1. I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@\$t@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

2. A farmer buys a new rooster to breed with his hens. The young rooster is a stud and immediately gets out to work. He spends the entire day reproducing with every single chicken on the farm and gets so into it he ends up doing some of the ducks too. The farmed is surprised to see such a robust and active rooster. Then the next day the rooster is laying flat on the ground, motionless, and the farmer goes "Poor feller's tiny heart couldn't handle all that action in one day." Then the rooster opens one eye and says to the farmer "Hush, I'm trying to lure in the vultures..."

3. How do actors do crying scenes?

4. (P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN

as a former math tutor i found that WAYYYY too funny when i first saw it :)

5. Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....

What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"

Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.

A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put \$10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the \$10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

6. A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

7. Why don't blind people sky dive?

Its scares the hell out of the dog..

8. Speaking of dogs........

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!

9. Originally Posted by Fezz
Speaking of dogs........

What do you call a dog with no legs?
When I lived in Korea, they called it dinner!

10. How about a toast to the awesome guy they started this thread?

We love (and miss) you Mark!

11. Originally Posted by Fezz
Speaking of dogs........

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!
And where do you find him? Right where you left him!

12. Originally Posted by Fezz
Speaking of dogs........

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!
And what can you do with him? Take him for a drag!

13. Originally Posted by Johns
When I lived in Korea, they called it dinner!
When I lived there, they called it chicken-on-a-stick or yaki-mandu.

14. Originally Posted by Wes
When I lived there, they called it chicken-on-a-stick or yaki-mandu.
I thought yaki-mandu (we called it "yucky-mandu) was the deep fried meats and vegetable the street vendors sold after the bars closed. We called the dog w/no legs Gaygogi.

15. Two nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man in a trench coat runs up and flashes them. The first nun has a stroke. The second nun tried but she couldn't reach.

16. Johns makes a sparkler...( Check out his hair before and after)

17. "This brand requires the professionalism of ECPs,” said Carrier. Coastal will nonetheless be able to offer Transitions products."

18. Three Labradors were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?" The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pizzer. I pizz on everything... the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pizzed in the middle of my owner's bed.

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nutz off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the he77 of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nutz too", the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away".

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nutz off for you too, huh?" The Yellow Lab replied, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

19. A photon checks in to a hotel.

Receptionist asks, "Do you have any luggage we can bring to your room?"

Photon replies, "No. I'm traveling light."

20. A CONSIDERATE LAWYER

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."

21. A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends \$ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29."

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

22. Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

23. 1.How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

2, If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

3.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

4.How is it possible to have a civil war?

5. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

6.If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is this considered a hostage situation?

24. My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 175 in about 4 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
I said "Dust."

And then the fight started.

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible, I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I replied. "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

And then the fight started.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. However I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, fishing..... Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point....

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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