Quotes

[chip anderson]

. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just
don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in
reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar
territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of
it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those
who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel
universe.

12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically
challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the
June flower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything
you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be
without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how
it remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented
fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised
its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of
living.

21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd
all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50
chance of getting something right, there's a 90%
probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in
the world end to end, someone would be stupid
enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put
it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make
up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be
the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all
day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture.

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer
in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine
for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes
cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since
nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a
few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have
most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself
in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough
to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why
some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

[hcjilson]

I was saving those........for release, one at a time....every couple of weeks or so, in my sig!
Not to worry though.....I've still got one or 2 that you didn't publish!:D

One of the best office quotes I've heard came from a staff member of mine about 15 years ago.I was coming into the office on my way back from lunch.A I walked into the store, she came up to me and asked," Harry, did you get the message I was supposed to give you?"

go figure! She wound up purchasing the store and is currently running a very sucessful optical shop!
PS I never did get the message she was supposed to give me because I was laughing to hard!
Great thread subject Chip!
Best from Harry

[Pete Hanlin]

A few of my favorites are:

• I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I care.
• If everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
• Hate your job? There's a support group for that... they meet daily at your local bar.

Seriously though (yeah, I know... I always pull a "seriously though" out of my pocket). My grandfather always had this old piece of paper on his desk that somehow got handed down to me. I keep it on my office door, and it reads thus-

Be thankful for the troubles of your job. They provide about half your income. Because if it were not for the things that go wrong, the difficult people you have to deal with, and the problems and unpleasantnesses of your working day, someone could be found to handle your job for half of what you are paid.

It takes intelligence, resourcefulness, patience, tact and courage to meet the troubles of any job. That is why you hold your present job. And it may be the reason you aren't holding down an even bigger one.

If all of us would start to look for more troubles, and learn to handle them cheerfully and with good judgment, as opportunities rather than irritations, we would find ourselves getting ahead at a surprising rate. For it is a fact that there are plenty of big jobs waiting for men and women who aren't afraid of the troubles connected with them.

Sorry for the length, but I've read this thing often after having to deal with an irrational employee, doc, or patient (of course, I'm always perfectly rational ;) ). Although I still grouse and complain about things, it does help keep things in perspective at times.

[sandeepgoodbole]

Those who live in glass house, should not ...
change ( clothes ) with lights on and curtains raised.
:bbg:

[ioconnell]

1.Anything that can go wrong will go wrong

2. You know you are getting older when a happy hour is a nap

[hcjilson]

1.
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
(Tiger Woods)

2. Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.
(Rod Stewart)

[Joann Raytar]

These are things people actually said in court, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis--does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son--the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
voodoo or occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
A: Oral.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?


Q: You were not shot in the fracas [noisy fight]?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.


Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

[ioconnell]

Here are a few more to add to your collection Jo,



Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A. By death.

Q. And by whose death was it terminated?


Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?

A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.


Q. What is your name?

A. Ernestine McDowell.

Q. And what is your marital status?

A. Fair.


Q. Are you married?

A. No, I'm divorced.

Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?

A. A lot of things I didn't know about.


Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?

A. I should be.

Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?

A. Four times.


A. Were you aquainted with the decedent?

A. Yes, sir.

Q. Before or after he died?


Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?

A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.


Q. What happened then?

A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q. Did he kill you?

A. No.


Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.


THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.


Q. You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, and you didn't scream?

A. No ma'am.

Q. Does that mean you consented?

A. No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.


Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?

A. No.

Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?

A. Picking them up in the air.

Q. Where was the dog at this time?

A. Attached to the ears.


Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?

MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

[chip anderson]

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib.

If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. if you keep your eyes open by force, they will pop out.

Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

In the course of an average lifetime you will, while sleeping, eat 70 assorted insects and 10 spiders.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black-light.

23% of all photocopier faults worldwide are caused by people sitting on them and photocopying their buttocks.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different......................................

[Night Train]

Here is a great resource for great quotes:

http://www.weeks-g.dircon.co.uk/index.html

[Joann Raytar]

Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times.

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache

A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
1 olive from each salad served in first-class.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.

Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seenwearing them in public.

Walt Disney was afraid of mice.

Pearls melt in vinegar.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.

A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why.

The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton.

[Joann Raytar]

Recently, when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9, or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for half a dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.

"You don't?" I replied.

"We only have 6.9, or 12," was the reply.

"So I can't order a half a dozen, but I can order six?"

"That's right,"

So I shook my head and ordered 6 McNuggets.
_______________________________________

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.

She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.

"No, just this remote 'thingy'," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries, it's a long walk".