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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #76
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    another one....WalMart greeter

    A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

    The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

    The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

    "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you ever got laid twice!"

  2. #77
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    Nascar Humor

    What is the worst thing about 5 Jeff Gordan fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo...................
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .
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    .
    .
    .
    A Monte Carlo seats six.

    (yiou can groan now)

  3. #78
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by k12311997 View Post
    What is the worst thing about 5 Jeff Gordan fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo...................
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    A Monte Carlo seats six.

    (yiou can groan now)
    You could also use the punch line there from the
    "What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?" joke. That fits also.:D:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  4. #79
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    A women's guid to men

    A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

    I'M HUNGRY.
    I'm hungry.

    I'M SLEEPY.
    I'm sleepy.

    I'M TIRED.
    I'm tired.

    I'VE GOTTA GO.
    Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

    WHAT'S WRONG?
    I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

    WHAT'S WRONG?
    What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    I liked it better before.

    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    $50 and it doesn't look that much different!

    YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
    For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

    LET'S TALK, HONEY.
    I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

    WILL YOU MARRY ME?
    I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

    WILL YOU MARRY ME?
    I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

  5. #80
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
    The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
    The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
    The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

  6. #81
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    one west virginian says to another

    "if I go to your house and make love to your wife and she gets pregnant does that make us kin"

    the other thinks for a moment and replies

    "I don't know if that would make us kin, but it would make us even"

  7. #82
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Young Pennsylvania girl goes and gets married. Off she goes with her new hubby in their pickup truck. An hour later her family can hear a truck approaching at breakneck speed up the holler. It's the new hubby with the wife in the bed of the truck with the husband's daddy. As they drive by the father-in-law throws the girl out into the yard hollerin' "She's a virgin! If she ain't good enough for your family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  8. #83
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    Young Pennsylvania girl goes and gets married to a man from West Virginia. Off she goes with her new hubby in their pickup truck. An hour later her family can hear a truck approaching at breakneck speed up the holler. It's the new hubby with the wife in the bed of the truck with the husband's daddy. As they drive by the father-in-law throws the girl out into the yard hollerin' "She's a virgin! If she ain't good enough for your family, she ain't good enough for ours!"
    you forgot part of the joke:D

  9. #84
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
    Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
    The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
    "A condom? Where do you get those?"
    The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
    questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
    The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

  10. #85
    Bad address email on file abocandy's Avatar
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    pay chek

    Quote Originally Posted by Fezz View Post
    Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


    Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.
    You get a paycheck??

  11. #86
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    A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

    The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

    The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

    The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

    The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

    That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

    He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

    She says , "No, I am from Africa !"

    Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

    The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

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    OBeye:

    The only problem with this is I have never met anyone who identified themselves as Mexican, including my sister-in-law. They are all Chicano, Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or the flavour of the month but never Mexican.

    I have come to think that all the illegals (wet-backs) in the U.S. aren't really Mexicans.

    Chip

  13. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by chip anderson View Post
    OBeye:

    The only problem with this is I have never met anyone who identified themselves as Mexican, including my sister-in-law. They are all Chicano, Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or the flavour of the month but never Mexican.

    I have come to think that all the illegals (wet-backs) in the U.S. aren't really Mexicans.

    Chip
    Funny(not ha ha) you should say so.It does seem that if you refer to a person as a Mexican it is viewed as derogatory.

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    Big Smile Funny food for thought

    1.How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

    2, If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

    3.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

    4.How is it possible to have a civil war?

    5. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

    6.If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is this considered a hostage situation?

  15. #90
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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.


    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


    He proceeded to talk up a storm.

    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


    1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.


    3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


    5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.


    6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

    7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


    8)David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.


    9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.


    10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".


    12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"..


    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

  16. #91
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Why Fire Engines should be red

    This is why fire engines should be red. It's very logical.

    1 + 1 is 2
    2 + 2 is 4
    4 + 4 is 8
    8 + 4 is 12
    12 inches is a ruler
    Queen Mary was a ruler
    Queen Mary is a ship
    A ship sails the seas
    The seas have fish
    The fish have fins
    The Finns fought the Russians
    Russians are Red
    Fire engines are always rushin'
    Therefore fire engines should be red!

    Simple, yes?
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

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    Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one
    evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried
    to avoid it but couldn't - the aged bovine was struck and killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
    owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to
    lobbyists.

    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his
    clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle Of expensive
    wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling
    happily, smeared with lipstick.

    "What happened to you," asked Hillary?

    "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave
    me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad Passionate love
    to me."

    "My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

    The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm
    Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest
    happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

  18. #93
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    priests think they are funny

    As told by Father Dave,

    Two workers were contracted to paint the church roof. As they were nearing the end of the job they realized they didn't have enough paint. They decided that it was a roof and no one would see it anyway so they thinned the paint and finished the last section. Just as they were finishing up a storm cloud went over the church and washed away the last section of the paint and a booming voice came out of the cloud

    "repaint and thin no more!"

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    Might as well throw in a religious joke tonight.

    In a small Southern town there were two ministers, one methodist, one baptist who were friends. The methodist had taken to wearing black shirts white turned around collar.
    On this particular Saturday they were leaving the barber shop together and passed by a small boy. The boy said: Hello, pastor, hello Father.
    The baptist turned to the methodist and said: "See I told you that problems would occur if you started wearing that turned around collar. The kid thought you were a Catholic Priest!"
    The methodist turned to his friend and said: "At least he didn't think I was a baptist!"

    Chip

  20. #95
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by chip anderson View Post
    Might as well throw in a religious joke tonight.

    In a small Southern town there were two ministers, one methodist, one baptist who were friends. The methodist had taken to wearing black shirts white turned around collar.
    On this particular Saturday they were leaving the barber shop together and passed by a small boy. The boy said: Hello, pastor, hello Father.
    The baptist turned to the methodist and said: "See I told you that problems would occur if you started wearing that turned around collar. The kid thought you were a Catholic Priest!"
    The methodist turned to his friend and said: "At least he didn't think I was a baptist!"

    Chip
    Good one, Chip!


    OK - Bows to Norm Crosby, the Master Of the Malaprop for this one:

    For the sake of the story, you must assume that pneumonia=petunia.

    A petunia is like a begonia
    A begonia is a big piece of meat like a sausage
    Sausage and battery is a crime
    People crime trees
    Trees a crowd
    The rooster crowd and made a noise
    The noise is on your face like the eyes
    The eyes are opposite of the nays
    The horse nays and has a colt,
    and if you catch a colt, you could get double petunia.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
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  21. #96
    Master OptiBoarder Night Train's Avatar
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    Some Steven Wright

    A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.


    Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

    Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

    I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

    I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

    I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.


    I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

    I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

    I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

    I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

    I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.


    I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

    I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

    I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

    I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

    If God dropped acid, would he see people?

    If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

    Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

    What Happens when you have amnesia and deja vu at the same time?

    How deep would the ocean really be if sponges didn't grow there?

    What a nice night for an evening.

    When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

    When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

    When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."


    Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

    Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

  22. #97
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    What's green and has an a-hole every three feet?





    A St. Patrick's Day Parade!


    note:easily adapted into any opposing sports teams colors.
    Hmm, maybe I should have said
    What's Blue and Silver......:D:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  23. #98
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    hey Jedi, you gotta quit associating with that Spitzer dude. You will find the rates aren't always that high.

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    Question for St. Paddy's day

    Anyone know what a Sweet Potato Queen is?


    Chip

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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

    Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
    Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
    So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
    So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
    True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
    Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
    "Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

    Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
    A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


    You may groan now.:D

    I really enjoyed this joke very much. Please post more jokes in the future. Keep up the good work.

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