So whats your best joke...? and no comments about CE
So whats your best joke...? and no comments about CE
to get everyone going, here is one to cheer up the Canadians...
Believe it or not...this is the transcript of an actual radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. The Radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on Oct. 10, 1995.
US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.
CND reply:</FONT> Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.
CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!
US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA*, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!! CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
I have more faith in our military every day that passes.Originally Posted by QDO1
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of Anal Glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
He asks: "What the hell is Anal Glaucoma?"
She responds: "I can't see my A$$ coming into work today."
The ninety-year-old man was in court. The Charges? Assault with a dead weapon. But he was aquitted because the evidence wouldn't stand up in court.
...Just ask me...
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."
None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.
"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"
And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."
The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Please read all!5.Bear left onto the highway toward "Terminal East Parking" - follow for0.3miles
1.Start at LondonHeathrowAirport.
2.Catch flight from London Heathrow to DallasFort WorthAirport.
3.Hire car at DallasFort WorthAirport.
4.Start going toward the "Airport Exit" on "International Parkway South" follow for 0.2 miles.
6.Bear left onto "International Parkway North" toward "North AirportExit" -follow for 2.9 miles
7.Take the "Highway 114 west" exit toward "Fort Worth" - follow for 29.2miles
8.Then continue on "US287 north" - follow for 91.1 miles
9."US287 north" becomes "Interstate-44 east" - follow for 0.7 miles
10.Take left fork onto "US-287 north" toward "Vernon" - follow for 104.0 miles
11."US 287 north" becomes "Avenue F (US-287)" - follow for 2.8 miles
12.Continue to follow "US287 north" - follow for 104.9 miles
13.Take left ramp onto "Interstate 40 west" toward "Dumas" - follow for 7.8 miles
14.Take "Exit 70" onto "US 60 east" toward "Dumas" - follow for 0.5 miles
15.Take the "Buchanan Street" exit toward "Dumas/Pampa" - follow for 1.7 miles
16.Turn right onto "Old Route 66 (Interstate 40)" - follow for 0.1 miles
17.Arrive at the centre of town.
please scroll down
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Now that's the fu#&ing way to Amarillo!
SO CAN EVERYONE STOP SINGING IT NOW . . . . .
This guy was waiting in the doctor's surgery after having some tests done. The doctor returned from the laboratory and said:
"There's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have brain tumor that not even our best expert can operate on. The good news is that this surgery has just received a license to do a new brain transplant procedure that's never been tried before."
Luckily for the patient there had just been an road accident nearby, where unfortunately a young couple had been killed.
The doctor said, "You can have either the man's brain or the woman's brain. The man's brain is $1,000,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."
The guy couldn't help asking why there was such a big difference in price between the male and female brain.
The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In six months I
am going to make it rain until the whole world is
covered with water and all the evil things are
destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and
two of every living thing on the planet. I am
ordering you to build an ark." And, in a flash of
lightning, he delivered the specifications for the
ark. "OK," Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling
with the blueprints, "I'm your man."
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and
the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked
down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and
there was no ark.
"Noah!" shouted the Lord, "Where is My ark?" A
lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside
Noah.
"Lord, please forgive me!" begged Noah. "I did my
best, but there were some big problems. First, I had
to get a building permit for the ark's construction,
but Your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to
hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a
long argument with him about whether to include a
sprinkler system.
"My neighbors objected, claiming that I was
violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my
front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for
the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to
save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists and the U.S. Fish and Wildlife
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls, but
they wouldn't let me catch them, so no owls.
"Next, I started gathering up the animals but got
sued by an animal rights group that objected to me
taking along only two of each kind.
"Just when the suit got dismissed, the EPA
notified me that I couldn't complete the ark without
filling out an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood. They didn't take kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the Supreme Being.
Then, the Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the
proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
"Right now, I'm still trying to resolve a
complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission over
how many minorities I'm supposed to hire. The IRS has
seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to
leave the country, and I just got a notice from the
state that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I
don't think I can finish the ark in less than five
years."
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to
shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky. Noah
looked up and smiled. "You mean you are not going to
destroy the world?" he asked hopefully.
"No," said the Lord. "The government already has."
Just wrong
Last edited by Mikef; 11-01-2005 at 09:52 PM.
so funnyOriginally Posted by Mikef
A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloody restaurant towels.
The man had his around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head.
They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner.
Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to man.
While in act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on the man’s membrane and wrench it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go…:p
A drunk man called staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said they would come out half way, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He has been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea.:bbg:
Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.(American Legion magazine)
Old one: A Methodist minister, an Episcopalean priest, and a Rabbi were discussing how they handled the Offering. The Methodist "I draw a circle, throw the money in the air, and what falls outside the circle is mine, and what stays inside is the Lord's".
The Episcopalean, "I too draw a circle, but what falls outside is the Lord's"
The Rabbi, "I throw the money in the air, and what He wants, He keeps"
OK Ok, too old to tell..............
Creationism or Evolution?
One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books-- the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species.
In surprise, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books"?
"Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper, or my keeper's brother."
Scientists and God
One day a group of Darwinian scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one Darwinian to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.
The Darwinian walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don't you just go on and get lost."
God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the Darwinian was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the Darwinian happily agreed.
God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."
The Darwinian said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.
God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!!!!"
A delegation from the UN were flying over the pacific when the captain announces that they have engine trouble, and despite jettisoning all the luggage the plane is too heavy and 3 of there number will have to jump off the plane so the rest can survive.
There is great discussion till suddenly the French delegate rises to his feet and
shouts:
"vive Le France" before leaping out of the plane
The English delegate jumps to his feet and shouts
"God save the Queen" before he jumps out
Finally the delagate from Texas leaps to his feet yelling
"Remember the Alamo ! " then he throws the Mexican delagate out of the plane.:)
To find out what,s happening in the UK optical market:
http://theOptom.com
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