What I figured out over the weekend.

[Darris Chambless]

It's Monday late afternoon and I'm bored,

So I thought I'd convey a little information that may help some of you through the rest of your lives.

First, I'm flipping through the channels on Saturday afternoon and there is this comercial for a device that I've seen many times but just never paid much attention to. It's a paint roller that has this little plastic shield that folds down on the side so that you can "Edge like a professional without having to tape off all the trim." And guess what? It's only $19.95! Is that not great or what? Now as far as useless gadgets go this one is at least more useful than some of the others I've seen.

The Patriotic Guardian Angel seemed to be pretty useless but it too is only $19.95 if memory serves. It's this little Angel that has a light in it and fiber optics for wings that change colors (red, white and blue) WOW! What could be more exciting not to metion more useless than that?!? I ask you.

But if that wasn't enough, what about all the adds for these lose weight by taking this pill or that pill? Whatever happened to getting up off your butt and doing something physical that will take the fat off not to mention increase your circulation and make you feel better? I guess I'm just behind the times with all this physical activity that I prefer over taking a pill that will cause me to have uncontrolable gas with discharge. How disgusting, yet people actually take this stuff AND most of them cause the body to be unable to assimilate certain vitamins in foods. Yup, that's what I call healthy livin'.

Then there is the unspendable currency from the Franklin Mint, hand painted on both sides with a "lovely portrait of The American Eagle on one side and the American flag on the other." Now I'm as patriotic as the next guy or gal don't get me wrong, but this stuff is insane. You know what's even more insane? PEOPLE ACTUALLY CALL IN AND BUY THIS STUFF!!!

So I've decided to hand paint a portrait of The American flag on a nose pad that I will be selling for a meger...Yup, You guessed it, $19.95 on TV at 3:00 AM in the blessed morning so that more insane people will have more things to spend their money on! I'm also thinking of developing a patriotic icecream container and selling it to Ben and Jerry's so they too can sell their products at 3:00 AM in the blessed morning! This way people taking the pills that allow them to eat anything they want and still lose weight have something patriotic to brag about.

So while I'm working out on my BowFlex, cooking my Heart Healthy meal on my George Foreman "Lean Mean Grillin' Machine," taking my pills that will literally make the pounds just fall right off of me while I sleep, I can admire my Patriotic, unspendable, hand painted coinage by the light of my American Guardian Angel night lamp while listening to Carlton Sheets tell me how to buy houses for no money down on handy cassettes or video tape. What could be better except for having a big ole glass of juice made the natural way with The Juice Man to go with it? If you want to stay healthy JUICE IT!

But even all that creates another delima for me. What if Tony Little gets upset with me for getting a BowFlex over his ab videos, cross trainer or ab machine? What if Jake takes offense to my not getting his machine? What if Chuck Norris comes to my house to kick my butt because I didn't get in on The Total Gym? Will I be an outcast and looked upon as a total loser? Will Susan Powder think I'm an idiot and show up to shave my head too while spouting mathematical equations to figure fat calories in packaged food?

All these things are so emblazened in my brain that I just can't take it anymore!!!! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Well, at least I can take heart in knowing that if I do something to make Jaime Lee Curtis or Jane Fonda mad, the scenery will be nice to look at if they show up to thwart me :) But for now my Buns of Steel and Rock Hard Abs of stone are going to leave you all with this little bit of comfort: No matter what they're selling you are the only you that you need to be. I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and doggonit people like me. ;)

Take care and thanks for reading my drivel. I hope it added a little sunshine to your typically drad Monday or pushed you over the edge whatever the case may be :)

Darris C.

[Diane]

Darris,

Poor supreme leader, you have way too much time on your hands. I believe that you can truly market your patriotic nosepads, and besides, they will be useful.


:hammer:

Take care,

Lady Di

[Pete Hanlin]

Me thinks you spend a lot of time in front of the TV in the wee hours of the morning, Darris!

Just to add to your list, don't forget the "face zapper" that tones your face by shocking it over and over and over... Of course, if all that shocking makes you lose your hair, you can just spray some more on with Mr. Poppeil's "Hair in a Can."

Then you have the breast-enlarging "Bloussant" pills (which must work, because they have a French name and anything not from here must be better). Don't forget the meat thing that spins your beef and evenly cooks it (not for $900, or even $750... just 259 easy payments of $49, mind you!). Oh, for those who want to forgo the offerings of the Franklin Mint, there are "legal tender" coins with everything from the brave firefighters raising the flag in NYC to President Bush on them (of course, they are only legal tender in Algeria!).

Of course, if you don't like the shoddy products offered by these modern day shucksters, you can always get the "good stuff" on QVC 24/7! After all, what lady wouldn't want a 7 carat diamonelle solitare bagette ring???

Pete "I also stay up late" Hanlin

[Darris Chambless]

Pete? Lady Di?

Actually I don't spend much time in front of the TV but I am up till wee hours of the morning in my garage "puttering" :) But I honestly caught the majority of this stuff on Saturday afternoon. We the viewing audience are being inundated with devices, gizmos and pills to make our lives better in some form or fashion. Normally I have no problem with capitalism but at least make it something useful and productive. Most of what I'm seeing are things to sell for the sole purpose of selling them and nothing more.

Think of it this way; I go on television and I'm standing there with a hand full of one inch pieces of string saying "Most people are coping with the tragedy of September 11th, but for those of you who are still living in that nightmare we're offering our Unite States of America 'Wish String' For less than the cost of a cup of coffee a day you can have your very own USA 'Wish String' to show your support of our troops in Afghanistan. Don't delay. Supplies are limited and they're going fast. And remember it's for your country." I know what you're saying. You're saying "Gosh Darris you should be in Hollywood writing screen plays." and I'd say "Yes, I know but there are entirely too many liberals there for me to have to deal with." :) But apart from that even if it were a ROLL of string it would be better than one inch pieces of string and that's the point I'm trying to make. It's ****, junk or whatever you want to call it.

Now Pete I'm going to take issue with your suggestion that Ron Popeill is selling junk. Not only is Ron my hero, but most of his ideas and products are useful. Okay, okay so the "In the eggshell egg scrambler" was a little stupid but it did keep you from dirtying a bowl for the process of making scrambled eggs BUT Ron is a god so back off or I'll have to smack you down ;) Who can forget the Poppeill's Pocket Fisherman, huh?!? What could be more ingenius than that, I ask you? Or how about his views on recycling with the Ronco Bottle Cutter "Turn ordinary bottles into useable drinking glasses" or Mr. Microphone?

Ah yes, Mr. Microphone. Who can forget the tag line "Hey good lookin'? We'll be back to pick you up later." Yup. Mr. Microphone proved that complete and total dorks could be even geekier than they already were. It proved that lame parties could at least be unforgettable because of how stupid the people wielding Mr. Microphone truly could be and were. Mr. Microphone ended the era of Disco I do believe and proved to everyone within earshot that most people really can't sing :)

So you had better smile when you speak the name of the marketing god Ron Poppeill. He can dehydrate or cook any type of food with the minimum amount of work "You just set it and forget it" with a lot of stupid people wearing Chef's attire in the studio audience. Ron can sell anything to anyone not for $700.00, not $600.00 not even $400.00 but just three easy payments of $1,367,432.27 (Sound of audience clapping and trying to throw money at him) The man is phenominal and the people are stupid but he knows that and he plays on it. That, my friend, takes some serious cojones.

I will admit that there are some pretty stupid products for sale on the tube these days but Ron's aren't any of them. He's sensible about what he's selling and he's fun to watch with those big ole rubber barbeque gloves on (which come free with his rotisoirre mind you) and his apron (which he was too cheap to throw in :)

Well, I guess I'll go for now. But remember no one and I mean NO ONE better say anything bad about The Ron Man :)

Darris C.

[Diane]

"Mr. Microphone ended the era of Disco I do believe and proved to everyone within earshot that most people really can't sing."

OK, so this was the very early stages of karoke. He should get royalties on all of the clubs that feature this wonderful entertainment. The new deal for karoke is that people who wanna be "Wanna be's" go from one club to another in the hopes that they will get "FOUND".

Anyway, sometimes the commercials may be better than the shows. At least my youngest grandaughter thinks so.

Take care,

:cheers:

Diane