Favorite Jokes

[Fezz]

This one sucks, but here goes.

Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

[HarryChiling]

Groan

[Sean]

Two men went hunting. Joe had been hunting all his life, but Steve was hunting for the first time. Joe told Steve to sit down and not make a sound. So he did.
But when Joe got 100 yards away, he heard a scream. "I thought I told you to be quiet!" he said.
"Well, I was when the snake bit me," said Steve. "And I was when the bear attacked me... but when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant leg and said, 'Should we eat them or take them with us,' I screamed."

[DragonLensmanWV]

Two morons went hunting and managed to bag a big buck. They were dragging it back to their truck by the hind legs and were having difficulty because the rack kept getting stuck in the underbrush. Another hunter watched them for a bit then said to them. "You know, you should drag that deer by the antlers instead of the back feet, they act as natural handles."
The morons slapped their foreheads in disgust and grabbed the antlers and off they went.
"This is working real good!" said one.
"Yeah, but look how far away from the truck we're getting."

[Sean]

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.
"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"
"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."
"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.
"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[Johns]

Sean, Thanks!! I get chapped lips all the time. (Well not for long...):cheers:

[DragonLensmanWV]

Two guys were digging a ditch while a third guy watched and supervised.
After awhile, one of the guys in the ditch says to the other, "Say, why are we digging and he's supervising?He should come and help us!" The other guy say,"I'll go and ask him!"
So he goeas and asks the supervisor why he's not helping them dig. The supervisor says, "That's because I have intelligence."
"Intelligence? What's that?" asked the digger.
So the supervisor walks over to a tree, puts his hand on the side of the tree and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can." The digger winds up and smashes a mighty blow, but the supervisor quickly removes his hand and the digger smashes his hand against the tree.

"Oh, I see now - that's intelligence." says the digger. And he goes back into the ditch and his fellow worker asks him, " Did you find out what he's doing up there?" The digger says, "Because he's got intelligence!"
"Intelligence? What's that?"
So the digger gets a sly grin on his face, puts his hand in front of his face and says, "Here, hit my hand as hard as you can."

[nsg]

you forgot 'pick up that shovel and hit my hand " great joke

[Sean]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:

[Jedi]

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"
One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?" :shiner:

That's cheaper than a date.:D

[Snitgirl]

Car Troubl

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Cindy K]

The Blonde and the Sailor

One night on his way to his ship a sailor comes across a beautiful young lady, sitting on the dock crying her eyes out. He stops, asks her what the matter is, and she tearfully exclaims that she just wants to end her miserable life; she lost her job, her boyfriend dumped her, and her ex husband cleaned out her bank account. He comforts her with a hug and suggests that she accompany him on his ship which is sailing to Hawaii. All she must do is stay below deck in his quarters and he would supply her with food and drink for the entire trip in exchange for having a warm body to lay next to each night. She thinks about this proposition for a moment, and then gratefully accepts his offer, thinking that a new start in a beautiful tropical locale would be better than ending it all.

So for two weeks he supplies her with three meals each day, wine, chocolate, and each night he has the pleasure of getting into a warm bed with a beautiful girl waiting for him.

Then, the captain of the ship happens to be below deck one day checking out a noise one of the other crew members heard and happens across this lady in the crewman's quarters. She explains her situation and how she came to be on the ship and asks how much longer the trip to Hawaii would take as she'd be getting off the ship there and starting her new life.

The captain replies, " Well I dunno how long it would take to sail to Hawaii but this is the Queen of Surrey ferry which runs between Vancouver Island and the mainland, and we'll be in Vancouver in an hour!"

[Sean]

Q: Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?


A: Because if it had four it would be a sedan! :o

[Sean]

Barnyard Poem

The sky was dark
The moon was high
We were alone
Just she and I
Her hair was brown
Her eyes were too
I knew just what
She wanted to do
So with my courage
I did my best
And placed my hand
Upon her breast
I trembled and shook
And felt her heart
Slowly she spread
Her legs apart
I knew she was ready
But I didn't know how
It was my first try
At milking a cow

[DragonLensmanWV]

I have an old Italian friend that used to run a nearby bakery and we loved to exchange Italian jokes. Here's a few of our favorites:
Definitions:
Bigamist ..... A big fog over in Italy

Speciman .... An Italian astronaut.


Innuendo .....An Italian suppository.