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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #176
    Master OptiBoarder cleyes's Avatar
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    True, true, just balancing the thread.

  2. #177
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
    gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate
    that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and
    begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
    don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
    win the lotto."

    Lotto night comes and somebody else wins.

    Jacob goes back to the synagogue..."God please let me win the lotto.
    I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

    Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!

    Back to the synagogue..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
    business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I
    don't often ask for your help and I have always been a good servant to
    you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
    my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as
    the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself who
    admonishes him: "Jacob, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  3. #178
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Once there was this harelipped guy, who was unable to get any kind of good
    job. When finally he was down to his last $100, he saw an ad in the paper
    about how you could make loads of money. Well, he went to the address in the
    ad, which turned out to be a hotel room, and knocked on the door. The man
    answering the door let him in and started on his sales pitch. Of course, this
    was a con game designed to separate the harelip from his money. "My boy," the
    con man stated," I am here to show you how to make loads of money in a very
    short time. What you have to do is give me $100 for this sales kit, and you
    can start making money today."
    The harelip gave him his money for the sales kit, and opened it up to reveal
    a rack of toothbrushes."Hwhat, ham I hgoing to hdo with hthese?" he said.
    "All you have to do is go door-to-door and sell these." the con man
    explained. "Well hokay" said the harelip, and exited the room.
    The harelip kept going from door to door asking "Hyou hwant to buy a
    htoothbrush?" and getting door after door slammed in his face. After a while
    he thought that maybe he was gettin taken so he went back to the con man and
    complained.
    The con man, seeing that maybe the gig was up, stalled him by telling him all
    he needed was a gimmick, and he'd be rich. So the harelip departed, feeling
    more confident now.
    Meanwhile, the con man decided to skip town and went to the airport, where he
    was astonished to see the harelip at a table there, selling toothbrushes as
    fast as he could hand them out. He went over to the harelip and, thinking
    maybe he really did find a gimmick he could use, asked the harelip about it.
    "Oh yeah" said the harelip whilst passing out more toothbrushes" I found the
    hright hgimmick all right. Here have some dip." The com mans saw all the
    chips and dips spread about the table, grabbed a potato chip and dipped it
    into the dip and ate it. He started gagging and proclaimed"Aagh! This dip
    tastes like sh**!!"
    The harelip said, "It is! Hyou hwant to hbuy a htoothbrush?
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  4. #179
    OptiWizard
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    There was once a family with two kids, one being extremely optimistic and the other extremely pessimistic. The parents tried to change that, and had an idea. They filled the room of the pessimistic with all the toys he ever wanted, and the room of the optimistic with horse manure.Then they waited for the kids to return from school and see their reaction. When they entered the pessimistic's room, he was crying and was very sad. They asked him what's wrong, and he said: all the kids will hate me for having so many toys and I will never have time to play with all of them,and maybe will broke and then there will be no one to repair them and I will be even more sad. Then they entered the optimistic's room. He was jumping around full of joy in the manure pile, throwing manure around. They asked:why are you so happy? He answered: there must be a pony somewhere.

  5. #180
    Independent Owner kcount's Avatar
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    The stranded Irishman


    One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

    He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


    As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

    Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

    She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


    "Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

    With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

    He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
    drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

    "And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

    Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

    Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

    He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

    At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

    With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
    "If you don't build your dream, someone will hire you to help build theirs..."-Tony Gaskins

    So I built Prentice Optical Lab.

    Prentice Optical Lab
    Independent Wholesale Optical Lab
    Glenview, IL
    (847) 729-1700

  6. #181
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    NEVERMORE

    Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
    System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
    Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
    Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
    Having reached the bottom line,
    I took a floppy from the drawer.
    Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
    But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

    Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
    These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
    Carefully, I weighed my options.
    These three seemed to be the top ones.
    Clearly, I must now adopt one:
    Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

    With my fingers pale and trembling,
    Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
    Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
    Praying for some guarantee
    Finally I pressed a key --
    But on the screen what did I see?
    Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

    I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
    I pressed again, but twice as hard.
    Luck was just not in the cards.
    I saw what I had seen before.
    Now I typed in desperation
    Trying random combinations
    Still there came the incantation:
    Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

    There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
    Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
    And then I saw an awful sight:
    A bold and blinding flash of light --
    A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
    I saw the screen collapse and die
    "Oh no -- my database", I cried
    I thought I heard a voice reply,
    "You'll see your data Nevermore."

    To this day I do not know
    The place to which lost data goes
    I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
    But as for productivity, well
    I fear that it goes straight to hell
    And that's the tale I have to tell
    Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  7. #182
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Once upon a time, there was this rich man who had a rather unreliable son.
    Upon his son's entrance to college, the man took his son aside and said" Son,
    you will inherit all my wealth, and the family business, if you can prove
    you've finally become reliable. To do this, I am testing you. See this racoon
    coat? If you can preserve every hair on this coat throughout your stay in
    college, you will be rich" So the son agrees. First, they have to count how
    many hairs there are. So they count 999,999,999,999 hairs on the racoon coat.
    Every day the son counts the hairs on the coat and stores it in a special
    cedar closet, taking exceedingly good care of it.
    Finally, graduation day arrives!
    The father takes his son to his room and gets the racoon coat.So they first
    count the hairs. Sure enough, all 999,999,999,999 hairs are there! So they
    throw the coat on the bed and go downstairs to celebrate a bit.
    Unbeknownst to them, a moth was sitting in the window, saw the coat, and went
    down to it and ate a hair. He thought it was pretty good, so he gobbled up
    another hair. As he was getting ready to eat another, he heard the father and
    son approaching, so he flew up into the corner of the room.
    The father and son came in, and as the father was getting ready to sign the
    documents turning everything over to his son, he said" Son, just to make
    sure, we ought to caount the hairs again." So the did, all 999,999,999,997.
    Startled, the caounted again-sure enough, only 999,999,997 hairs on the
    racoon coat. The father flew into a rage, tearing up all the paperwork. "I
    have no son!" he cried, and stormed out of the room.
    The son, devastated, sat on the bed and started to cry great, wracking sobs.
    The father came back and apoogized, but said" A deal is a deal, you didn't
    keep your end of the bargain, so you still don't get everything." The father
    saw what a terrible outcome this was and also started sobbing.
    The moth saw what a terrible thing it had done, such misery it had caused, so
    it started crying too.


    Have you ever seen a moth bawl?
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  8. #183
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Dragon...you just wasted 2.7 perfectly good minutes of my life!!
    Ophthalmic Optician, Society to Advance Opticianry

  9. #184
    Master OptiBoarder cleyes's Avatar
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    now that's funny!!!!!!!

  10. #185
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johns View Post
    Dragon...you just wasted 2.7 perfectly good minutes of my life!!
    Yeah, I meant to tell you that one at the last UnExpo. That way I could have stretched it out even longer! My dad told me that one in high school.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  11. #186
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    Yeah, I meant to tell you that one at the last UnExpo. That way I could have stretched it out even longer! My dad told me that one in high school.
    Don't tell me...the best 7 years of your life, right?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:
    Ophthalmic Optician, Society to Advance Opticianry

  12. #187
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS....
    1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
    2. There is always one more son-of-a-***** than you counted on.
    3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they
    will stop making it.
    4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.
    5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
    6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
    7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
    8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
    9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
    10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
    11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
    12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
    13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
    14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
    15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
    16. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
    serious.
    17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
    18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
    before.
    19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
    20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
    21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
    22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
    23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
    24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
    25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
    26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
    27. If you think that ther is good in everybody, you haven't met
    everybody.
    28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
    blame.
    29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  13. #188
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johns View Post
    Don't tell me...the best 7 years of your life, right?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:
    No, three of 'em weren't so hot.....
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  14. #189
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    What did the vampire mom say to her son?




    Drink your soup before it clots!
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  15. #190
    OptiWizard
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    One joke which I found yesterday....

    The Less You Know, The More You Make
    "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

    This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

    1. Knowledge is Power.
    2. Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows:
    Power = Work / Time

    Since:
    Knowledge = Power
    Time = Money

    It follows that:
    Knowledge = Work/Money.

    Solving for Money, we get:
    Money = Work / Knowledge.

    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

    Conclusion:
    The less you know,the more you make.

  16. #191
    Master OptiBoarder
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    Horse walks into a bar. So, the bartender says "Why the long face?" !!
    Chris Beard
    The State of Jefferson !

    I'm a Medford man – Medford, Oregon. Up in Medford, we take our time making up our minds."

  17. #192
    ABO-AC, NCLEC bob_f_aboc's Avatar
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    Three men walk into a bar...The fourth one ducks.
    A lack of planning on your part DOES NOT constitute an emergency on mine!

  18. #193
    Cape Codger OptiBoard Gold Supporter hcjilson's Avatar
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    With apologies to my blond friends

    Daily Joke ~ Blonde Detective Training

    A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

    The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

    The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

    The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

    The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

    He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

    "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.
    "Always laugh when you can. It is a cheap medicine"
    Lord Byron

    Take a photo tour of Cape Cod and the Islands!
    www.capecodphotoalbum.com

  19. #194
    OptiWizard
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    This is a good joke, I like it. But I'm wondering if the woman was natural or dyed blonde?

  20. #195
    Master OptiBoarder Mizikal's Avatar
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    A sandwich walking into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve food in here.

    A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says I will serve you but don't start anything.

    two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

  21. #196
    OptiWizard
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    Another joke with a blonde (with my apologize for all the blondes) is:
    There were 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde, 1 brunette and a red-haired. The city where they wanted to go was 20 miles of sea away from the island. The red-haired swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette swam 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

  22. #197
    OptiWizard
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    One joke about what the marriage is meaning :

    Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

    Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

    Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

    Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

    Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

    Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

    Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

    Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
    * The Engagement Ring
    * The Wedding Ring
    * The Suffe-Ring
    * The Endu-Ring

  23. #198
    Master OptiBoarder cleyes's Avatar
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    LOTS of misogyny PhotonicGuy!!!!!

  24. #199
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS

    I did not kill my lovely wife.
    I did not slash her with a knife.
    I did not bonk her on the head.
    I did not know that she was dead.

    I stayed at home that fateful night.
    I took a cab, then took a flight.
    The bag I had was just for me.
    My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be

    When I came home I had a gash.
    My hand was cut from broken glass.
    I cut my hand on broken glass.
    A broken glass did cause that gash.

    I have nothing, nothing to hide.
    My friend, he took me for a ride
    Did you take this person's life?
    Did you do it with a knife?

    I did not do it with a knife.
    I did not, could not kill my wife.
    I did not do this awful crime.
    I could not, would not anytime.

    Did you hit her from above?
    Did you drop this bloody glove?
    I did not hit her from above.
    I cannot even wear that glove.

    I did not do it with a knife.
    I did not, could not kill my wife.
    I did not do this awful crime.
    I could not, would, not, anytime.

    And now I'm free, I can return
    To my house for which I yearn.
    And to my family whom I love.
    Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #200
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PhotonicGuy View Post
    One joke which I found yesterday....

    The Less You Know, The More You Make
    "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

    This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

    1. Knowledge is Power.
    2. Time is Money.

    As every engineer knows:
    Power = Work / Time

    Since:
    Knowledge = Power
    Time = Money

    It follows that:
    Knowledge = Work/Money.

    Solving for Money, we get:
    Money = Work / Knowledge.

    Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

    Conclusion:
    The less you know,the more you make.
    As long as knowledge 0

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