A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine." [IMG]chrome://livemargins/skin/monitor-background-horizontal.png[/IMG] [IMG]chrome://livemargins/skin/monitor-background-vertical.png[/IMG] [IMG]chrome://livemargins/skin/monitor-play-button.png[/IMG]
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”
“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”, he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You have come back for story, yes?”
“Are you kidding?,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Politician!”
Once there was this guy, Frank who weighed in at well over 900 pounds. He
had tried every fad diet around, and had been to several weight-loss programs
including clinics,camps,shelters,etc. Nothing seemed to work in any large
degree of success.
In desperation, he finally went to a Gypsy doctor. The Gypsy danced around
him, shook all sorts of items at him, mumbled words, cast spells, and
generally put on a good show for the man, and only charged him $200. Frank
thought this was far less than anyone else had charged him, but still didn't
have any real hope of losing much weight.
Frank weighed himself a week later, and, to his astonishment, he had lost
over 100 pounds!!
After his second week, he had lost another 100 pounds and he rushed back to
the Gypsy. He showed the Gypsy how much weight he had lost and said how
thrilled he was to finally find something that worked, but he had two small
misgivings: how long would the weight loss last, and what was he to do with
all the loose skin starting to develop on his body. The Gypsy reassured him
that his weight loss would stop and hold him to his normal weight of 200
pounds, and he said to just push all the loose skin up to the top of his
head, and tie a string around it, and it would fall off. Frank thought that
was a little weird, but to his surprise - it worked!
Weeks later, Frank was a fit 200 pounds(still being of large bones), and
ready to re-join the dating world.He called up a honey he had his eye on, and
behold! She accepted his date offer!
On their date, they were having a great time, and Frank told her of his
recent, astounding weight loss. "That's so nice, Frank." said the buxom babe,
" I'm glad to see someone overcome such a handicap. By the way, I've been
wondering all night, what is that indentation on your forehead?"
"Oh, that." Said Frank,"That's my bellybutton-WANNA SEE MY NECKTIE !?"
DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."
A cabbie picks up a Nun
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. I have a confession too.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
I had to look up "paraprosdokian". Here is the definition:
"Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is
surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
An example: "Where there's a will, I want to be in it,".... is a type of paraprosdokian.
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, ...we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut,
...and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive twice.
19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There's a fine line between cuddling and... holding someone down so they can't get away.
21. I used to be indecisive... Now I'm not so sure.
22. You're never too old to learn... something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
25 Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt.... Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
"There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."
Fezz is considering a new signature. His top picks;
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up . . . reading." Henny Youngman
"In the Bowling Alley of Tomorrow, there will even be machines that wear rental shoes and throw the ball for you. Your sole function will be to drink beer." Dave Barry
"Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." George Burns
"Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth." Steve Allen
"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with fools." Ernest Hemmingway
"If your doctor warns that you have to watch your drinking, find a bar with a mirror." John Mooney
"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." Phil Harris
"Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink." Unknown
"Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, "I'm thirsty, not dirty". Joe Lewis
NEW POLICY IN HEAVEN
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of
Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."
"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.
Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out
onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."
The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the
Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."
"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I
was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his REFRIGERATOR, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.
"Very well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "Please tell me how you died."
The third man says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
refrigerator......."
lol
One of a regular foursome of golfers moves out of town. Looking around they notice a new guy so they ask him if he'd like to join them as they play every Sunday...
"Gee that would be great. What time?"
"We have a tee time at 8 o'clock."
"Great but I might be a few minutes late."
The next Sunday he shows up right at 8 and right handed he shoots one over par. He has to go right after they finish so they ask him if he can play the next week.
"Sure! What time?"
"8'oclock."
"Super- But I might be a few minutes late."
The next Sunday he plays left handed and shoots even par but again has to leave right away. But before he leaves they invite him to play the following Sunday.
"OK- What time?"
"8 o'clock."
"Fantastic- but I might be a few minutes late."
Sure enough right on time he shows up and right handed plays to a one under par. This time he joins them at the bar for a drink where they tell him how impressed they are with his ability to play from either side of the ball really well.
"But we're curious." One of them says. "How do you decide which way you're going to play?"
"Well" He says. "When I wake up in the morning if my wife is lying on her right side I golf right handed. If she's lying on her left I golf left handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
"Then I'm a few minutes late!"
A CEO, a blue-collar worker, and a welfare recipient are sitting at a table with a plate of 10 cookies in front of them.
The CEO reaches out and nabs 8 of the cookies, turns to the blue collar employee and says "Look out for that welfare guy, he wants one of your cookies".
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A Roamin' Catholic!
Shot my first turkey yesterday, scared the living s**t out of everyone in the frozen food section...............:poop:
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting stuff instead of food?" the man asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't hunted in 20 years!" "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting ."
Funny stuff. Anymore blonde jokes?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CAbFDt3Evs
Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
What do you feed a gay horse?
Haaaaaaa-aaayyyyyy!
Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA
“As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein
A drunk, a priest and a pedophile walk into a bar.
He orders a drink.
Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA
“As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein
Wife is in front of her bathroom mirror and husband walks in. She exclaims, "I wish my breasts were bigger."
He says, "rub some toilet paper between them every day for a few years."
She looks puzzled, the asks "why?"
"worked for your *** didn't it?"
Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
She had mittens!
Sign above the urinal in a dive bar
PLEASE DO NOT THROW TOOTHPICKS IN THE URINAL...THE CRABS KNOW HOW TO POLE VAULT.
What do you feed a gay horse?
HAAAA-aaaayyyyy!
Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA
“As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein
A husband and wife were having their first born child. When they got into the delivery room the Dr. proposed them with a method of pain management. He said,
"We have a new machine now that will allow the mother to share the pain with the father. Thus, relieving some of her pain and giving it to the father and making this a more team experience. Would you be interested in trying this?"
To which the husband replied, "Absolutely! Anything I can help to make this experience for her easier, I will do it."
They hooked a machine up to the mother, and started the husband off at 20% so it wouldn't be too overwhelming for him. After about 30mins into labor, he is doing great and exclaims that he doesn't feel a thing and asks them to crank it up. They get it up to 50% and watch as the mothers labor increasingly gets easier.
After awhile the husband exclaims again, "This is far too easy, I don't feel a thing! I don't know what you women complain about. Hey Doc, crank it up to 100% I can handle this!"
They do, and the couple painlessly deliver a healthy baby boy. The delivery went so well the new parents and baby get to go home that afternoon. Upon arrival to their home. They discover the mail man nearly passed out, writhing in pain.
Here's one that was my Facebook Statuslast nite. “Hearing that Jesus Loves you is Nice. Unless You arein a Mexican Prison.”
Originally Posted by kmarshall
A husband and wife were having their first born child. When they got into the delivery room the Dr. proposed them with a method of pain management. He said,
"We have a new machine now that will allow the mother to share the pain with the father. Thus, relieving some of her pain and giving it to the father and making this a more team experience. Would you be interested in trying this?"
To which the husband replied, "Absolutely! Anything I can help to make this experience for her easier, I will do it."
They hooked a machine up to the mother, and started the husband off at 20% so it wouldn't be too overwhelming for him. After about 30mins into labor, he is doing great and exclaims that he doesn't feel a thing and asks them to crank it up. They get it up to 50% and watch as the mothers labor increasingly gets easier.
After awhile the husband exclaims again, "This is far too easy, I don't feel a thing! I don't know what you women complain about. Hey Doc, crank it up to 100% I can handle this!"
They do, and the couple painlessly deliver a healthy baby boy. The delivery went so well the new parents and baby get to go home that afternoon. Upon arrival to their home. They discover the mail man nearly passed out, writhing in pain.
I love this one. I have told this one many times!
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