Three-legged dog walks into a saloon, says, "I'm lookin' fer the low-down varmint that shot my paw."
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Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
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A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
"Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
"Um, no," mumbled the director.
"Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology.
"Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."
"So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"Comment
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Why do you never see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.Comment
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Just to prove we can take a joke down here......
A Texas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says
to the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
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Two Texans are walking toward each other and one is carrying a sack.
One says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?"
"Jes, some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if you guesses right I'll give ya both of 'em."
"Ummmmmm....five?"
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A Texan came home and found his house on fire.
He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr."
"OK," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"
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Why do folks in Texas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?
Because they heard that 17 and under aren't admitted.
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Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked. "Can you spell that for me?"
After a long pause Bubba said. "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
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Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Texas to 32?
They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
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What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas?
Documentaries.
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Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Texas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
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A new law was recently passed in Texas so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.
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What do a divorce in Texas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer.
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I love this one.
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."If taking vitamins doesn't keep you healthy enough, try more laughter: The most wasted of all days is that on which one has not laughed. Professional letter writer and awesome brother who studies ophthalmology. :nerd:Comment
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When you're 70, who cares?
I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.
This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"
She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".
I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."
Cost me 6 stitches...but,
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you’re seventy...............who cares?
I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
When you’re seventy...............who cares?Comment
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Telemarketers
Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 07-30-2018, 03:45 PM.Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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The ice fisherman had just started cutting a hole in the ice when a booming voice sounded, " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" After looking all around and seeing no one the fisherman again started cutting his hole and the voice again boomed " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!". Five minutes passed until the ice fisherman became convinced that he had heard an echo or some other naturally explained phenomena. He again started to cut his hole in the ice when the voice boomed " GET OFF THE ICE RINK !! "Comment
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Failed ophthalmic pick-up line
Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 11-23-2018, 03:06 PM.Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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I was at the bar Sunday, watching the Super Bowl when I heard a British accent. It was a couple of ladies talking, so I asked them, "Are you gals from Britain?"
One of them said, " It's Wales!"
SO I said, " Ok, are you whales from Britain?"
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The drivers says, " Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The lady storms off to the back of the bus. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, " That bus driver just insulted me!". The man says, "You should go and give him a good telling off. I'll hold your monkey for you"...
I'm on a whiskey diet....I've lost 3 days already!
My mother in law fell down a wishing well. I never knew they really work...Comment
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A guy walks into the store and slams a fistfull of cash on the counter. "I want to buy a guitar!" he exclaims. "I'm tired of the guitarist getting all the glory, all the attention, and all the girls. This is bullcrap. I'm sick of being overlooked and taken for granted. I want to buy a guitar."
The man behind the counter calmly replies, "You're a drummer, right?"
The guy blinks and says, "Yeah! How did you know?"
"This is a liquor store, man."I'm Andrew Hamm and I approve this message.Comment
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We used to take notes during those late night elbow bending sessions just for that reason!Originally posted by optical24/7 View Post
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It was so cold last week that I saw the mayor walking down the street with her hands in her own pockets.
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Economics 101
PREMISE: You have two cows.
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
... The State takes both and sells you some milk
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then
throws the milk away
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy
grows.
You sell them and retire on the income
VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by
your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why
the cow has dropped dead.
A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds,
dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You still only have two cows.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three
cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce
twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and
market it worldwide.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows,
but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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Retro interior trim option now available for the 2019 Honda Passport.
Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 06-28-2020, 07:23 AM.Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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Two dyslexics are in the kitchen. One says to the other, "Can you smell gas?"
The other replies, "I can't even smell my own name."Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman
Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.
Comment
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