Favorite Jokes

[SergeTrigger]

Once upon a time there was a man who stole a turnip from the king's garden, the punishment for which was death.
But the people of the kingdom loved this man and begged the King to show him mercy, for he was merely hungry.

So, the king declared that if the man could complete three tasks for the king, the man would be spared execution.
The first task: the King had a barrel of wine that was too good to throw away but not good enough to serve to his guests and he commanded the man to drink the barrel of wine
The second task: the kings pet lion had a bad tooth, and the man needed to go into its cage and pull the tooth
the third and final task: the king had a very ugly daughter, and he needed the man to lie with her and give her an orgasm.

The man agrees to these challenges. First, he drinks the barrel of wine without issue, although it does make him feel a little woozy. He is immediately whisked away to the lion's cage for the second task. Over the course of a few hours the guards stationed outside hear a cacophony of noises as the man wrestles with the lion attempting to complete the task.

Finally, the man emerges from the cage triumphantly and says "OK! Now where's the princess with the bad tooth?"

[Robert Martellaro]

Why don't ducks fly upside down?

'Cause they'd quack up.​

[optical24/7]

I picked up a hitchhiker the other day. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks, but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".
I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

[Robert Martellaro]

Comedy Central and Paramount+ (Mondays only). Political satire and news just got a huge bump.

At his best on the old show.

[Robert Martellaro]

[Lenspricer]

Why did the smartphone go to the optometrist? Because it lost its contacts.

Why did the computer start wearing glasses after shopping for contact lenses online? It couldn't handle the site without proper 'screening'.

[Robert Martellaro]

Turkeys Away!

[optical24/7]

I've been to a lot of places, but l've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however been in Sane. They don't have an airport, you have to be driven there. I have made several trips.

[Robert Martellaro]

Ah Ha! That’s where my spinning chore choser is! I’ve been working my rear off around the house since you took it! I’m gonna frisk your pockets the next time you come over!:stomp:

Didn't think ya needed it since you're back home on the farm now, tiling' and plantin' and such. BTW, don't even bother looking inside your wine cooler fridge.

[optical24/7]

Ah Ha! That’s where my spinning chore choser is! I’ve been working my rear off around the house since you took it! I’m gonna frisk your pockets the next time you come over!:stomp:

[Robert Martellaro]

[Robert Martellaro]

I still can't get over the fact that the word "gullible" turned upside down looks just like a cat.

[Robert Martellaro]

And now, be honest……how many of you sang the last line…

Guilty. Here's another groaner.
_________________________________________________

The "Duck" gang robbed the same bank a week later.

How'd they do it?

They quacked the safe.

[optical24/7]

And now, be honest……how many of you sang the last line…

[optical24/7]

This is really a bad joke….that’s why I like it!…..

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says $30,000.
The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"