Favorite Jokes

[PhotonicGuy]

Another joke with a blonde (with my apologize for all the blondes) is:
There were 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde, 1 brunette and a red-haired. The city where they wanted to go was 20 miles of sea away from the island. The red-haired swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette swam 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!

[PhotonicGuy]

One joke about what the marriage is meaning :

Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence--a life sentence.

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just a having a wife, but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "rings":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-Ring
* The Endu-Ring

[cleyes]

LOTS of misogyny PhotonicGuy!!!!!

[DragonLensmanWV]

THE OJ TRIAL AS TOLD BY DR. SEUSS

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.

I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be

When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.

I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.

Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.

I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would, not, anytime.

And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!

[HarryChiling]

One joke which I found yesterday....

The Less You Know, The More You Make "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

As long as knowledge [latex]\neq[/latex] 0

[PhotonicGuy]

LOTS of misogyny PhotonicGuy!!!!!

maybe misandry....

[PhotonicGuy]

As long as knowledge [latex]\neq[/latex] 0

Good observation! This is an important mathematical condition...

[cleyes]

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to discover
that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a
little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled ‘How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, ‘Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.'

[DragonLensmanWV]

A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.

[k12311997]

A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.

a smart blonde joke?

[optilady1]

A xanthochroid and a physicist were traveling on an airplane. The PHD bragged about his knowledge and said to the xanthochroid, "I'll bet you I can ask you questions you don't know the answer to, and if you don't know the answer, you owe me $5, but if I can't answer one of your questions, I'll give you $50." She agreed, so he asked, "What is the square root of 165934?" She gave him $5. "What is the distance from the sun to Earth?" She gave him $5. "OK, now you get to ask me a question to see if I can answer it." So she thought for a minute, then asked, "What goes up a hill on two legs then comes down the hill on three legs?" The physicist thought furiously, then opened his laptop and searched the web, only to come up empty. "OK," he said, "Here's your $50. What is the answer?" She gave him $5.

This could be a great way for me to make some money. :)

[DragonLensmanWV]

Here's a lot of really good ones - one of my very favorite routines!

Warning-not every joke is clean.

[DragonLensmanWV]

[DragonLensmanWV]

A guy goes into a bar and sits down beside a friend. He turns to the friend and says, "I have a good blonde joke for you!" At that point the bartender interrupts him and says,"I'm the one making your drinks -good or bad. And I'm a blonde. See that woman over there? She's got 15 years of martial arts training and she could take you apart, and she's a blonde. See that other woman over there? She's an ex-Marine and can destroy you and she's a blonde. See that woman over there? She's a blonde vice cop and she can take you down! Now, do you want to reconsider telling that blonde joke?"

The guy says, "Yeah, you're right, I should NOT tell that blonde joke - I'd have to explain it four times!"

[DragonLensmanWV]

An Asian woman drives up to a bank drive-through. She hands some currency to the teller for exchange.
After she gets her envelope and checks it, she asks the teller, "Last week I give you yen, I get twenty dollars. Today I give you yen, I get ten dollars. What's wrong?"
The teller tells her, "It's just fluctuations."
She says, "well fluck you Americans, too!"