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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #326
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    I was at the bar Sunday, watching the Super Bowl when I heard a British accent. It was a couple of ladies talking, so I asked them, "Are you gals from Britain?"

    One of them said, " It's Wales!"

    SO I said, " Ok, are you whales from Britain?"



    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The drivers says, " Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The lady storms off to the back of the bus. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, " That bus driver just insulted me!". The man says, "You should go and give him a good telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you"...


    I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!


    My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I never knew they really work...

  2. #327
    Master OptiBoarder AngeHamm's Avatar
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    A guy walks into the store and slams a fistfull of cash on the counter. "I want to buy a guitar!" he exclaims. "I'm tired of the guitarist getting all the glory, all the attention, and all the girls. This is bullcrap. I'm sick of being overlooked and taken for granted. I want to buy a guitar."

    The man behind the counter calmly replies, "You're a drummer, right?"

    The guy blinks and says, "Yeah! How did you know?"

    "This is a liquor store, man."
    I'm Andrew Hamm and I approve this message.

  3. #328
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by optical24/7 View Post

    I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!
    We used to take notes during those late night elbow bending sessions just for that reason!

    *******************************

    It was so cold last week that I saw the mayor walking down the street with her hands in her own pockets.

    *******************************
    Economics 101

    PREMISE: You have two cows.

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbor

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    ... The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive...
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  4. #329
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.

    Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 06-28-2020 at 09:23 AM.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  5. #330
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Two dyslexics are in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

    The other replies, "I can't even smell my own name."
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  6. #331
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Jokes about eyes are awesome. The cornea, the better...
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  7. #332
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Martellaro View Post
    Jokes about eyes are awesome. The cornea, the better...
    OMG, that's really a bad joke!...Here's some more!

    Why did the cross eyed teacher quit her job? She couldn't control her pupils.

    Why did the phone where glasses? It had lost all it's contacts.

    What did the right eye say to the left eye? "Between you and me, there's something that smells.."

    How many eye doctors does it take to change a light bulb? "1 or 2?"

    What's it called when you poke your eye putting on safety glasses? Eye-rony.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes? "Fishually impaired".

  8. #333
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by optical24/7 View Post
    OMG, that's really a bad joke!
    Good groaners.

    Daughter: I want a Barbie and a GI Joe for my birthday.
    Mother: Doesn't Barbie come with Ken?
    Daughter: No, she comes with GI Joe. She fakes it with Ken.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  9. #334
    Forever Liz's Dad Steve Machol's Avatar
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    Did you hear about the Amish woman who was shunned? Too Mennonite.


    OptiBoard Administrator
    ----
    OptiBoard has been proudly serving the Eyecare Community since 1995.

  10. #335
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    Man goes to a job fair in Toronto, at the optical booth he explores the possibility of becoming an optician. The man asks the regulator manning the booth, “What job security is there if I become an Optician ? The regulator replies: “ To sell glasses to people in Ontario you have to be an Optician and licensed”

  11. #336
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    A Villain Who Unintentionally Always Does Helpful Things

    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  12. #337
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Chicago Rats

    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  13. #338
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Two ducks are walking down the road. One of the ducks says "quack". The other duck says: "OMG, I was going to say the same thing!"
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  14. #339
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcasowder View Post
    A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
    The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
    The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.

    He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
    The duck says "OK and leaves.

    Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
    "No", the bartenter replied, confused.

    Then the duck said....... "Good, got any grapes?"



    couldn't help it. so stupid it's funny!!!!!:p
    hahahahaha the duck is intelligent he ensure that bartender does not have any nails.

  15. #340
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Martellaro View Post
    Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.

    That's why I love HONDA rather than any other brand. hahahahahaha

  16. #341
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Why is Santa so Jolly?

    He knows where all of the naughty girls live.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  17. #342
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    What's invisible and smells like carrots?









    Bunny farts.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  18. #343
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Martellaro View Post
    What's invisible and smells like carrots?









    Bunny farts.
    Finally!! A name for the aromatic effect shortly after having my daily Vitameatavegamin smoothie! Thanks!

  19. #344
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by optical24/7 View Post
    Finally!! A name for the aromatic effect shortly after having my daily Vitameatavegamin smoothie! Thanks!
    We received a few extras when we saw the movie at Oriental Theater. No bunny farts here, let me tell you!

    Robert
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  20. #345
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Who is Jack Schitt?

    For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

    Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

    Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack
    Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

    After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

    Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
    ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

    The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

    Sincerely,
    Crock O. Schitt

  21. #346
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Rolling Stones Shreds 2009

    StSanders (Santeri Ojala) scores a Stones vid with his own music and lyrics.



    "Charlie...Help!"
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  22. #347
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
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    Intergalactic Opticians Forum

    Alternative history opticianry.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  23. #348
    OptiWizard
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    So I had a long career as a Little O. I made a boat-load of money and got respect from everyone. Just like the Big O, and the Middle O.

    I'll be here all week folks. Try the veal and don't forget to tip your waitress.

  24. #349
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery.

    Daffy turns to Elmer and says, “ Hey, is this whiskey?”

    Elmer said, “ Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank.”



  25. #350
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    lol xd

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