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Thread: Dumb jokes

  1. #1
    Master OptiBoarder chm2023's Avatar
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    Dumb jokes

    I need some new dumb jokes--like why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

    My brother and family, including 2 young sons, are visiting this weekend. Always like to have a supply of lame jokes for them--they groan, but I know they think I am wicked funny!

  2. #2
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    why did johnny put his mother under the steps






    He wanted a step mother

  3. #3
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    A statistician goes on a guided elephant hunt in Africa. He sees an elephant and takes a shot. "you missed! you're 10 feet to the left" yells the guide. The statistician shoots again. "missed again!" yells the guide. "this time you're 10 feet to the right!" "got him!" yells the statistician.:D

  4. #4
    sub specie aeternitatis Pete Hanlin's Avatar
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    An Irish guy walks out of a bar... That's the joke!

    Q: What did Moses use to part the Red Sea?
    A: A sea saw!

    Q:What do you get if you cross a cantaloupe and Lassie?
    A: A melon-collie baby!

    A guy with dark shades and a white pole with a red tip walks into a tailor's shop with a guide dog... he walks to the center of the store and suddenly starts twirling the dog over his head with the leash (the dog obviously starts yelping and barking and making a racket)... the tailor rushes over and says "Is everything okay?!?" To which the gentleman replies- "Oh yeah, I was just looking around!"

    Q: What did the fish say when it slammed into a concrete wall?
    A: Damn!

    Q: You know how ducks always fly in a "V" formation? Well, do you know which side is ALWAYS the longest?
    A: The side with more ducks!

    And my personal favorite horrible joke (since my dad has the same name as I do...)
    Pete and re-Pete are on a boat, Pete falls off- who's left on the boat?
    Pete Hanlin, ABOM
    Sr. Director Professional Solutions
    Essilor of America

    http://linkedin.com/in/pete-hanlin-72a3a74

  5. #5
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    Oh be still my heart... 4000 more posts like this??????:bbg:

  6. #6
    Master OptiBoarder optigrrl's Avatar
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    Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

    A. 1001. 1 to do it and the other 1000 to stand out in the audience with their lighters lit.


    Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?

    A: Homeless.

  7. #7
    Underemployed Genius Jacqui's Avatar
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    These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

    Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair.

    He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

    He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

    So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

    Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

    Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

  8. #8
    Master OptiBoarder JennyP's Avatar
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    The only riddle I always remember:

    Q: Why wouldn't the skeleton cross the road?

    A: He had no guts.
    "The Good Lord gave us mountains so we could learn how to climb". ~ Lonestar

  9. #9
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    The celling














    On you didn'ty get it







    It must have been over your head!

    How to catch an elephant ?

    First you dig a big hole
    start a bonfire
    and when the fire goes out and the elephant comes bye kick him in the ash hole.

  10. #10
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    Had to revive this thread before it went off the main board...

    The three stages of sex drive in a man's life...
    tri-weekly
    try weekly
    try weakly

  11. #11
    sub specie aeternitatis Pete Hanlin's Avatar
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    And then there was the insomniac, dyslexic, atheist...
    ...he stayed up all night wondering if there might be a dog!


    What is the definition of a tactic?
    A breath mint for dyslexics!


    PS- Not intended to offend anyone who might be dyslexic- one of my best friends struggled with this as a child (I'm convinced many "ADD" children really have this disorder).
    Pete Hanlin, ABOM
    Sr. Director Professional Solutions
    Essilor of America

    http://linkedin.com/in/pete-hanlin-72a3a74

  12. #12
    OptiBoardaholic
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    Whta disrorder?

  13. #13
    OptiWizard ksquared's Avatar
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    A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

    A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

    A dyslexic man walks into a bra...............

    :o

    Debt Crisis 2011: All the ostensible nobility in the world notwithstanding, we have run out of other people's money to spend.

  14. #14
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    a pair of twins are sitting in a bar having a beer. A drunk across the bar keeps staring at them and shaking his head. "its ok," says one of the twins, "you're not seeing double, we're twins." "All four of you?" says the drunk.

  15. #15
    OptiWizard ksquared's Avatar
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    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
    Last edited by ksquared; 08-04-2006 at 02:18 PM. Reason: wrong theme

    Debt Crisis 2011: All the ostensible nobility in the world notwithstanding, we have run out of other people's money to spend.

  16. #16
    OptiBoardaholic
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    Where is your Tom Jones joke? it was hilarious.

  17. #17
    OptiWizard ksquared's Avatar
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    back by popular demand

    Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
    Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
    Patient: "Is it common?"
    Doc: "Well, it's Not Unusual."


    :p

    Debt Crisis 2011: All the ostensible nobility in the world notwithstanding, we have run out of other people's money to spend.

  18. #18
    That Boy Ain't Right Blake's Avatar
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    A Rabbi crashed on an island in the middle of the South Pacific. On this island there was a tribe of midget people called the Trids. The Trids were very friendly and they welcomed to Rabbi to their island.
    After living with them for some time he asked them why they never traveled to the other side of the island. The Chief of the Trids answered, "There is only one path to the other side and it goes over a large hill. At the top of the hill there is a troll and whenever we try to cross he kicks us back down the hill."
    Well, the Rabbi was still curious so he decided to attempt to cross. He made his way up the hill and when he got to the top he saw the troll but the troll did not move so he just kept walking. After spending a few weeks exploring the other side of the island and finding that it was just like the first side only Tridless, he decided to return. When he got back up to the top of the hill he saw the troll again. This time he stopped and said, "I'm curious, why didn't you kick me back down the hill?"

    The troll responded, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
    Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear brighter before you hear them speak.

  19. #19
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    A three- legged dog limps into a bar, pulls out a six shooter, and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

    A panda walks into a bar and eats all the pretzels in the place. He then pulls out a gun, and shoots up the place, then walks out. Just as he is leaving, the bartender says "What the heck did you do that for?" The panda says "Im a panda, buddy, look it up in the dictionary." The bartender gets out hid dictionary and looks up "panda." PANDA- a marsupial mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
    Last edited by Dave Nelson; 08-04-2006 at 05:22 PM. Reason: added a dumb joke

  20. #20
    sub specie aeternitatis Pete Hanlin's Avatar
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    Q:How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None, in a couple weeks, you'll get used to the dark!

    Q: How many ODs does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One or two, two or three, three or four...
    Pete Hanlin, ABOM
    Sr. Director Professional Solutions
    Essilor of America

    http://linkedin.com/in/pete-hanlin-72a3a74

  21. #21
    opti-tipster harry a saake's Avatar
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    jokes

    whats the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball

    Men will search for a golf ball

  22. #22
    Underemployed Genius Jacqui's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by harry a saake View Post
    whats the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball

    Men will search for a golf ball
    Sounds like a man. :(

  23. #23
    Bad address email on file
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    What kind of bees make milk....

    Boobies.

    K its bad but I could resist.

    Cindy

  24. #24
    opti-tipster harry a saake's Avatar
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    joke

    hear about the two antennas that got married

    wedding went great

    reception was lousy

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