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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #101
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Two bats are going for their midnight feed.
    After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
    The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"
    The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."
    After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"
    The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!" Other bat says, "I didn't."

  2. #102
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and relieves himself on the woman's head.

    "Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper." "What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

  3. #103
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    In the old days of the South, there was a certain amount of friendly animosity between plantation owners. Knowing this, a young Yankee moved south with a pair of boll weevils. After setting up his shop he would talk to cotton plantation owners and inform them that for a a fee, he would lend them his boll weevils so they could plant them in an opposing owner's fields to wreak some havoc. This went well for him and many times his services were rendered.
    Thus he became known as the leaser of two weevils,
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  4. #104
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

    The first man in line started telling his story, "Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn''t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn't kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am."

    The next man came up and started his story. "St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ''Please God spare my life'' and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I''m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me."

    It was now the third guy's turn to start his story. "Well, Peter, just picture this. I'm hiding butt naked in this married chick''s refrigerator....."

  5. #105
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew towards it, circled and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the building quickly responded to the chopper,drew a large sign and held it in the window. The sign said, "YOU'RE IN A HELICOPTER."
    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, a passenger asked the pilot how he had done it. The pilot said, "I knew it had to be the Microsoft building because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  6. #106
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    A new Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
    Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he
    noticed a Camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

    He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
    The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men
    here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.
    That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

    The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
    about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

    About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'. Crazy
    with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
    Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,
    pulls his pants down and has wild, insane $ex with the camel. When he's
    done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

    'No not really, sir..They usually just ride the camel into town where
    the girls are.'

    :D :o :D

  7. #107
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    What's that wrinkly thing on Grandma?
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    v
    Grandpa.

  8. #108
    OptiBoardaholic
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    My brother likes to tell this one at weddings....
    A couple get married. On the wedding night, the new husband takes off his pants, hands them to his wife and says:
    "here honey, put these on."
    She tries to put on the pants.
    "These don't fit sweetie" she says, "They're your size, they will only fit you."
    "Thats right" says the husband, "I wear the pants in this relationship, so don't forget it."
    The new wife takes off her little panties, hands them to her husband and says
    "here honey, try my panties on."
    "Are you kidding me? says hubby, I could never get in to your tiny little panties!"
    "No" says wifey, "and if your attitude doesn't change fast, you never will."

  9. #109
    OptiBoard Apprentice Caree's Avatar
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    Short and sweet

    So this dyslexic walks into a bra... ( One of the few my husband can remember...)

  10. #110
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping out one night. Tonto, after having a very bad dream, woke up to see the stars up above him. He woke the Lone Ranger and said to him, "What you think?"

    The Lone Ranger replies reassuringly, "Well, Tonto, it's like this, God gives us miracles in life. Each day is a new beginning, just like every night there's a new star in the sky. What do you think?"

    Tonto looks at him, confused and says, "Tonto think someone stole tent."

  11. #111
    ABO-AC, NCLEC bob_f_aboc's Avatar
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    Do you know what really burns my @$$?
    >
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    A fire about 3 feet high!


    (lame I know but always good for a laugh at the bar around closing time)

    Right Fezz???:cheers:

  12. #112
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.
    "Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question
    "Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.
    "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"
    "I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"
    "That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

  13. #113
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Saw the History Of The Joke on History Channel the other day. Unfortunately, all I can remember are the bad and dirty jokes (Wonder why).
    Anyway, here's a Bad Joke:

    A 40 year old man and a ten year old boy are waling into a scary woods.
    The boy says, "I'm scared!"
    The man says, "You think you're scared - I gotta walk outta here alone!"


    Patton Oswalt's parrot joke was pretty good, bit I don't think it will pass here.:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  14. #114
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    Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic, insomniac?



    He stayed up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

  15. #115
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A man reaches his retirement age and while in good health he wanted to retire to a nice assisted living facility so he would not have the pressures and tasks of home ownership. He enlists his daughter to search local facilities. They look at several, examine a few more and settle on one. The place is fantastic. He enters into their care and on the first day he looks around a bit more. He goes to the back deck and sits down. The view is excellent, a long sloping hill leading down to a beautiful lake partly hidden in the trees. As he sits, an attendant comes out to stand behind him so that if he falls, someone will be there to help him. After a moment or two, the man leaned a bit to the right and the attendant quickly reached down and straightened him out. A few minutes later, he leaned to the left and the attendant again grabbed him and straightened him. This repeated several times and the man got up and went back to his room. Later, his daughter called him to see how he liked the place.
    "It's just fine, the food is good, the company is good, the view is good, but boy, they sure don't want you to fart out on the back deck!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  16. #116
    ABO-AC, NCLEC bob_f_aboc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    A man reaches his retirement age and while in good health he wanted to retire to a nice assisted living facility so he would not have the pressures and tasks of home ownership. He enlists his daughter to search local facilities. They look at several, examine a few more and settle on one. The place is fantastic. He enters into their care and on the first day he looks around a bit more. He goes to the back deck and sits down. The view is excellent, a long sloping hill leading down to a beautiful lake partly hidden in the trees. As he sits, an attendant comes out to stand behind him so that if he falls, someone will be there to help him. After a moment or two, the man leaned a bit to the right and the attendant quickly reached down and straightened him out. A few minutes later, he leaned to the left and the attendant again grabbed him and straightened him. This repeated several times and the man got up and went back to his room. Later, his daughter called him to see how he liked the place.
    "It's just fine, the food is good, the company is good, the view is good, but boy, they sure don't want you to fart out on the back deck!"


    Was this a joke or what you did last weekend???:drop:

    Nothing quite like having fun at someone else's expense!!!!
    A lack of planning on your part DOES NOT constitute an emergency on mine!

  17. #117
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A man on the witness stand is taking a real battering by the defense lawyer. After hours and hours his testimony is about to come to an end. Before he releases the witness, the defense attorney states, "Well you have been an honorable man and I congratulate you on your honesty and compassion."

    To which the witness replied," Well sir, if I wasn't still under oath, I'd return the compliment."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  18. #118
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

    Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.


    Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.





    Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

  19. #119
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    An 84 year old man went to the doctor for a physical. A few days later the doctor saw him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor saw him he asked how he was doing.
    "Great," said the old guy. "I did just what you told me. 'Get a hot momma and be cheerful.' "
    "I didn't say that," said the doctor. "I said, 'You've got a heart murmur. Be careful.' "

  20. #120
    OptiGeek Wes's Avatar
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    Irish drinking jokes

    McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
    "S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
    "Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

    She followed her husband to the public house. "How can you come here," she said, taking a sip of his pint of Guinness, "and drink that awful stuff?" "Now!" he cried, "And you always said I was out enjoying meself."

    An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, "what'll you have?"
    The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
    So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
    The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
    The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
    The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
    Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more.
    The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
    The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
    "Why of course," comes the reply.
    The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
    "I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
    The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
    "Of Course," replies the second man. Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply.
    "I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
    "Of course," replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
    "Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
    "This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

    An Irish priest and a Rabbi get into a car accident. They both get out of their cars and stumble over to the side of the road. The Rabbi says,
    "Oy vey! What a wreck!"
    The priest asks him, "Are you all right, Rabbi?"
    The Rabbi responds, "Just a little shaken."
    The priest pulls a flask of whiskey from his coat and says,
    "Here, drink some of this it will calm your nerves."
    The Rabbi takes the flask and drinks it down and says, "Well, what are we going to tell the police?"
    "Well," the priest says, "I don't know what your aft' to be tellin' them. But I'll be tellin' them I wasn't the one drinkin'."

    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
    run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
    face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
    he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
    lickin' he gave me with it."
    "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
    have something in your hand?"
    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
    beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

  21. #121
    OptiGeek Wes's Avatar
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    Know why the Jonestown Massacre wasn't funny?

    The punchline was too long...

  22. #122
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    Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, ten, sometimes 15 minutes late, but he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "older person-friendly" policies.

    One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally,he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
    "Yes, I know boss, and I'm working on it."
    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say when you came in late there?"
    "They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

  23. #123
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    A joke that the late Irish comic Dave Allen used to tell. Of course it was much better when he told it with his stage Irish accent..

    When Harry died, he was cremated. His wife Emma kept the urn with his ashes on the mantelpiece. Emma became friends with John, who visited her regularly. John was a smoker, and since Emma never put out an ashtray, John would wait until Emma left the room for a moment and then sneakily use the urn containing Harry's ashes to stub out his cigarettes.

    One day Emma lifted the urn to dust underneath it and noticed that it was noticeably heavier than before and was almost overflowing. She was so startled she blurted out: "Harry, you old devil, you've been puttin' on weight!"


    RadioFreeRinsel comes to the defense of the American free market capitalist system:
    http://www.optiboard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34603
    Last edited by rinselberg; 03-23-2009 at 12:00 PM.

  24. #124
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Drat! I meant to post this last week.


    What's green and has an a**ho** every three feet?












    A St. Patrick's Day parade!:D:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #125
    sub specie aeternitatis Pete Hanlin's Avatar
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    Hear about the optician in West Virginia who got his hand caught in his edger?
    He made a real spectacle out of himself!

    (Yeah, I know... but as a Pennsylvanian I feel the need to help in the anti-Mountaineer effort.) :)

    What do you call the sweat generated by people making love in West Virginia?
    Relative humidity.

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