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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #126
    ATO Member GAgal's Avatar
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    My favorite College Football Jokes

    Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

    You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.


    A Georgia fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The GA fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”
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  2. #127
    ATO Member GAgal's Avatar
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    You know your from GA when

    1. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
    2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day
    3. You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
    4. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?” Sprite
    5. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as off to “Wally World”.
    6. Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions.
    7. You know the plural of y'all is all y'all
    8. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies
    9. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies
    10. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply
    11. When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn't stick. The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every 10 minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water and toilet paper.
    12. You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo
    13. Braves=good. Yankees=bad.
    14. If you’ve ever used "The Big Chicken" as a basis for directions.
    15. You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.
    16. You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and La Fayette.
    17. Your last words might be, "Y'all watch this."
    18. You aren't surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store
    19. you can tell another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.
    20. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are
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  3. #128
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Pete Hanlin View Post
    Hear about the optician in West Virginia who got his hand caught in his edger?
    He made a real spectacle out of himself!

    (Yeah, I know... but as a Pennsylvanian I feel the need to help in the anti-Mountaineer effort.) :)

    What do you call the sweat generated by people making love in West Virginia?
    Relative humidity.

    Of course, us WV Opticians do it spectacularly!:D

    What do you call the sweat between Dolly Parton's boobs?

    Mountain dew.


    What has 28 feet and three teeth?
    The front row at a Pennsylvania concert!:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  4. #129
    sub specie aeternitatis Pete Hanlin's Avatar
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    You know you're from West Virginia when...

    "He just needed killin'!" is considered a legitimate defense.
    You know which leaves make good toilet paper...
    Your idea of "loadin the dishwasher" is giving your wife a 6-pack.
    You're chewing on a toothpick in your wedding photo!


    Q: What does a tornado and a divorce in WV have in common?
    A: Someone always loses a trailer!

    Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in WV?
    A: If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush!


    A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"


    Seriously though... Would the fine folks of WV please accept Pittsburgh as a gift from Pennsylvania?!? :)

  5. #130
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Man! You took all my Pennsylvania jokes and made 'em into WV jokes.

    Everyone just remember to take WV and change it back to PA like they were originally.:D:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  6. #131
    ABO-AC, NCLEC bob_f_aboc's Avatar
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    I've heard it told that HarryChilling has a few pretty good jokes.

    Maybe he will grace us with his presence.
    A lack of planning on your part DOES NOT constitute an emergency on mine!

  7. #132
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    A WEST VIRGINIAN and a PENNSYLVANIAN meet at the docks, each clutching an advertisment that reads:

    "Round-the-World Cruise, just $100."

    They board an old steamer, the ship leaves the dock, then, just as it leaves the harbour, the ships crew clubs them both over the head, takes their wallets, then tosses them overboard.

    Floating in the water, the Pennsylvanian, holding his sore head says:
    "I wonder if they serve meals on this cruise?"
    The West Virginian, also holding his sore head, says "well...they didn't last year."

  8. #133
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Silver Supporter Now I See's Avatar
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    What's a pirate's favorite letter?


















    "R" :D
    ___________________________________________

  9. #134
    ATO Member HarryChiling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by bob_f_aboc View Post
    I've heard it told that HarryChilling has a few pretty good jokes.

    Maybe he will grace us with his presence.
    Ok but if my wife reads this and I get into trouble again it's your butt I'm after.

    [spoiler=Dirty Joke]So I'm having sex with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says,/n "Honey put it in the other hole"./n Then I said,/n "but what if you get pregnant".[/spoiler]
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  10. #135
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Last edited by DragonLensmanWV; 04-27-2009 at 04:25 PM.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  11. #136
    Compulsive Truthteller OptiBoard Gold Supporter Uncle Fester's Avatar
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    Why won't cannibals eat clowns?
    They taste funny.


    Q-Why did they paint the elephant all different colors?
    A- So it would look like a jelly bean.
    Now have you ever seen an elephant in a jelly bean jar?
    Doesn't it hide well!


    What did the female dear say when she walked out of the woods?
    "I'll never do that again for 2 bucks".

  12. #137
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Oh, no, don't tell me we've devolved to elephant jokes!


    OK

    How can you tell if there's an elephant riding behind you on a motorcycle?

    You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  13. #138
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
    "That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
    The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
    One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

  14. #139
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by HarryChiling View Post
    Ok but if my wife reads this and I get into trouble again it's your butt I'm after.

    [spoiler=Dirty Joke]So I'm having relations with my camel the other day and she turns to me and says,/n "Honey use a ladder". Then I said,/n "but what if I fall off".[/spoiler]
    There you go Harry! I cleaned it up for you, so now you can tell it anywhere and be safe. (You'll be safe, but you won't be funny!:bbg:)

    Need anything else cleaned up?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:
    Ophthalmic Optician, Society to Advance Opticianry

  15. #140
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    Obama gets off Marine One Helicopter. Marine at the base of the ramp, after saluting, asks him why he's carrying a pig under each arm. Obama says they are not pigs, but genuine Arkansas razorbag hogs. He said "I got one for speaker Pelosi and one for Hillary." Marine snaps to attention, salutes again, and says "Excellent trade, sir!"

  16. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by obxeyeguy View Post
    Obama gets off Marine One Helicopter. Marine at the base of the ramp, after saluting, asks him why he's carrying a pig under each arm. Obama says they are not pigs, but genuine Arkansas razorbag hogs. He said "I got one for speaker Pelosi and one for Hillary." Marine snaps to attention, salutes again, and says "Excellent trade, sir!"

    :cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers:
    "You can't think about it, you just gotta let your brain do the work....."
    my dad

  17. #142
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Ophthalmic Optician, Society to Advance Opticianry

  18. #143
    Doh! braheem24's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Heather A View Post
    What's a pirate's favorite letter?



    "R" :D

  19. #144
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    Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
    and every year Morris would say,'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

    'Esther always replied,'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars

    'One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
    If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.

    'To this, Esther replied,'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

    'The pilot overheard the couple and said,'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
    If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.

    'Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

    The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
    He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

    When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
    'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!

    'Morris replied,'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
    but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

  20. #145
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    A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

    The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
    then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
    The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

    'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

    Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

    The boy licked his cone and replied,
    'Because the day I takethe dollar, the game's over!'

  21. #146
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    Little Billy is in his elementary school class when his liberal, progressive teacher asks the class if anyone in the class is not a big fan of Obama.
    Little Billy is the only student to raise his hand. The teacher glares at him and asks why he is not an Obama fan.
    "well," says Billy, "my mom is conservative, and my dad is conservative, so I'm conservative."
    "Well," says the teacher, "if your dad was an idiot, and your mom a moron, what would that make you?"
    "I guess" says Billy, "that would make me an Obama fan."

  22. #147
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


    Dear Grandson,

    The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
    'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

    I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
    thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

    So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

    Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

    I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
    thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
    light had changed.

    It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
    honked, I'd never have noticed.

    I found that lots of people love Jesus!

    While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
    and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
    God!'

    'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

    What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

    Everyone started honking!

    I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
    loving people..

    I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

    There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
    yelling something about a sunny beach.

    I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
    stuck up in the air.

    I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

    He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

    Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
    and gave him the good luck sign right back.

    My grandson burst out laughing.

    Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

    A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
    they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

    I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
    when I noticed the light had changed.

    So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
    through the intersection.

    I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
    before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
    them after all the love we had shared.

    So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
    Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.. Praise the Lord
    for such wonderful folks!!

    Will write again soon,

    Love, Grandma

  23. #148
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    LOL!!!

    I LOVE Grandma!

    :cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers:

  24. #149
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

    He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed........

    "Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #150
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    There once was a corpuscle named Charlie that was part of the blood supply of a horse. Charlie earnestly went about his daily duties of getting oxygenated in the lungs and delivering his payload of oxygen wherever it was needed. After some time he thought that he had been in all parts of the horse because he had taken all the different blood streams he had seen. One day as he was back on his way to the lungs, he noticed a blood stream cutting off to the right that he was pretty sure was one stream he'd never been in, so after getting all oxygenated he worked his way over to the right side of the blood vessel so he could enter the stream when he got there. Then it was time, and off into the new blood stream went Charlie. He was floating down the stream looking around in wonderment at the new scenery when all of a sudden, he was eaten up by a nasty microbe.
    This just goes to prove the old adage, "Don't change streams in the middle of a horse."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

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