - "I've got a snazzel, I'll raise you one." The kibitzer is starting to tremble as he watches. Third guy - "I've only got a gringle -I'm out!" The kibitzer twitches a bit more. Dealer - "I've got a farfel, I'm all in!" The kibitzer explodes "You idiot! You can't beat a mingle and a snazzel with a lousy farfel!"
    Last edited by DragonLensmanWV; 06-18-2011 at 10:43 AM.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  22. #222
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,789
    This is too funny!


  23. #223
    Master OptiBoarder cleyes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Yonkers, NY
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    768
    As an Akita owner I found this hysterical, this old dog is typical.....they do talk!
    WE SEE THINGS NOT AS THEY ARE, BUT AS WE ARE..... Anais Nin

  24. #224
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening, stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter." Dave was stunned. "You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replied Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replied Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was over- whelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ... Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've crapped the bed!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #225
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2006
    Location
    The Greatest Nation
    Occupation
    Optical Retail
    Posts
    7,645
    And here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,

    which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter

    it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new

    definition (seems like the first four have been seen before):



    1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

    financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



    2. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an *******.



    3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

    realize it was your money to start with.



    4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



    5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright

    ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little

    sign

    of breaking down in the near future.



    6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting

    laid.



    7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.



    8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

    doesn't get it.



    9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



    10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)



    11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

    bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a

    serious bummer.



    12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only

    thing that are good for you.



    13. Glibido: All talk and no action.



    14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they

    come at you rapidly.



    15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've

    accidentally walked through a spider web.



    16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom

    at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



    17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit

    you you're eating.



    The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly

    contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common

    words. And those the winners are:



    1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.



    2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has

    gained.



    3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



    4. Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk.



    5. Willy-nilly (adj): Impotent



    6. Negligent (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a

    nightgown.



    7. Lymph (v): To walk with a lisp.



    8. Gargoyle (n): Olive flavored mouthwash



    9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run

    over by a steamroller.



    10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.



    11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam



    12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



    13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.



    14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.



    15. Frisbeetarianism (n): the belief that, after death, the soul flies up

    onto the roof and gets stuck there.



    16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish

    men
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Practical Jokes
    By morinput in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 03-29-2012, 01:24 PM
  2. Optical jokes
    By Personalizedoptics in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: 05-29-2010, 07:33 PM
  3. Dumb jokes
    By chm2023 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 08-12-2006, 09:11 PM
  4. optician jokes
    By ikon44 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-18-2004, 02:52 PM
  5. More Cracker Jokes...
    By John R in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-30-2002, 09:45 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •