Favorite Jokes

[optical24/7]

One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[Jaltman]

(spoken in an Irish accent)
O'Malley was standin outside a pub drinking a pint o' ale...a neighbor came by and said "How ya fairin' there O'Malley?"
"Not to well." O'malley replied. "Why not?" said the neighbor. "Well ya see this here road we're standin on?...I built this road and built damn near every road in this county to get people here but do ya think when I go down the street the townspeople say "Hey, There goes O'Malley the road builder?...NO! and do ya see that there house over there?...I built that house and damn near every house in this town...but do ya think when I go down the street the townspeople say "Hey There goes O'Malley the home-builder?...NO! and do ya see that there bridge over there? I engineered that bridge and engineered damn near every bridge in this here county to get people here as well...but when I go down the street do ya think the townspeople say "Hey There goes O'Malley the bridge builder?...NO!!! but ya f**k one goat!!!!"

[chip anderson]

Gee and once you fussed about the Asian Axis joke. Gittin a little free with the discourse ain't we?

[optical24/7]

Gee and once you fussed about the Asian Axis joke. Gittin a little free with the discourse ain't we?

Gee Chip, I'm sorry if I offended you with my "old dog" joke. It really wasn't directed towards you.



















:bbg::cheers::bbg:

[chip anderson]

Nothing offends old Chip. Even when I got axed to remove Robt. E. Lee as an avitar. I have very thick skin, but so many of us lately have been carrying on about how we want's de public to preceive us as dignigfied edumacated professionals. Just supprised at the risque language we are using and implying. You all know I don't mind getting down in the dirt. I ju's sprized at those who would put up a pretentios front gittn down heah with me.

[optical24/7]

From one old Belaire boy to the other, I was jokin' with ya!





:cheers:

[DragonLensmanWV]

What's green and has an *** -hole every three feet?


A St. Patrick's Day parade!

[DragonLensmanWV]

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS....

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is always one more son-of-a-***** than you counted on.
3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they
will stop making it.
4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.
5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious.
17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
before.
19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
27. If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.
28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

[Mizikal]

A sandwich walks into a bar.Bartender says I am sorry we don't serve food here.

[DragonLensmanWV]

1. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and
drive?
2. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
3. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
4. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
5. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
6. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
7. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
8. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
9. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on
the doors?
10. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
11. If nothing sticks to TEFLON, how does the TEFLON stick to the pan?
12. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a
height, what
would happen?
13. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you
turn on the
headlights?
14. You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the
package says, "Open somewhere else"?
15. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
16. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
17. Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a
shipment, but
when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
18. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
19. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
down the volume on the radio?

[DragonLensmanWV]

A bunch of guys usually got together each Thursday night to play cards. The problem was, one of them tended to be a rather bothersome kibitzer. One night, when the kibitzer had excused himself to the bathroom, the others thought up a good plan to cure him of his kibitzing. They decided to just make up a game as they went along so there would be no way he could break in with his kibitzing.
So the guy sits back down after returning from the can and one of the conspirators had shuffled the deck and started dealing the cards, leaving he kibitzer out. He gave the first guy three cards, the second guy got four, the third guy got two whole cards and two cards torn in half while the dealer kept 3 and a half cards. First guy -"I've got a mingle - I'll bet two bucks." Second guy - "I've got a snazzel, I'll raise you one." The kibitzer is starting to tremble as he watches. Third guy - "I've only got a gringle -I'm out!" The kibitzer twitches a bit more. Dealer - "I've got a farfel, I'm all in!" The kibitzer explodes "You idiot! You can't beat a mingle and a snazzel with a lousy farfel!"

[optical24/7]

This is too funny!

[cleyes]

As an Akita owner I found this hysterical, this old dog is typical.....they do talk!

[DragonLensmanWV]

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening, stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. "Who the hell are you?", demanded Dave, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?" The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter." Dave was stunned. "You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. You've got to send me back straight away." St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad," replied Dave, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode." "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never," replied Dave. "Well just relax and let it happen." And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was over- whelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ... Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... "Dave, wake up, you drunken *******. You've crapped the bed!"

[DragonLensmanWV]

And here are the winners of this year's Washington Post's Mensa Invitational,

which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter

it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new

definition (seems like the first four have been seen before):



1. Cashtration (n): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject

financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.



2. Ignoranus (n): A person who is both stupid and an *******.



3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.



4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.



5. Bozone (n): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright

ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little

sign

of breaking down in the near future.



6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting

laid.



7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.



8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who

doesn't get it.



9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit)



11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really

bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a

serious bummer.



12. Decafalon: The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only

thing that are good for you.



13. Glibido: All talk and no action.



14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they

come at you rapidly.



15. Arachnoleptic Fit: The frantic dance performed just after you've

accidentally walked through a spider web.



16. Beelzebug: Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom

at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



17. Caterpallor: The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit

you you're eating.



The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly

contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common

words. And those the winners are:



1. Coffee (n): The person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted (adj): Appalled by discovering how much weight one has

gained.



3. Abdicate (v): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade (v): to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj): Impotent



6. Negligent (adj): Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a

nightgown.



7. Lymph (v): To walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle (n): Olive flavored mouthwash



9. Flatulence (n): Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run

over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n): A rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle (n): A humorous question on an exam



12. Rectitude (n): The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon (n): A Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster (n): A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism (n): the belief that, after death, the soul flies up

onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent (n): An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish

men