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    Funny stuff. Anymore blonde jokes?

    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.


    Comment


      What do you feed a gay horse?













      Haaaaaaa-aaayyyyyy!
      Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA

      “As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein

      Comment


        A drunk, a priest and a pedophile walk into a bar.
        He orders a drink.
        Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA

        “As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein

        Comment


          Wife is in front of her bathroom mirror and husband walks in. She exclaims, "I wish my breasts were bigger."
          He says, "rub some toilet paper between them every day for a few years."
          She looks puzzled, the asks "why?"

          "worked for your *** didn't it?"

          Comment


            Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?


            She had mittens!

            Comment


              Sign above the urinal in a dive bar

              PLEASE DO NOT THROW TOOTHPICKS IN THE URINAL...THE CRABS KNOW HOW TO POLE VAULT.

              Comment


                What do you feed a gay horse?











                HAAAA-aaaayyyyy!
                Wesley S. Scott, MBA, MIS, ABOM, NCLE-AC, LDO - SC & GA

                “As our circle of knowledge expands, so does the circumference of darkness surrounding it.” -Albert Einstein

                Comment


                  A husband and wife were having their first born child. When they got into the delivery room the Dr. proposed them with a method of pain management. He said,
                  "We have a new machine now that will allow the mother to share the pain with the father. Thus, relieving some of her pain and giving it to the father and making this a more team experience. Would you be interested in trying this?"
                  To which the husband replied, "Absolutely! Anything I can help to make this experience for her easier, I will do it."

                  They hooked a machine up to the mother, and started the husband off at 20% so it wouldn't be too overwhelming for him. After about 30mins into labor, he is doing great and exclaims that he doesn't feel a thing and asks them to crank it up. They get it up to 50% and watch as the mothers labor increasingly gets easier.

                  After awhile the husband exclaims again, "This is far too easy, I don't feel a thing! I don't know what you women complain about. Hey Doc, crank it up to 100% I can handle this!"

                  They do, and the couple painlessly deliver a healthy baby boy. The delivery went so well the new parents and baby get to go home that afternoon. Upon arrival to their home. They discover the mail man nearly passed out, writhing in pain.


                  :bounce:
                  -"Is this a matter of life or death?"
                  ---"No. this is a seg height."--
                  Seth, and Dalene

                  "In matters of style, swim with the current;
                  In matters of principle, stand like a rock."--
                  Thomas Jefferson

                  Comment


                    Here's one that was my Facebook Statuslast nite. “Hearing that Jesus Loves you is Nice. Unless You arein a Mexican Prison.”

                    Comment


                      Originally posted by kmarshall View Post
                      A husband and wife were having their first born child. When they got into the delivery room the Dr. proposed them with a method of pain management. He said,
                      "We have a new machine now that will allow the mother to share the pain with the father. Thus, relieving some of her pain and giving it to the father and making this a more team experience. Would you be interested in trying this?"
                      To which the husband replied, "Absolutely! Anything I can help to make this experience for her easier, I will do it."

                      They hooked a machine up to the mother, and started the husband off at 20% so it wouldn't be too overwhelming for him. After about 30mins into labor, he is doing great and exclaims that he doesn't feel a thing and asks them to crank it up. They get it up to 50% and watch as the mothers labor increasingly gets easier.

                      After awhile the husband exclaims again, "This is far too easy, I don't feel a thing! I don't know what you women complain about. Hey Doc, crank it up to 100% I can handle this!"

                      They do, and the couple painlessly deliver a healthy baby boy. The delivery went so well the new parents and baby get to go home that afternoon. Upon arrival to their home. They discover the mail man nearly passed out, writhing in pain.


                      :bounce:

                      I love this one. I have told this one many times!

                      Comment


                        Originally posted by optical24/7 View Post
                        new policy in heaven

                        it was getting a little crowded in heaven, so god decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into heaven, you had to have a real bummer of a day when you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

                        The next day at 12:01am, the first person came to the gates of
                        heaven. The angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man, "before i let you in, i need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

                        "no problem," the man said. "i came home to my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as i searched the entire apartment.

                        Just as i was about to give up, i happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, i ran out
                        onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the
                        ground. But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, i went back inside to get the first thing i could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing i thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that i had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

                        the angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the
                        angel announced, "ok, sir. Welcome to the kingdom of heaven," and let him in.

                        A few seconds later the next guy came up. The angel said, "before i can let you in, i need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

                        "no problem," said the second man. "but you're not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so i
                        was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess i got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side!
                        Luckily, i was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course i fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which broke my fall so i didn't die right away. As i'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, i see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

                        the angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "i could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself.

                        "very well," the angel announces. "welcome to the kingdom of heaven," and he lets the man enter.

                        A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says, "please tell me how you died."

                        the third man says, "ok, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a
                        refrigerator......."

                        lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol lol

                        Comment


                          I did this decades ago..

                          I had a nun in as a contact lens patient. The lady was one who used modern contemporary dress. She had a pair of horriblly fitting, beat up scratched up hard contact lenses. I re-edged, polished and more or less re-built them. When I returned them to her eyes she remarked: "This is wonderfull, how much do I owe you."
                          I replied: "There's no charge sister."
                          She insisted on paying and I kept insisting that I would not accept payment. In the end I prevailed and she said: "Allright but you have got to tell me why you are not charging."
                          I told her: "Sister, I noticed that you are wearing a wedding ring. While I am not Catholic I have been told that this is supposed to symbolize that you are married to God. I'll be damned if I'll send your old man a bill."

                          Chip

                          Comment


                            Two babies walk into a bar. One baby turns to the other and says, "Are you getting the feeling we're in the wrong joke?"

                            bahahahahaha!!!!!!!
                            -"Is this a matter of life or death?"
                            ---"No. this is a seg height."--
                            Seth, and Dalene

                            "In matters of style, swim with the current;
                            In matters of principle, stand like a rock."--
                            Thomas Jefferson

                            Comment


                              An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some orange and grapefruit trees.

                              One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been down there for a while, and look it over.

                              He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping.

                              He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him,"we're not coming out until you leave."

                              The old man frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

                              Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



                              Some old men can still think fast.

                              Comment


                                Fill in the punchline...

                                What's new in physics?

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