Favorite Jokes

[Uncle Fester]

Why won't cannibals eat clowns?
They taste funny.


Q-Why did they paint the elephant all different colors?
A- So it would look like a jelly bean.
Now have you ever seen an elephant in a jelly bean jar?
Doesn't it hide well!


What did the female dear say when she walked out of the woods?
"I'll never do that again for 2 bucks".

[DragonLensmanWV]

Oh, no, don't tell me we've devolved to elephant jokes!


OK

How can you tell if there's an elephant riding behind you on a motorcycle?

You can smell the peanuts on his breath.

[Sean]

A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"

[Johns]

Ok but if my wife reads this and I get into trouble again it's your butt I'm after.

[spoiler=Dirty Joke]So I'm having relations with my camel the other day and she turns to me and says,/n "Honey use a ladder". Then I said,/n "but what if I fall off".[/spoiler]

There you go Harry! I cleaned it up for you, so now you can tell it anywhere and be safe. (You'll be safe, but you won't be funny!:bbg:)

Need anything else cleaned up?:bbg::bbg::bbg::bbg:

[obxeyeguy]

Obama gets off Marine One Helicopter. Marine at the base of the ramp, after saluting, asks him why he's carrying a pig under each arm. Obama says they are not pigs, but genuine Arkansas razorbag hogs. He said "I got one for speaker Pelosi and one for Hillary." Marine snaps to attention, salutes again, and says "Excellent trade, sir!"

[jcasowder]

Obama gets off Marine One Helicopter. Marine at the base of the ramp, after saluting, asks him why he's carrying a pig under each arm. Obama says they are not pigs, but genuine Arkansas razorbag hogs. He said "I got one for speaker Pelosi and one for Hillary." Marine snaps to attention, salutes again, and says "Excellent trade, sir!"

:cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers:

[Johns]

[braheem24]

What's a pirate's favorite letter?



"R" :D

[Foveator]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,
and every year Morris would say,'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.

'Esther always replied,'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars

'One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,'Esther, I'm 85 years old.
If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.

'To this, Esther replied,'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.

'The pilot overheard the couple and said,'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's fifty dollars.

'Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!

'Morris replied,'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out,
but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[obxeyeguy]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, 'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, 'Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

'What did I tell you?' said the barber. 'That kid never learns!'

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store & says ; 'Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'

The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I takethe dollar, the game's over!'

[Dave Nelson]

Little Billy is in his elementary school class when his liberal, progressive teacher asks the class if anyone in the class is not a big fan of Obama.
Little Billy is the only student to raise his hand. The teacher glares at him and asks why he is not an Obama fan.
"well," says Billy, "my mom is conservative, and my dad is conservative, so I'm conservative."
"Well," says the teacher, "if your dad was an idiot, and your mom a moron, what would that make you?"
"I guess" says Billy, "that would make me an Obama fan."

[optical24/7]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grandson,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker .

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people..

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[Fezz]

LOL!!!

I LOVE Grandma!

:cheers::cheers::cheers::cheers:

[DragonLensmanWV]

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started." Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." He sighed........

"Let's put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box......."

[DragonLensmanWV]

There once was a corpuscle named Charlie that was part of the blood supply of a horse. Charlie earnestly went about his daily duties of getting oxygenated in the lungs and delivering his payload of oxygen wherever it was needed. After some time he thought that he had been in all parts of the horse because he had taken all the different blood streams he had seen. One day as he was back on his way to the lungs, he noticed a blood stream cutting off to the right that he was pretty sure was one stream he'd never been in, so after getting all oxygenated he worked his way over to the right side of the blood vessel so he could enter the stream when he got there. Then it was time, and off into the new blood stream went Charlie. He was floating down the stream looking around in wonderment at the new scenery when all of a sudden, he was eaten up by a nasty microbe.
This just goes to prove the old adage, "Don't change streams in the middle of a horse."