Favorite Jokes

[B101875]

new policy in heaven

it was getting a little crowded in heaven, so god decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of
heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "before i let you in, i need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"no problem," the man said. "i came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as i searched the entire apartment.

Just as i was about to give up, i happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, i ran out
onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, i went back inside to get the first thing i could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing i thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that i had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

the angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the
angel announced, "ok, sir. Welcome to the kingdom of heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The angel said, "before i can let you in, i need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"no problem," said the second man. "but you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so i
was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess i got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, i was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course i fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so i didn't die right away. As i'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, i see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

the angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "i could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

"very well," the angel announces. "welcome to the kingdom of heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "please tell me how you died."

the third man says, "ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator......."

lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol

[chip anderson]

I did this decades ago..

I had a nun in as a contact lens patient. The lady was one who used modern contemporary dress. She had a pair of horriblly fitting, beat up scratched up hard contact lenses. I re-edged, polished and more or less re-built them. When I returned them to her eyes she remarked: "This is wonderfull, how much do I owe you."
I replied: "There's no charge sister."
She insisted on paying and I kept insisting that I would not accept payment. In the end I prevailed and she said: "Allright but you have got to tell me why you are not charging."
I told her: "Sister, I noticed that you are wearing a wedding ring. While I am not Catholic I have been told that this is supposed to symbolize that you are married to God. I'll be damned if I'll send your old man a bill."

Chip

[Kara]

Two babies walk into a bar. One baby turns to the other and says, "Are you getting the feeling we're in the wrong joke?"

bahahahahaha!!!!!!!

[optical24/7]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,"we're not coming out until you leave."

The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



Some old men can still think fast.

[Uncle Fester]

What's new in physics?

[SharonB]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

+100!!!!

[SharonB]

OK - in days of yore Alexander the Great rode into the interior of Asia. He found a tribe that used a magical liquid for telling time. They would dip a rag into the liquid, and then wrap it around their wrists. When it was high noon, the rags would turn black. Then they would gradually fade until the sun set and turn back to white. He called it Alexander's Rag Time Band. Ouch!

[SharonB]

What's new in physics?

Dulcolax

[Uncle Fester]

Dulcolax

Wrong...Try again?

Anyone? --- What's new in physics?

[Psychobablr7]

Wrong...Try again?

Anyone? --- What's new in physics?

the thirteenth letter of the greek alphabet ?

[optical24/7]

Wrong...Try again?

Anyone? --- What's new in physics?

[Uncle Fester]

the thirteenth letter of the greek alphabet ?

Nope- It's soo obvious!!!

What's new in physics?

[edit]- Crude- I'm blocked at work but I'll bet we have a winner!

[vcom]

what's new in physics?.. technically nothing. It all happened like a badrillion years ago with the big bang and all that snazzy stuff.

Which reminds me of a joke..

Physicist walks up to the sales counter with a basket full of Neutrinos, and asks, "How much?" Sales person shakes his head and says, "There's no charge."

[Johns]

No joke:

I was just browsing ebay, looking for a trade show display, and stumbled upon this. Very true, and very funny!

Complete Black; Red; Gray (Panel Color Options- reversable) ExpoSystems 10' Linear Panel Type Display System that includes 2 lights, the hardware and the 2 shipping cases. This is not a pop-up system and requires simple assembly, however, it is quite easy to complete. It takes only 15 minutes for two ladies to assemble and 30 minutes for two men to assemble because the ladies will read and follow the drawing and instructions that are also provided with the display.

[optilady1]

No joke:

I was just browsing ebay, looking for a trade show display, and stumbled upon this. Very true, and very funny!

Complete Black; Red; Gray (Panel Color Options- reversable) ExpoSystems 10' Linear Panel Type Display System that includes 2 lights, the hardware and the 2 shipping cases. This is not a pop-up system and requires simple assembly, however, it is quite easy to complete. It takes only 15 minutes for two ladies to assemble and 30 minutes for two men to assemble because the ladies will read and follow the drawing and instructions that are also provided with the display.

yup. checks. and it's funny!

[optical24/7]

Note to self; Bookmark this page as proof to my wife that she, not I should assemble all the things she buys at Ikea.

[optilady1]

Note to self; Bookmark this page as proof to my wife that she, not I should assemble all the things she buys at Ikea.

Blah blah blah :)

[J Q VISION]

This cute story will help keep your morals in line as we approach Voting Day again.



While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.


His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.


"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."


"Really? I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.


"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."


And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.


The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.


In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.


Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.


They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.


Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.


They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.


Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.


The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven. . .”


So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.


"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."


The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."


So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes back down, down, down to hell. . .


Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.


He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.


The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.


"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning,
Today, you voted. . ."





--

[optical24/7]

picking up chicks.jpg

[optical24/7]

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where there is plenty of room at each side.

With a 5 pound potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out, from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10 pound potato bags.

Next try 50 pound potato bags

Eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100 pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute (I'm at this level).


After you feel confident at that level put a potato in each bag.......

[Johns]

That potato joke got a laugh from both my wife (not a big deal) AND my son. (He's a teenager...BIG deal).

They both said, "That's a typical John/Dad joke".

[sjoseph51]

It's 1762 or 1761...then try it.

[manoj_verma]

A speeding bus-load of politicians hit a tree on the roadside,and all the passengers died.
A farmer saw the accident ,dug a hole and buried them all.
After a few days,A Policeman came and asked the farmer wheather he had seen the accident and if he knew where the politicians had gone ?The Farmer replied,'Yes,I saw the accident,and all the politicians had died and I burried them.'
The Policeman asked,'Were all of them dead '?
The Farmer replied,'Some of them said they were alive,but you know how these politicians are,never tell the truth,I buried them all '

[optilady1]

The cow story

DEMOCRATIC- You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM- You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST-You have 2 cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow

COMMUNIST- You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE- You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE- You have 2 cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2^nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of 4 cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION- You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are 2. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION- You have 2 bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION- You have 1 cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish. The
Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION- You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the better looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the better looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION- You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only 5 speak English. Most are illegal’s. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[optical24/7]

For my Texan friends;


A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".


The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."