Favorite Jokes

[DragonLensmanWV]

NEVERMORE

Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: it read "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed my options.
These three seemed to be the top ones.
Clearly, I must now adopt one:
Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore.

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee
Finally I pressed a key --
But on the screen what did I see?
Again: "Abort, Retry, Ignore."

I tried to catch the chips off-guard --
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards.
I saw what I had seen before.
Now I typed in desperation
Trying random combinations
Still there came the incantation:
Choose: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw an awful sight:
A bold and blinding flash of light --
A lightning bolt had cut the night and shook me to my very core.
I saw the screen collapse and die
"Oh no -- my database", I cried
I thought I heard a voice reply,
"You'll see your data Nevermore."

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes
I bet it goes to heaven where the angels have it stored.
But as for productivity, well
I fear that it goes straight to hell
And that's the tale I have to tell
Your choice: Abort, Retry, Ignore.

[DragonLensmanWV]

Once upon a time, there was this rich man who had a rather unreliable son.
Upon his son's entrance to college, the man took his son aside and said" Son,
you will inherit all my wealth, and the family business, if you can prove
you've finally become reliable. To do this, I am testing you. See this racoon
coat? If you can preserve every hair on this coat throughout your stay in
college, you will be rich" So the son agrees. First, they have to count how
many hairs there are. So they count 999,999,999,999 hairs on the racoon coat.
Every day the son counts the hairs on the coat and stores it in a special
cedar closet, taking exceedingly good care of it.
Finally, graduation day arrives!
The father takes his son to his room and gets the racoon coat.So they first
count the hairs. Sure enough, all 999,999,999,999 hairs are there! So they
throw the coat on the bed and go downstairs to celebrate a bit.
Unbeknownst to them, a moth was sitting in the window, saw the coat, and went
down to it and ate a hair. He thought it was pretty good, so he gobbled up
another hair. As he was getting ready to eat another, he heard the father and
son approaching, so he flew up into the corner of the room.
The father and son came in, and as the father was getting ready to sign the
documents turning everything over to his son, he said" Son, just to make
sure, we ought to caount the hairs again." So the did, all 999,999,999,997.
Startled, the caounted again-sure enough, only 999,999,997 hairs on the
racoon coat. The father flew into a rage, tearing up all the paperwork. "I
have no son!" he cried, and stormed out of the room.
The son, devastated, sat on the bed and started to cry great, wracking sobs.
The father came back and apoogized, but said" A deal is a deal, you didn't
keep your end of the bargain, so you still don't get everything." The father
saw what a terrible outcome this was and also started sobbing.
The moth saw what a terrible thing it had done, such misery it had caused, so
it started crying too.


Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

[Johns]

Dragon...you just wasted 2.7 perfectly good minutes of my life!!

[cleyes]

now that's funny!!!!!!!

[DragonLensmanWV]

Dragon...you just wasted 2.7 perfectly good minutes of my life!!

Yeah, I meant to tell you that one at the last UnExpo. That way I could have stretched it out even longer! My dad told me that one in high school.

[Johns]

Yeah, I meant to tell you that one at the last UnExpo. That way I could have stretched it out even longer! My dad told me that one in high school.

Don't tell me...the best 7 years of your life, right?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:

[DragonLensmanWV]

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS....
1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is always one more son-of-a-***** than you counted on.
3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they
will stop making it.
4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.
5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
serious.
17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been
before.
19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
27. If you think that ther is good in everybody, you haven't met
everybody.
28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame.
29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

[DragonLensmanWV]

Don't tell me...the best 7 years of your life, right?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:

No, three of 'em weren't so hot.....

[DragonLensmanWV]

What did the vampire mom say to her son?




Drink your soup before it clots!

[PhotonicGuy]

One joke which I found yesterday....

The Less You Know, The More You Make "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:
The less you know,the more you make.

[FVCCHRIS]

Horse walks into a bar. So, the bartender says "Why the long face?" !!

[bob_f_aboc]

Three men walk into a bar...The fourth one ducks.

[hcjilson]

With apologies to my blond friends

Daily Joke ~ Blonde Detective Training

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds" . . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.

[PhotonicGuy]

This is a good joke, I like it. But I'm wondering if the woman was natural or dyed blonde?

[Mizikal]

A sandwich walking into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve food in here.

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says I will serve you but don't start anything.

two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.