Children of Divorce

[Night Train]

How well do young children cope with the seperation of their parents? What do you all think?

[Maria]

I might be a bit biased, because my parents are divorced, but it seems like the choice of options slope decidedly to the 'divorce is emotionally scarring' side of things.
It can actually be better in some cases (certainly mine) to have two happy parents in two houses, rather than coming home to tension and arguments every night. I think that, had my parents stayed married, both my sister and I would be emotional wrecks by now. It was also quite awkward for them, as they were Catholics in a parish where no-one had ever got divorced before, and my maternal grandparents were 'leading lights' within the parish community. But they did it, and my father has now been married to his second wife for longer than his first, and my mother lives with someone as well. And I get two lots of presents every birthday and Christmas :)

[Jackie L]

Most of us probably grew up in a broken home. We survived. No Leave It To Beaver here.

[Judy Canty]

My parents divorced after 45 years of marriage. It still wasn't easy for my brother, sister and I, but we are surviving. More importantly, my Mom is having a wonderful time and my Dad is regreting his decision.

[hcjilson]

Night Train,
How the children fare in divorce is largely dependent on the parents, and how they cope with the situation.If the children are confronted with a bitter, acrimonious environment at home, they will do less well.If parental egos can be kept at bay, the children will do rather well.Unfortunatly children are often used as pawns in situations of divorce, which leads them to take sides.This only escalates and is not a desirable thing in the long run.The view from Cape Cod from harry j

[Cindy Hamlin]

Since I am a child of a divorce and a remarriage and another divorce, I can speak to this. (Yes, my mom and dad married, divorced, remarried and divorced again!)

It is extremely important to not use the kids as pawns and informants on each other! My parents did this as they were jockeying for position in our lives! Don't tell your children about your spouses bad habits and issues. Don't ever talk badly to your friends about their father/mother in their presence.

Remember they are kids and are entitled to be happy!

~Cindy

[Jakeman]

i'm the child of a divorce. my parents divorced when i was like 5 or something. my dad remarried, my mom has a boyfriend. and look at me! i turned out fine! ;)

[Night Train]

I just came across what appears to be a fascinating book. THE UNEXPECTED LEGACY OF DIVORCE by Judith Wallerstein. She chronicles the lifes of 131 children of divorce. Some of her subjects are now 55 years old. This could be good read. Anyone out there read this before?

[Maria]

You mean if people get divorced, their kids may live to be 55 years old? ;)

Since I'm probably not going to read the book, what is it's opinion?

[Night Train]

Maria, I was hoping youd read it so I wouldnt have to! Oh well, I did skim through it. It looks like they would say about what you did in your first post. It worked out in some way for all of them. Some better than others. But all agreed it wasnt pleasant.

[Mike Fretto]

I may open a can of worms here but here goes anyway. My feeling is were raising a generation of kids that treat marriage as disposable. If it doesnt work throw it away and go find another. Few couples are willing to work at a relationship it takes a little effort, the ability to forgive and forget is gone. I realize that some things are probably harder to forget than others, but if we worked a little harder at making it work, rather than looking for a way out our children might learn important words like commitment and communication and cooperation. I'll get off my soapbox now.

[hcjilson]

I'm with Mike on this one.The disposable marriage is kind of a cop out.Where is it written in our life contract that things would always be smooth and stressless.Marriage is work.A sucessfull marriage is HARD work. I sat by and watched my first wife toss 9 years of marriage down the shute because she thought she was having a mid-life crisis.We both later remarried.She has since divorced. On October 10th my wife and I will be celebrating our 25th Anniversary!It certainly hasn't been all peaches and cream....(mainly because I'm so difficult!) but it has been an excersise in pulling together.In spite of the bumps we're still in love-probably more so than at any other time, because it took THAT long to find out about one another.

If they made it more difficult to divorce than to marry, there would be many less divorces.Counseling should be MANDATORY before seeking a divorce.

Concerning children: they must be reassured that they are blameless!Many think that somehow THEY are the cause of the trouble, and that there's something THEY can do to make things right.They'll always be trying to put the marrige back together again.Divorce should be the last resort to problems, NOT the first.

The gospel according to hj

[Darris Chambless]

Hello everyone,

I'm inclined to understand things a little differently. I don't believe in the "disposable marriage" idea and I do agree with Mike that this has become more the norm than anything else. But people must take more responsibility when choosing their mate for life. Too many people cling to what they know of one person and feel the security in it only to find out that they can't live that way for life. They should have made better choices to begin with.

We do the dating and boyfriend girlfriend thing as a prelude to what lies ahead. All this so we can learn to take the good with the bad. Well, guess what? Even in the trials of early realtionships breakups are inevitable.

Marriage is work and a good marriage is hard work just like Harry said, but what if it's unilateral work? I had a friend of mine a long time ago tell me I had the perfect relationship because my girlfriend at the time wanted to be with me more than I wanted to be with her. I looked at him in shcok and said if that's how you view relationships you're destine for some lonely times. I didn't view my relationship that way at all, but what he said and his understanding of how a realtionship should be is the very reason for many breakups.

A unilateral relationship is doomed from the start and no matter how much hard work a person puts in (usually the one doing all the giving) it won't change. So in an instance like that what do we teach our children? That even if your miserable you stay together because it's just what you do. So we can teach them about divorce or about misery.

Children always suffer in a bad marriage or divorce. They are the victims always. It's a fact of a relationship that goes south. Teach the children to make their choices wisely in life and do anything in haste. Let them know they are not to blame and don't cast blame on anyone, not even yourself for the ending marriage.

So often outsiders are quick to judge and point fingers because they are objective observers and only see the peaches and cream because a good spouse makes sure that's all anyone ever sees and the rest is done in private. No one knows the full spectrum of anothers marriage. Being judgemental of their decisions really makes the observer look like a fool. Marriage is hard work but there can come a time when the work takes it's toll on all involved and reconciliation ceases to be a viable option.

Divorce is a lose/lose situation for all, but fortunately or unfortunately sometimes it's necessary. I know people that divorced and it was great day in the neighborhood when it happened and then I've known others that got divorced because of selfish wants and superficial needs. Both are tragic but both were also inevitable.

The children are casualties, because they don't nor will they ever understand. They will learn to accept it or deal with it in their own way but their life as they've known it is destroyed. The dicission is for the spouses to make but it should never be made lightly. The children always suffer and they are the most innocent in the scenario, but again sometimes the split is necessary. For outsiders to judge the situation is understandable human nature but just as irresponsible.

Well that's my take on it,

Darris C.

PS. I'm not for divorce, but I'm sure not for misery either.

[Texas Ranger]

I can't see any socially redeeming value in divorce, and it it so very harmful to children. Marriage and the family unit are the very foundation of all that is good, and the dissolution leads to all that is not. Marriage is a choice, and with choice comes responsibility and consequences. It requires trust, openess and honesty, a sensitivity to each other's needs for sexual fulfillment, financial and domestic support, conversation and commitment to each other, forever! It would be nice if we understood these things BEFORE we tied the knot! But most of all, marriage is a vow to God! So, when our kids see us in turmoil, their whole support system shot, what do you think it does to them? Seems some of you have been there? Well, trhe truth is that 50% of marriages end in divorce, those casualtys remarry too soon(they still have unmet needs), and generally make the same mistakes again. We seldom want to look in the mirror and see our part in the process, which we should, then we lose perspective with our kids because of guilt(the gift that keeps on giving). We need to learn a lot about conflict resolution, reconciliation and forgivness, preferably BEFORE we throw the baby(literally) out with the bath water. I know that a marriage in major trouble can be so very painful to ALL involved, but all can be saved and thrive! My wife is a school nurse and we have friends, along with us who work with our church's marriage ministry, reconcilation and divorce recovery programs...and you can't imagine how the children suffer, and how incredibly challenging it is to be a single parent. get involved with a womens shelter, food bank, etc. and see who is hurt the most. Please do all you can, personally to make your own marriages better, and to be compassionate to those in turmoil. Al.

[Night Train]

Originally posted by Night Train
I just came across what appears to be a fascinating book. THE UNEXPECTED LEGACY OF DIVORCE by Judith Wallerstein. She chronicles the lifes of 131 children of divorce. Some of her subjects are now 55 years old. This could be good read. Anyone out there read this before?

I accidentally ran across a review of the book:

http://www.petersvoice.org/bookmonth7.htm

[MVEYES]

Stay on your soap box. Bravo!!!!!:cheers:



:cheers: Jerry