Favorite Jokes

[optical24/7]

another one....WalMart greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Walmart .... Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you ever got laid twice!"

[k12311997]

Nascar Humor

What is the worst thing about 5 Jeff Gordan fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo...................
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A Monte Carlo seats six.

(yiou can groan now)

[DragonLensmanWV]

What is the worst thing about 5 Jeff Gordan fans going over a cliff in a Monte Carlo...................
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.
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A Monte Carlo seats six.

(yiou can groan now)

You could also use the punch line there from the
"What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?" joke. That fits also.:D:D

[k12311997]

A women's guid to men

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

[Sean]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[k12311997]

one west virginian says to another

"if I go to your house and make love to your wife and she gets pregnant does that make us kin"

the other thinks for a moment and replies

"I don't know if that would make us kin, but it would make us even"

[DragonLensmanWV]

Young Pennsylvania girl goes and gets married. Off she goes with her new hubby in their pickup truck. An hour later her family can hear a truck approaching at breakneck speed up the holler. It's the new hubby with the wife in the bed of the truck with the husband's daddy. As they drive by the father-in-law throws the girl out into the yard hollerin' "She's a virgin! If she ain't good enough for your family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

[k12311997]

Young Pennsylvania girl goes and gets married to a man from West Virginia. Off she goes with her new hubby in their pickup truck. An hour later her family can hear a truck approaching at breakneck speed up the holler. It's the new hubby with the wife in the bed of the truck with the husband's daddy. As they drive by the father-in-law throws the girl out into the yard hollerin' "She's a virgin! If she ain't good enough for your family, she ain't good enough for ours!"

you forgot part of the joke:D

[Sean]

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the
questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

[abocandy]

pay chek

Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

You get a paycheck??

[obxeyeguy]

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. " Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"

The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"

She says , "No, I am from Africa !"

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"

[chip anderson]

OBeye:

The only problem with this is I have never met anyone who identified themselves as Mexican, including my sister-in-law. They are all Chicano, Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or the flavour of the month but never Mexican.

I have come to think that all the illegals (wet-backs) in the U.S. aren't really Mexicans.

Chip

[Stormy]

OBeye:

The only problem with this is I have never met anyone who identified themselves as Mexican, including my sister-in-law. They are all Chicano, Latino, Hispanic, Spanish or the flavour of the month but never Mexican.

I have come to think that all the illegals (wet-backs) in the U.S. aren't really Mexicans.

Chip

Funny(not ha ha) you should say so.It does seem that if you refer to a person as a Mexican it is viewed as derogatory.

[Stormy]

Funny food for thought

1.How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

2, If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

3.What was the best thing before sliced bread?

4.How is it possible to have a civil war?

5. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

6.If a person with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself,is this considered a hostage situation?

[obxeyeguy]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.


At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.


He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:


1)Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2)There are 10 commandments, not 12.


3)There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4)Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.


5)Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.


6)We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7)The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.


8)David slew Goliath; he did not kick the **** out of him.


9)When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.


10)We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".


12)The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry"..


13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.


14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.