Favorite Jokes

[Johns]

That potato joke got a laugh from both my wife (not a big deal) AND my son. (He's a teenager...BIG deal).

They both said, "That's a typical John/Dad joke".

[sjoseph51]

It's 1762 or 1761...then try it.

[manoj_verma]

A speeding bus-load of politicians hit a tree on the roadside,and all the passengers died.
A farmer saw the accident ,dug a hole and buried them all.
After a few days,A Policeman came and asked the farmer wheather he had seen the accident and if he knew where the politicians had gone ?The Farmer replied,'Yes,I saw the accident,and all the politicians had died and I burried them.'
The Policeman asked,'Were all of them dead '?
The Farmer replied,'Some of them said they were alive,but you know how these politicians are,never tell the truth,I buried them all '

[optilady1]

The cow story

DEMOCRATIC- You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICANISM- You have 2 cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST-You have 2 cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow

COMMUNIST- You have 2 cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE- You have 2 cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE- You have 2 cows. Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2^nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of 4 cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20 times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows, but you don’t know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. You have some vodka. You count them and learn you have 5 cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION- You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are 2. You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION- You have 2 cows. They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.

POLISH CORPORATION- You have 2 bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

BELGIAN CORPORATION- You have 1 cow. The cow is schizophrenic. Sometimes the cow thinks she’s French, other times she’s Flemish. The
Flemish cow won’t share with the French cow. The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow’s milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half. The cow dies happy.

FLORIDA CORPORATION- You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the better looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one better accidentally vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the better looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION- You have millions of cows. They make real California cheese. Only 5 speak English. Most are illegal’s. Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.

[optical24/7]

For my Texan friends;


A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand Taliban".


The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, its a trap. There's actually two of them."

[optical24/7]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got
downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves
breakfast until 11:30.


My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you b@$t@rd!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her,
"Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

[optical24/7]

A farmer buys a new rooster to breed with his hens. The young rooster is a stud and immediately gets out to work. He spends the entire day reproducing with every single chicken on the farm and gets so into it he ends up doing some of the ducks too. The farmed is surprised to see such a robust and active rooster. Then the next day the rooster is laying flat on the ground, motionless, and the farmer goes "Poor feller's tiny heart couldn't handle all that action in one day." Then the rooster opens one eye and says to the farmer "Hush, I'm trying to lure in the vultures..."

[optical24/7]

How do actors do crying scenes?

[becc971]

(P+L)(A+N) = PA+PN+LA+LN


I just foiled your plan.


as a former math tutor i found that WAYYYY too funny when i first saw it :)

[optical24/7]

Three blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would've seen it.....


What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? "Omg, donut seeds!"


Two blondes fell down a hole. One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?" The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."


Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?
A: She can't find the eleven.



A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took him behind a building, and told him, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[optical24/7]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[Fezz]

Why don't blind people sky dive?


Its scares the hell out of the dog..

[Fezz]

Speaking of dogs........


What do you call a dog with no legs?




Doesn't matter, he's not going to come to you anyway!

[Johns]

Speaking of dogs........


What do you call a dog with no legs?

When I lived in Korea, they called it dinner!

[Johns]

How about a toast to the awesome guy they started this thread?

We love (and miss) you Mark!