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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #26
    Master OptiBoarder Snitgirl's Avatar
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    Wink Car Troubl

    A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
    She says, "What's the story?"
    He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
    She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

  2. #27
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    The Blonde and the Sailor

    One night on his way to his ship a sailor comes across a beautiful young lady, sitting on the dock crying her eyes out. He stops, asks her what the matter is, and she tearfully exclaims that she just wants to end her miserable life; she lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and her ex husband cleaned out her bank account. He comforts her with a hug and suggests that she accompany him on his ship which is sailing to Hawaii. All she must do is stay below deck in his quarters and he would supply her with food and drink for the entire trip in exchange for having a warm body to lay next to each night. She thinks about this proposition for a moment, and then gratefully accepts his offer, thinking that a new start in a beautiful tropical locale would be better than ending it all.

    So for two weeks he supplies her with three meals each day, wine, chocolate, and each night he has the pleasure of getting into a warm bed with a beautiful girl waiting for him.

    Then, the captain of the ship happens to be below deck one day checking out a noise one of the other crew members heard and happens across this lady in the crewman's quarters. She explains her situation and how she came to be on the ship and asks how much longer the trip to Hawaii would take as she'd be getting off the ship there and starting her new life.

    The captain replies, " Well I dunno how long it would take to sail to Hawaii but this is the Queen of Surrey ferry which runs between Vancouver Island and the mainland, and we'll be in Vancouver in an hour!"

  3. #28
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?


    A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan! :o

  4. #29
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Barnyard Poem

    The sky was dark
    The moon was high
    We were alone
    Just she and I
    Her hair was brown
    Her eyes were too
    I knew just what
    She wanted to do
    So with my courage
    I did my best
    And placed my hand
    Upon her breast
    I trembled and shook
    And felt her heart
    Slowly she spread
    Her legs apart
    I knew she was ready
    But I didn't know how
    It was my first try
    At milking a cow

  5. #30
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    I have an old Italian friend that used to run a nearby bakery and we loved to exchange Italian jokes. Here's a few of our favorites:
    Definitions:
    Bigamist ..... A big fog over in Italy

    Speciman .... An Italian astronaut.


    Innuendo .....An Italian suppository.
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  6. #31
    OptiBoardaholic Scott R's Avatar
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    3 Drunks in a bar

    Three drinking buddies are sitting at a bar getting a good buzz on .:cheers: The hours tick by and one of them decides to leave for home.

    After bidding his friends good nite he heads for the door.

    As soon as he is outside he sees a nun walking by in her full habit.

    Suddenly he grabs her, punches her in the face, knocks her to the ground and starts mercylessley kicking her.


    His two friends hear muffled screams and come running out of the bar.

    They grab him and yell what are you doing?!?!?!?

    He stands up and says " See guys I told you Batman isnt so tough.":cheers:

  7. #32
    Master OptiBoarder ikon44's Avatar
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    A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
    The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 90-year-old
    said: "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride
    who is pregnant with my child.

    What do you think about that?"

    The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
    began:

    "I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
    One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he
    accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

    When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
    beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and
    went: 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you
    think of that?"

    The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that
    beaver."

    The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."






    > THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES...
    > >
    > >
    > > A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You keep one and
    > > give one to your neighbor.
    > >
    > > A SOCIALIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government takes one and
    > > gives it to your neighbor.
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > Your neighbor has none.
    > > So what?
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
    > > successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
    > > forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
    > > The people you voted for then take the tax money and
    > > buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
    > >
    > > A COMMUNIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government seizes both
    > > and provides you with milk.
    > >
    > > A FASCIST:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
    > > You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
    > >
    > > DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government taxes you to the point you have to
    > > sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only
    > > one cow, which was a gift from your government.
    > >
    > > CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
    > >
    > > BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
    > > the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
    > > down the drain.
    > >
    > > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You sell one, and force the other to produce the
    > > milk of four cows.
    > > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
    > >
    > > A FRENCH CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You go on strike
    > > because you want three cows.
    > >
    > > A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
    > > an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
    > > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
    > > market them World-Wide.
    > >
    > > A GERMAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
    > > eat once a month, and milk themselves.
    > >
    > > A BRITISH CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > They are mad.
    > > They die.
    > > Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
    > >
    > > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows,
    > > but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
    > >
    > > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You count them and learn you have five cows. You
    > > count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
    > > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
    > > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
    > >
    > > A SWISS CORPORATION:
    > > You have 5000 cows, none of which
    > > belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
    > >
    > > A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.
    > > Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
    > > declares bankruptcy.
    > >
    > > AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You worship both of them.
    > >
    > > A CHINESE CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
    > > employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
    > > the newsman who reported on them
    > >
    > > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
    > > There are these two Jewish cows, right?
    > > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and
    > > then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
    > > to become doctors. So, who needs people?
    > >
    > > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
    > > You have two cows.
    > > That one on the left is kinda cute...



    Subject: FW: > This refers to all accountants and auditors


    A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit
    an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he
    says,"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
    The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a
    while they send us a free candle.

    " The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your matzoh
    balls."
    "We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they
    send us a free box of matzoh balls."

    The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
    circumcisions?" The rabbi says,"We send them to the IRS, and every once in a
    while they send us a little prick like you."


    > > > > There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
    > > > > woman on board. .......Mission Control in Houston calls:
    > > > >
    > > > > "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
    > > > > He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment
    > > > > 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
    > > > > reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and
    > > > > releases the oxygen.
    > > > > A few moments later headquarters calls again:
    > > > > "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits
    > > > > down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the
    fuel
    > > > > injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and
    to
    > > > > analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon
    > > > > dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar
    > > > > radiation.
    > > > > A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please .......
    > > > > approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about
    > > > > to be told what to do she says.....
    > > > > I know, I know !!!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."




    > > >
    > > > A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
    > > > hurts
    > > > wherever she touches it.
    > > > "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
    > > > She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
    > pushes
    > > >
    > > > her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
    > touches
    > > >
    > > > makes her scream.
    > > > The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
    > > > She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
    > > > "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."




    It is the opening debate of the 2001 World Women's Conference on the subject
    of Female Assertiveness.

    The first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
    about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference
    I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that
    he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
    second day I still saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
    cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

    The crowd applauded.

    The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I
    went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that
    he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
    After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he
    had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

    The crowd cheered.

    The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "After last year's Conference ah
    went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or
    shoppin' and that he wid haftae dae it hissel. Efter the first day ah saw
    nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could
    jist see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."
    To find out what,s happening in the UK optical market:
    http://theOptom.com

  8. #33
    OptiBoardaholic Scott R's Avatar
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    8 8 8 8

    :shiner: A man is walking down the street. He comes near a big wall and behind this wall he hears people chanting 8 8 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 8 8. He than sees a small hole in the wall. 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8. So he puts his eye to the hole and suddenly someone puts their finger in the hole and pokes him in the eye. Than he hears everyone

    Chanting 9 9 9 9 :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner:

  9. #34
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    One day, while on patrol on a Navy vessel in the arctic, a sailor overslept and failed to show for duty. The bo'sun sent him up to the Captain for discipline. The Captain walked the man to the prow, pointed to the anchor chains, handed him a broom and told him " I want you to sweep every speck of dirt and ice off every link of that anchor chain and I don't care if it takes you all night! Either that or the brig!"
    So the sailor sighs, takes the broom and starts to sweep. After a short while, an arctic tern flew by and landed on his broom. Well the sailor grabbed the tern and tossed it into the air whereupon it flew back and again landed on his broom. He grabbed it, tossed it and it flew back. This was getting maddening, but he kept at it. This went on all night and he got no work done.
    Then the Captain came to inspect his work in the morning. Seeing that the chain was still dirty he started to really bawl out the sailor. After a few minutes, the Captain wound down enough to ask him, "Just what in the Hell were you doing all night, sailor?"
    And the sailor replied, "Sorry, sir. I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  10. #35
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
    The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmmm, I smell sausage.”
    The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said “Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes.”
    The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. The baby mole said, “The only thing I can smell is molasses.”

  11. #36
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A man from Rhode Island travels down to Texas. Being thirsty and bit hungry, he enters a local diner.
    "I'll have a small bag of potato chips and a small beer." says the man to the waitress.
    A couple minutes later, the waitress brings out a wheelbarrow full of chips.
    "But I ordered a SMALL bag of chips!" he said. "This is Texas, sir - this is the smallest we have." A minute later, she rolls out a keg of beer for him. Again he protests the size, but again the waitress says, "Sir, this is Texas, we do things big here - this is the smallest we have."
    So he chugs as much as he can, eats as much as he can and after awhile he asks the waitress, "I have to use the Rest Room, can you tell me where it is?"
    She says, "Down the hallway, last door on the right." So he goes down the hallway, but goes into the last door on the left and falls into the swimming pool.
    He screams frantically "DON'T FLUSH IT!!!!!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  12. #37
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

    The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
    The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

  13. #38
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Do you know why Columbus, Ohio has no professional sports team?


    Because if they did, Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.:drop:
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  14. #39
    Master OptiBoarder
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    Columbus has a MLS team called the Crew!

  15. #40
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by CME4SPECS View Post
    Columbus has a MLS team called the Crew!

    Aw, man! You're ruining a perfectly good dig at Cleveland and Cincinnati!:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  16. #41
    Master OptiBoarder Snitgirl's Avatar
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    Actually it didn't suck for me, it was funny.. but... maybe... lol, maybe for you... ahahahaha sorry fezzy, it just cracked me up! my paycheck.. ahahah, good one... good one...


    Quote Originally Posted by Fezz View Post
    Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


    Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

  17. #42
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

    The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
    So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
    The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." :o :shiner: :o

  18. #43
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

    ''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''

  19. #44
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    I actually did this

    I had a young lady in who was a catholic nun, modern dress type. She had a pair of rigid contact lenses in bad condition. I polished, re-edged, corrected poor peripheral curves, etc. Or just generally re-built them.

    After I finished, the sister asked me: " How much do I owe you?"

    I replied: "There's no charge for this."

    A small debate ensued, she insisted on paying, I insisted that it be no charge.

    I finally prevailed, and the young lady said: "Well O.K. but you are going to have to tell me why there is no charge."

    I said: "Well sister I saw that you were wearing a wedding ring, and I have been told this is supposed to sybolize that you are married to God. I'll be damned if I send your old man a bill."

    We have been friends ever since.

    Chip:cheers:

  20. #45
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    Dave Allen At Large, again ...


    A Dublin man, about 30, with just a trace of alcohol on his breath - but not drunk - enters the confessional in his small, neighborhood Catholic church.

    "Father, I bin terrible sinful. I bin makin' phone calls."

    Phone calls?

    "I call up young women and when they answer the phone, I don't say anythin'. But my breathin' gets very fast and loud - like a dog pantin'."

    How many phone calls?

    "Two already, this week."

    Put two quid in the collection box on your way out. May God be with you.


    One week later:

    "Father, I bin terrible sinful agin. I made two more phone calls ..."

    I'm not surprised. Sinful habits are hard to break. Put two quid in the collection box and may God be with you.


    Two weeks later:

    "Father ..." But the priest cuts him off in midsentence.

    How many?

    "Three ..."

    Put three quid in the box on your way out. May God be with you.

    "All I got here is a fiver."

    Put it in the box and make two more phone calls.




    See Dave Allen At Large explain The Secret Of Happiness ...
    Last edited by rinselberg; 05-14-2007 at 03:51 PM.

  21. #46
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
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    Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

    And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
    One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
    Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
    The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
    Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

  22. #47
    Ophthalmic Optician OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...











    The mule died.

  23. #48
    Bad address email on file k12311997's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johns View Post
    of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...


    The mule died.
    PA animal control calls WV animal control.

    We have one of your raccoons here.

    How can you tell?

    It was caught in a trap it chewed off three of its legs and its still trapped.

  24. #49
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Johns View Post
    of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...











    The mule died.
    That was NOT a mule - it was an ATV.


    (WV leads all states in ATV deaths)
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #50
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    A guy goes duck hunting in PA. He's bagged a triplet of ducks, and the local game warden spots him. Determined to get a fine, he goes over the hunter and asks for his license. The hunter provides a current one. Still determined to get a fine, thinking the hunter was from WV, he sticks his finger up one of the ducks' butt, pulls it out and sniffs it.
    He says, "Wait a minute - this duck is from Florida - you got a Florida license?"
    The hunter provides a current Florida license.
    Aggravated, the PA game warden sticks his finger up another duck butt, sniffs it and declares,
    "Wait a minute- this duck is from California - you have a California license?"
    The hunter provides a current California license.
    Desperate, the warden repeats his procedure and says, "Wait a minute - this last duck is from Texas - you have a Texas license?"
    Undaunted, the hunter provides a current Texas license.
    The warden it totally flummoxed by now and says, "Geez, you have all these licenses - where the heck are you from!?"

    The hunter turns around, drops his pants, leans over and says, "If you're so good at that - you tell me!"


    And-
    What has 22 legs and three teeth?
    The front row in a PA concert.:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

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