Favorite Jokes

[DragonLensmanWV]

Why Fire Engines should be red

This is why fire engines should be red. It's very logical.

1 + 1 is 2
2 + 2 is 4
4 + 4 is 8
8 + 4 is 12
12 inches is a ruler
Queen Mary was a ruler
Queen Mary is a ship
A ship sails the seas
The seas have fish
The fish have fins
The Finns fought the Russians
Russians are Red
Fire engines are always rushin'
Therefore fire engines should be red!

Simple, yes?

[obxeyeguy]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried
to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle Of expensive
wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad Passionate love
to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm
Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest
happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[k12311997]

priests think they are funny

As told by Father Dave,

Two workers were contracted to paint the church roof. As they were nearing the end of the job they realized they didn't have enough paint. They decided that it was a roof and no one would see it anyway so they thinned the paint and finished the last section. Just as they were finishing up a storm cloud went over the church and washed away the last section of the paint and a booming voice came out of the cloud

"repaint and thin no more!"

[chip anderson]

Might as well throw in a religious joke tonight.

In a small Southern town there were two ministers, one methodist, one baptist who were friends. The methodist had taken to wearing black shirts white turned around collar.
On this particular Saturday they were leaving the barber shop together and passed by a small boy. The boy said: Hello, pastor, hello Father.
The baptist turned to the methodist and said: "See I told you that problems would occur if you started wearing that turned around collar. The kid thought you were a Catholic Priest!"
The methodist turned to his friend and said: "At least he didn't think I was a baptist!"

Chip

[DragonLensmanWV]

Might as well throw in a religious joke tonight.

In a small Southern town there were two ministers, one methodist, one baptist who were friends. The methodist had taken to wearing black shirts white turned around collar.
On this particular Saturday they were leaving the barber shop together and passed by a small boy. The boy said: Hello, pastor, hello Father.
The baptist turned to the methodist and said: "See I told you that problems would occur if you started wearing that turned around collar. The kid thought you were a Catholic Priest!"
The methodist turned to his friend and said: "At least he didn't think I was a baptist!"

Chip

Good one, Chip!


OK - Bows to Norm Crosby, the Master Of the Malaprop for this one:

For the sake of the story, you must assume that pneumonia=petunia.

A petunia is like a begonia
A begonia is a big piece of meat like a sausage
Sausage and battery is a crime
People crime trees
Trees a crowd
The rooster crowd and made a noise
The noise is on your face like the eyes
The eyes are opposite of the nays
The horse nays and has a colt,
and if you catch a colt, you could get double petunia.

[Night Train]

Some Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.


I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.


I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

What Happens when you have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?

How deep would the ocean really be if sponges didn't grow there?

What a nice night for an evening.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."


Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

[DragonLensmanWV]

What's green and has an a-hole every three feet?





A St. Patrick's Day Parade!


note:easily adapted into any opposing sports teams colors.
Hmm, maybe I should have said
What's Blue and Silver......:D:D

[THE MEB]

hey Jedi, you gotta quit associating with that Spitzer dude. You will find the rates aren't always that high.

[chip anderson]

Question for St. Paddy's day

Anyone know what a Sweet Potato Queen is?


Chip

[merrah]

I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
"Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


You may groan now.:D

I really enjoyed this joke very much. Please post more jokes in the future. Keep up the good work.

[Sean]

Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."
After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

[Sean]

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

[DragonLensmanWV]

In the old days of the South, there was a certain amount of friendly animosity between plantation owners. Knowing this, a young Yankee moved south with a pair of boll weevils. After setting up his shop he would talk to cotton plantation owners and inform them that for a a fee, he would lend them his boll weevils so they could plant them in an opposing owner's fields to wreak some havoc. This went well for him and many times his services were rendered.
Thus he became known as the leaser of two weevils,

[Sean]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

[DragonLensmanWV]

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the building quickly responded to the chopper,drew a large sign and held it in the window. The sign said, "YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, a passenger asked the pilot how he had done it. The pilot said, "I knew it had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."