Favorite Jokes

[gordmac]

The Old Man

An Old Man went to his Doctor and told him he wanted a complete examination, not a quick once over. The Doctor checked him over, took a blood sample and x-rays then told the old man that to make it complete he had to get a sperm count. The Doctor then handed the old man a bottle and told him to take it home and put a sample in it and return it tomorrow. The old man returned the next day and the Doctor asked for the bottle so he handed it to him. The Doctor looked at the bottle and saw that it was empty. He mentioned this to the old man and the old man said "Look Doc I tried with my right hand then my left with no luck then, my wife tried with her right and left hand and even tried under her armpit with no luck.My wife then had the idea to get our neighbor lady, Eileen, to try so she tried with her right and left hand and even between her knees with no luck." The Doc kind of surprised said" You had you neighbor try" and the old man said "Yes and it's amazing not one of us could remove the top off this bottle."

[rexrayenz]

A penguin goes with all of his car and suddenly begins to act. Local mechanic as he pulls the car in the parking lot is going on very rough starts. He talks to the mechanic and that it will take a while to diagnose the problem. Mechanic tells him that he can either go to the corner cafe or just wait there. Penguins go to the cafe because she wanted some ice cream decides. Penguin Cafe is his favorite, a scoop of vanilla ice cream on a cone meets. It ends when he hands over it's own and generally makes a mess. After returning to the garage mechanic tells him "It looks like you blew a seal." And penguins quick "answer is it just a little ice cream."

[118bullard]

Golfer/optician

Here is one of my favorite golf jokes....

Once again the usual foursome were enjoying their weekly round of golf. As they get to the sixth hole which runs along the main road, they notice a funeral procession approaching. The other three fellows notice that Harry has taken off his golf cap and placed it over his heart and lowered his head in great reverance to the procession.

The others are amazed at Harry's actions and one asks, "Harry, why are you being so respectful to this particular funeral procession."

Harry says, "it's the least I can do. Next Tuesday, we would have been married 35 years."

[PhotonicGuy]

This is a good joke. I like it.

[PhotonicGuy]

and my favorite joke...
Dick Cheney comes to the president George W. Bush and says: "Mr. President, I know you like riddles, this is one which I think you will like. Here it is: It's my father's boy, but it's not me. Who is it?". Bush sits and think, and then says: "It's impossible, your father's boy must be you. There is no other solution". Cheney says: "No mr. president, I told you this riddle is genius. Here is the answer: it is my brother". Bush says: "Awesome, I'll go and tell it to Laura!". Bush goes and tells to his wife: "Check out, Laura, an excellent riddle. It's my father's boy, but it's not me. Who is it?". His wife sits and thinks, and eventually says: "I don't know. Who is it?". And Bush says very excited: "But of course, it's Dick Cheney's brother!"

[cleyes]

Gorgeous young redhead goes to the doctor complaining her whole body is painful to the touch. "Show me" says the doctor...She takes her finger and touches her shoulder and screams; then touches her arm and screams, then touches her face and screams. The doctor asks "Are you a redhead?" "No, actually I'm a blonde" " I thought so " says he, "Your finger is broken"

[PhotonicGuy]

Here's another joke:
An Irish guy goes into a bar in America and asks for three separate shots of Whiskey. He drinks one, waits a little bit, then drinks the second one, waits a little bit more, and then drinks the third one. This goes on for a few days, and finally the bartender tells him: “You know sir, I can put all three shots in one glass for you”.
The guy replies “No, I prefer it this way. You see, I’m very close to my two brothers. They are both still in Ireland, and this represents a drink for each of us. When I drink like this, I feel like we are drinking together again, all three of us”.
This goes on for several months, and then one day the guy walks into the pub and asks for only two shots.
The bartender is worried that maybe something happened to one of his brothers.
“Is everything OK”? he asks.
“What do you mean”, answers the guy.
“Well, for months you have been asking for three shots, now you order two. Did something happen to one of your brothers?”, the bartender asks.
“No”, replies the Irish guy, “They are fine. It’s just that I quit drinking”.

[DragonLensmanWV]

The Computer Hillbillies
====================

Come and listen to a story 'bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, "they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer..."

UNIX, this is... CRTs... Workstations...

Well, the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer.
The kinfolk said "Jed, move away from here".
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee...

Intel, that is... dry heat... no amusement parks...

On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said "you project's late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you 52!"

OT, that is... unpaid... mandatory...

The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple... "We'll work him sixty-six!"

Tired, that is... stressed out... no social life...

Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.

Laid off, that is... de-briefed... unemployed...

Now the moral of the story is listen to what you're told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you're old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.

Millionaires, that is... Bill Gates... Steve Jobs...

Y'all come back now... ya hear'

[cleyes]

Recent poll of widowed and divorced women showed 80% were against marrying again; they knew it was not worth buying the whole pig for a little sausage.

[PhotonicGuy]

:) It’s a good joke, cleyes. Maybe a little misandryst….

[cleyes]

True, true, just balancing the thread.

[DragonLensmanWV]

A man called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has
gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate
that he decides to ask God for help. He goes into the synagogue and
begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins.

Jacob goes back to the synagogue..."God please let me win the lotto.
I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!

Back to the synagogue..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I
don't often ask for your help and I have always been a good servant to
you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get
my life back in order?" Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as
the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of God himself who
admonishes him: "Jacob, meet me half way on this one, buy a ticket!"

[DragonLensmanWV]

Once there was this harelipped guy, who was unable to get any kind of good
job. When finally he was down to his last $100, he saw an ad in the paper
about how you could make loads of money. Well, he went to the address in the
ad, which turned out to be a hotel room, and knocked on the door. The man
answering the door let him in and started on his sales pitch. Of course, this
was a con game designed to separate the harelip from his money. "My boy," the
con man stated," I am here to show you how to make loads of money in a very
short time. What you have to do is give me $100 for this sales kit, and you
can start making money today."
The harelip gave him his money for the sales kit, and opened it up to reveal
a rack of toothbrushes."Hwhat, ham I hgoing to hdo with hthese?" he said.
"All you have to do is go door-to-door and sell these." the con man
explained. "Well hokay" said the harelip, and exited the room.
The harelip kept going from door to door asking "Hyou hwant to buy a
htoothbrush?" and getting door after door slammed in his face. After a while
he thought that maybe he was gettin taken so he went back to the con man and
complained.
The con man, seeing that maybe the gig was up, stalled him by telling him all
he needed was a gimmick, and he'd be rich. So the harelip departed, feeling
more confident now.
Meanwhile, the con man decided to skip town and went to the airport, where he
was astonished to see the harelip at a table there, selling toothbrushes as
fast as he could hand them out. He went over to the harelip and, thinking
maybe he really did find a gimmick he could use, asked the harelip about it.
"Oh yeah" said the harelip whilst passing out more toothbrushes" I found the
hright hgimmick all right. Here have some dip." The com mans saw all the
chips and dips spread about the table, grabbed a potato chip and dipped it
into the dip and ate it. He started gagging and proclaimed"Aagh! This dip
tastes like sh**!!"
The harelip said, "It is! Hyou hwant to hbuy a htoothbrush?

[PhotonicGuy]

There was once a family with two kids, one being extremely optimistic and the other extremely pessimistic. The parents tried to change that, and had an idea. They filled the room of the pessimistic with all the toys he ever wanted, and the room of the optimistic with horse manure.Then they waited for the kids to return from school and see their reaction. When they entered the pessimistic's room, he was crying and was very sad. They asked him what's wrong, and he said: all the kids will hate me for having so many toys and I will never have time to play with all of them,and maybe will broke and then there will be no one to repair them and I will be even more sad. Then they entered the optimistic's room. He was jumping around full of joy in the manure pile, throwing manure around. They asked:why are you so happy? He answered: there must be a pony somewhere.

[kcount]

The stranded Irishman


One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".


As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"


"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long
drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!