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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #326
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
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    I was at the bar Sunday, watching the Super Bowl when I heard a British accent. It was a couple of ladies talking, so I asked them, "Are you gals from Britain?"

    One of them said, " It's Wales!"

    SO I said, " Ok, are you whales from Britain?"



    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The drivers says, " Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The lady storms off to the back of the bus. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, " That bus driver just insulted me!". The man says, "You should go and give him a good telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you"...


    I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!


    My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I never knew they really work...

  2. #327
    Master OptiBoarder AngeHamm's Avatar
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    A guy walks into the store and slams a fistfull of cash on the counter. "I want to buy a guitar!" he exclaims. "I'm tired of the guitarist getting all the glory, all the attention, and all the girls. This is bullcrap. I'm sick of being overlooked and taken for granted. I want to buy a guitar."

    The man behind the counter calmly replies, "You're a drummer, right?"

    The guy blinks and says, "Yeah! How did you know?"

    "This is a liquor store, man."
    I'm Andrew Hamm and I approve this message.

  3. #328
    One eye sees, the other feels. OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Quote Originally Posted by optical24/7 View Post

    I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!
    We used to take notes during those late night elbow bending sessions just for that reason!

    *******************************

    It was so cold last week that I saw the mayor walking down the street with her hands in her own pockets.

    *******************************
    Economics 101

    PREMISE: You have two cows.

    SOCIALISM
    You have 2 cows.
    You give one to your neighbor

    COMMUNISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and gives you some milk

    FASCISM
    You have 2 cows.
    ... The State takes both and sells you some milk

    NAZISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both and shoots you

    BUREAUCRATISM
    You have 2 cows.
    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
    throws the milk away

    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell one and buy a bull.
    Your herd multiplies, and the economy
    grows.
    You sell them and retire on the income

    VENTURE CAPITALISM
    You have two cows.
    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
    your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
    for five cows.
    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
    The public then buys your bull.

    SURREALISM
    You have two giraffes.
    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You sell one, and force the other to
    produce the milk of four cows.
    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
    the cow has dropped dead.

    A GREEK CORPORATION
    You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
    dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
    You still only have two cows.

    A FRENCH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
    cows.

    A JAPANESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
    twenty times the milk.
    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
    market it worldwide.

    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows,
    but you don't know where they are.
    You decide to have lunch.

    A SWISS CORPORATION
    You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
    You charge the owners for storing them.

    A CHINESE CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You have 300 people milking them.
    You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

    AN INDIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    You worship them.

    A BRITISH CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Both are mad.

    AN IRAQI CORPORATION
    Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
    You tell them that you have none.
    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    Business seems pretty good.
    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
    You have two cows.
    The one on the left looks very attractive...
    Roberts Optical Ltd.
    Wauwatosa Wi.
    www.roberts-optical.com
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

  4. #329
    One eye sees, the other feels. OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.

    Roberts Optical Ltd.
    Wauwatosa Wi.
    www.roberts-optical.com
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

  5. #330
    One eye sees, the other feels. OptiBoard Gold Supporter
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    Two dyslexics are in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"

    The other replies, "I can't even smell my own name."
    Roberts Optical Ltd.
    Wauwatosa Wi.
    www.roberts-optical.com
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

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