Favorite Jokes

[Wes]

Know why the Jonestown Massacre wasn't funny?

The punchline was too long...

[obxeyeguy]

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, ten, sometimes 15 minutes late, but he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "older person-friendly" policies.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally,he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss, and I'm working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the armed forces. What did they say when you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'"

[rinselberg]

A joke that the late Irish comic Dave Allen used to tell. Of course it was much better when he told it with his stage Irish accent..

When Harry died, he was cremated. His wife Emma kept the urn with his ashes on the mantelpiece. Emma became friends with John, who visited her regularly. John was a smoker, and since Emma never put out an ashtray, John would wait until Emma left the room for a moment and then sneakily use the urn containing Harry's ashes to stub out his cigarettes.

One day Emma lifted the urn to dust underneath it and noticed that it was noticeably heavier than before and was almost overflowing. She was so startled she blurted out: "Harry, you old devil, you've been puttin' on weight!"


RadioFreeRinsel comes to the defense of the American free market capitalist system:
http://www.optiboard.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34603

[DragonLensmanWV]

Drat! I meant to post this last week.


What's green and has an a**ho** every three feet?












A St. Patrick's Day parade!:D:D

[Pete Hanlin]

Hear about the optician in West Virginia who got his hand caught in his edger?
He made a real spectacle out of himself!

(Yeah, I know... but as a Pennsylvanian I feel the need to help in the anti-Mountaineer effort.) :)

What do you call the sweat generated by people making love in West Virginia?
Relative humidity.

[GAgal]

My favorite College Football Jokes

Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?

You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.


A Georgia fan and a Tennessee fan, fighting side-by-side were captured during World War II and sentenced to die by firing squad. The enemy commander asked the Tennessee fan if he had any last requests. The Vol said, “I want to hear Rocky Top one last time.” The GA fan was then asked if he had any last requests. “Yes, shoot me first!”

[GAgal]

You know your from GA when

1. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday
2. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day
3. You carry jumper cables in your car…for your OWN car.
4. A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop…it’s a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: “What kinda coke you want?” Sprite
5. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as off to “Wally World”.
6. Sweet tea is THE DRINK...no questions, no exceptions.
7. You know the plural of y'all is all y'all
8. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies
9. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and buggies
10. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply
11. When a single snowflake falls, the entire state shuts down, even if it doesn't stick. The radio and TV news will make snowstorm reports every 10 minutes and the grocery store will be completely sold out of bread, milk, bottled water and toilet paper.
12. You know at least one Bubba, and maybe a few guys named Bo
13. Braves=good. Yankees=bad.
14. If you’ve ever used "The Big Chicken" as a basis for directions.
15. You know the difference between a hillbilly, a redneck, and a Southerner.
16. You can properly pronounce Chickamauga, DeKalb, Dahlonega, Valdosta, Okefenokee, and La Fayette.
17. Your last words might be, "Y'all watch this."
18. You aren't surprised to find movie rentals, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store
19. you can tell another Georgian is from north, south or middle Georgia as soon as they open their mouth.
20. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are
    

[DragonLensmanWV]

Hear about the optician in West Virginia who got his hand caught in his edger?
He made a real spectacle out of himself!

(Yeah, I know... but as a Pennsylvanian I feel the need to help in the anti-Mountaineer effort.) :)

What do you call the sweat generated by people making love in West Virginia?
Relative humidity.

Of course, us WV Opticians do it spectacularly!:D

What do you call the sweat between Dolly Parton's boobs?

Mountain dew.


What has 28 feet and three teeth?
The front row at a Pennsylvania concert!:D

[Pete Hanlin]

You know you're from West Virginia when...

"He just needed killin'!" is considered a legitimate defense.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper...
Your idea of "loadin the dishwasher" is giving your wife a 6-pack.
You're chewing on a toothpick in your wedding photo!


Q: What does a tornado and a divorce in WV have in common?
A: Someone always loses a trailer!

Q: How do you know the toothbrush was invented in WV?
A: If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush!


A West Virginian walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The West Virginian is suitably impressed, and buys it. The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the West Virginian says, "What's that noise?"


Seriously though... Would the fine folks of WV please accept Pittsburgh as a gift from Pennsylvania?!? :)

[DragonLensmanWV]

Man! You took all my Pennsylvania jokes and made 'em into WV jokes.

Everyone just remember to take WV and change it back to PA like they were originally.:D:D

[bob_f_aboc]

I've heard it told that HarryChilling has a few pretty good jokes.

Maybe he will grace us with his presence.

[Dave Nelson]

A WEST VIRGINIAN and a PENNSYLVANIAN meet at the docks, each clutching an advertisment that reads:

"Round-the-World Cruise, just $100."

They board an old steamer, the ship leaves the dock, then, just as it leaves the harbour, the ships crew clubs them both over the head, takes their wallets, then tosses them overboard.

Floating in the water, the Pennsylvanian, holding his sore head says:
"I wonder if they serve meals on this cruise?"
The West Virginian, also holding his sore head, says "well...they didn't last year."

[Now I See]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?


















"R" :D

[HarryChiling]

I've heard it told that HarryChilling has a few pretty good jokes.

Maybe he will grace us with his presence.

Ok but if my wife reads this and I get into trouble again it's your butt I'm after.

[spoiler=Dirty Joke]So I'm having sex with my wife the other day and she turns to me and says,/n "Honey put it in the other hole"./n Then I said,/n "but what if you get pregnant".[/spoiler]

[DragonLensmanWV]

http://www.ahajokes.com/pennsylvania_jokes.html

And take that!

http://www.ahajokes.com/north_carolina_jokes.html

And that!

http://www.ahajokes.com/texas_jokes.html

And these!

http://www.ahajokes.com/georgia_jokes.html

And those!

http://www.ahajokes.com/ethnic42.html

:D:D:cheers::cheers: