Pete and Maria Jokes

[Night Train]

OK, I have been reading postings from everybody for a few months now and I have decided that Pete and Maria are going to be the victims of this posting. The idea here is that you take a joke that you have heard and re-tell it using Pete and/or Maria in the Joke. I'll go first.
Pete and Maria are camping in the desert, set up their
tent, and are asleep.
Some hours later, Maria wakes her faithful friend.
"Pete, look up and tell me what you see."
Pete replies, "I see millions of stars."
What does that tell you?" asks Maria
Pete ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that
there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.
Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all powerful and we are small
and insignificant.
Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Maria?"

Maria is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Pete, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[Maria]

This joke is approved, because I come out best.

[Darris Chambless]

Hello Night Train,

I realize that you know Pete better than I do, but I would have to say that is Pete to a "T" :-) Except that he would never be out camping with a woman other than his wife (although Maria is a hot babe :-)

I will say (in Pete's defense) that it is never safe to put he, I and Chad together when there is alcohol available and the chance to cut loose :-)

Take care,

Darris "Have your boyfriend hold your drink for you!" C.

PS. Whatever Pete has said about me is true unless, of course, he told you nothing which is also true :-)

[Pete Hanlin]

Okay...
One evening, Maria is tending bar at the local pub, when Pete walks in the front door and asks for a Long Island. Maria takes one look at Pete, who- while obviously a very handsome man- is also obviously already quite toasted. She decides to take a break from her bottle-tossing drink-mixing artistry...

Not being like the "shooter girls" in New Orleans, Maria does the responsible thing and says "sir, although I can plainly see you are quite a manly man, I'm afraid serving you any more alcohol would be irresponsible- would you like me to call you a cab?"

"Why I'm as tober as a surtle," Pete replies and hobbles out into the night. About 30 minutes later, Pete stumbles through the side door of the bar, ambles up to Maria and says, "I'll have a Rum and Coke, please" (because, even drunk, Pete is always polite ;) ). Maria pulls Chad (who has been hitting on her all night long) off of her and repeats her mantra about excessive drunkeness. Pete trips his way out the door again.

About 15 minutes later, Pete crawls in the back door of the pub, hoists himself up on a bar stool and proclaims in a loud voice to Maria (who is now there alone, because the bar is now otherwise empty of patrons) "I'LL HAVE A ROUND OF SCREWDRIVERS FOR ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS HERE!!!"

Maria is now quite concerned (and a bit agitated), so she picks up the telly and says, "look- I'm either calling you a cab, or I'm calling the police- your call, mister!"

To which Pete replies, (you ready, here comes the awful punch line)...
"Good gawrsh, lady- how many bars do you work at around here!?!"

Whew, that's a lot of typing. I haven't done that much since the election! Sorry for the lame joke.

Pete "I've fallen- and I can't reach my beer!" Hanlin

[Darris Chambless]

Step aside you pathetic amateurs ;-)

One day Pete walks into a bar (which he seems very prone to do in these postings. It sounds like a good time for an intervention I think.) Anyway...

Pete sits down at the bar, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a miniature piano and sets it on the bar. Pete then reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a ten inch tall gentleman wearing a tux with tails who commences to sit and play the most beautiful music on the piano. Pete orders a drink and begins to cry almost uncontrollably (he's very sensitive ;-)

The bartender walks over to Pete and asks "Why are you crying? That's gotta be the greatest thing I've ever seen!" When Pete calms down a little the bartender asks where he got him?

Pete says "Outside, across the street there is a huge oak tree and under the tree sits a Genie. Ask him to grant you a wish and he will, but I wouldn't recommend it."

The bartender in his excitement did not heed Pete's last statement and ran out of the bar and across the street. Under the oak tree sat a rather strangely dressed gentleman whom the bartender approached. "Are you the Genie?" he asked. The Genie replied "Wha...!?!" The bartender then wished for a million bucks. The Genie looked at him and said "Oh! Okay. No problem."

The ground began to shake, the sky turned dark with clouds. A hole opened in the clouds and out flew a million ducks. Duck poop was falling everywhere and the sound of quacking was deafening.

The bartender in disgust called the Genie a fraud and went back to the bar. Once back behind the bar the bartender looked at Pete and said "Either that Genie is an idiot or he's deaf?"

Pete looked up at the bartender and said "I warned you before you left that I wouldn't recommend getting a wish from him. Do you think I actually wished for a TEN INCH PIANIST!?!"

Darris "Can I get a Hurumph!?!" C.

PS. Pete? We've all called you here because we care about you very much, some of us more than others (some three and four times a day :-). (Sniffle) This is so hard to do but we have to. Pete? You're drinking has gotten a little out of control...Don't be in denial about it. All we ask is that you get help. You're among friends here and we are here for you :-)

[This message has been edited by Darris Chambless (edited 01-10-2001).]

[Pete Hanlin]

Everyone in the office has been wondering why the bottle of "acetone" in my office doesn't work on PAL markings! Look, I only need two shots to get through the morning, one for lunch, and one more in the afternoon (I'm pretty mellow by then ;) )- plus one shot per client that I work with...

If that's a drinking problem, then what's this world coming to??? I mean, it's not like I can't quit anytime I want! Plus, I get to maintain this nice yellow glow to my skin and eyes...

Pete "I'm fine, everyone else has the problem" Hanlin

Public Service Announcement- I realize alcoholism ruins families- which is why I don't really drink all that often (but on the rare occasions that I do... ). If you do have a problem with alcohol and/or narcotics, please seek professional help- otherwise, enjoy the posts... :)

[Maria]

Darris's joke is not approved, because I wasn't even in it. Go back and change it, and I insist on a speaking role.

[Darris Chambless]

Okay Maria,

Sorry for that. Here ya go:

Maria walks into a bar. Under her right arm she is carrying a dead, homicidal, gay Alligator. Under the left she is carrying schitzofrenic, transmogrified nun with a pyromania problem and a thirst for thrills. Maria walks up to the bartender and says...(This section of the joke is for mature audiences only and must be sensored for the protect of Americas youth. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause and ask that you understand our position as we are only here to protect the young and innocent from the vile retched filth being spewed from this pit of devil worshipping vermin. May you all burn in Hades for your hedonistic ways. SINNERS!!!! This house is now clear.)

Hehe. :-)

Take care all and I'll leave a light on for you.

Darris "Bodette"

[Steve Machol]

On a train from London to Manchester, the American Pete was telling off the
Englishwoman Maria sitting across from him in the compartment.

"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, some Polish blood, a little Indian blood, and even some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

Maria simply said, "Very sporting of your mother."

------------------

OptiBoard Administrator

[John R]

Originally posted by Steve Machol:
On a train from London to Manchester,

How did you manage to get a train :D :D
they are like rocking horse "sugar" at the moment. You are lucky if it is late most just dont run..
Or maybe they been on it since christmas.........

[Maria]

*******Warning! This joke is quite sick if your grandparents died of anything other than natural causes. So be warned.*******

Pete and Maria were discussing death one night in the pub. The conversation turned turned to the best way to die.
"I would like to die in a nursing home, with all my family around me" said Pete.
"I would like to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather did", said Maria, "not terrified and screaming, like everyone else in the car."

You were warned.

[hcjilson]

PETE'S FRUITCAKE RECIPE!

>>1 cup water
>>1 cup sugar
>>4 large eggs
>>2 cups dried fruit
>>1 teaspoon baking soda
>>1 teaspoon salt
>>1 cup brown sugar
>>lemon juice
>>nuts
>>1 gallon whiskey
>>
>>Sample the whiskey to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the
>>whiskey again
>>to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink.
>>Repeat. Turn on the
>>electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl. Add 1
>>teaspoon sugar and beat
>>again. Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off
>>mixer. Break 2 legs
>>and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the
>>turner. If the fried
>>druit gets
>>stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with adrewscriver. Sample the
>>whiskey to check for
>>tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check
>>the whiskey.
>>Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of
>>sugar or
>>something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.Turn the cake tin to
>>350 degrees.
>>Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window.
>>Check the
>>whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

I tried making this the night before Xmas and I just woke up!

------------------
Harry J

[karen]

that was VERY funny!!!

[Night Train]

Once there were two
young brothers,Pete and his bother Kenny... at the time, 7 and 9. Whatever went wrong in
the neighborhood, it turned out they had a hand in it.Their parents, Mr and Mrs Hanlin
were at wits end trying to control them.Hearing about a Priest nearby
who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to her husband
that she would ask the Priest to talk with the boys and he gladly
agreed.The Priest said he wanted to see the younger boy,Pete first and
alone. So the mother sent the younger to the
Priest.The Priest sat Pete down across his HUGE, impressive
desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each
other.Finally, the Priest pointed his bony forefinger at young Pete and asked, "Young man, where is God?"The boy looked
under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, shrugged his
shoulders and said nothing.Again, louder, the Priest shook his finger
at him and asked, "Where is God?" Again, young Pete looked
all around, squirmed in his seat, but said nothing.A third
time, in a louder, firmer voice, the Priest leaned far across the desk and
put his forefinger almost to Pete's nose, and asked, "Young man, I
ask you, where is God?"Well...Pete panicked, jumped up, and ran all
the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him
upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted
their mischief.He finally said, "We're in B-I-I-I-G
trouble."The older brother asked, "What do you mean, 'BIG
trouble?'"His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in BIG
trouble. God is missing! And they think WE did it!!"