Favorite Jokes

[Sean]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Johns]

of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...











The mule died.

[k12311997]

of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...


The mule died.

PA animal control calls WV animal control.

We have one of your raccoons here.

How can you tell?

It was caught in a trap it chewed off three of its legs and its still trapped.

[DragonLensmanWV]

of course we've all heard that the Huntington WV High School had to cancel their drivers education course this spring...











The mule died.

That was NOT a mule - it was an ATV.


(WV leads all states in ATV deaths)

[DragonLensmanWV]

A guy goes duck hunting in PA. He's bagged a triplet of ducks, and the local game warden spots him. Determined to get a fine, he goes over the hunter and asks for his license. The hunter provides a current one. Still determined to get a fine, thinking the hunter was from WV, he sticks his finger up one of the ducks' butt, pulls it out and sniffs it.
He says, "Wait a minute - this duck is from Florida - you got a Florida license?"
The hunter provides a current Florida license.
Aggravated, the PA game warden sticks his finger up another duck butt, sniffs it and declares,
"Wait a minute- this duck is from California - you have a California license?"
The hunter provides a current California license.
Desperate, the warden repeats his procedure and says, "Wait a minute - this last duck is from Texas - you have a Texas license?"
Undaunted, the hunter provides a current Texas license.
The warden it totally flummoxed by now and says, "Geez, you have all these licenses - where the heck are you from!?"

The hunter turns around, drops his pants, leans over and says, "If you're so good at that - you tell me!"


And-
What has 22 legs and three teeth?
The front row in a PA concert.:D

[k12311997]

West Virginia State Residency Application
Name: ________________
(last)
(first)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
CB Handle: _____________________
Occupation(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employed(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education:
1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here
BUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too
___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'
___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin'
# of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear

[HarryChiling]

West Virginia State Residency Application
Name: ________________
(last)
(first)
(_) Billy-Bob
(_) Billy-Joe
(_) Billy-Ray
(_) Billy-Sue
(_) Billy-Mae
(_) Billy-Jack
(Check appropriate box)
Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
CB Handle: _____________________
Occupation(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employed(_)Coal Miner

Spouse's Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse
(_) Sister
(_) Brother
(_) Aunt
(_) Uncle
(_) Cousin
(_) Mother
(_) Father
(_) Son
(_) Daughter
(_) Pet
Number of children living in household: ___
Number that are yours: ___
Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
Education:
1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
Model and year of your pickup: _____________
Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
(_)The National Enquirer
(_)The Globe
(_)TV Guide
(_)Soap Opera Digest
(_)Gun World
___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
(_)Weekly
(_)Monthly
(_)Holidays
(_)Not Applicable
Color of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/A
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
(_)1 mile
(_)2 miles
(_)don't know
(_)can't get there from here
BUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too
___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'
___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin'
# of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg
Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser
___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
__________________

Holy Crap, I almost peed myself.

[DragonLensmanWV]

Holy Crap, I almost peed myself.

Really? That one has been going around the internet for years!

I've lived in Wv my whole life and seen and heard all those stories before.Problem is, most of them were changed from PA a long time ago.:D:D
Kind of like how in PA, your old console TV becomes the stand for your new TV.:D

[k12311997]

I've lived in Wv my whole life and seen and heard all those stories before.Problem is, most of them were changed from PA a long time ago.:D:D
.:D

you just keep believing that.:D

[k12311997]

equal opportunity

WELCOMETO

Pennsylvania

where every highway eventually narrows to a single lane . . . .
or isDETOURED



** Our seasons (2) are winterand construction **

You Know You're >From or In Pennsylvania if:

You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

You know what a "Hex sign" is.

You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

you know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (LebanonBologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in LancasterCounty.

You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

"You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

You actually understand these jokes? Sure would think so!

[Sean]

The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

"But I always get it here," says the blonde.
"Do you have the container it comes in?"
"Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."

[DragonLensmanWV]

Back in the days of yore, in a certain kingdom there dwelt a man of knightly values, but of short stature. He tried mightily to convince the King that he was worthy of being one of his chosen knights. For years he was turned down. One day the King, being a bit short of knights at the time, finally agreed to let his erstwhile supplicant become an official knight. He called forth the Royal Armorer and instructed him to fabricate a full set of armor for the mini-knight. The armorer assured the King that it would not take long to make it so. Then the King called his Royal Weaponsmaster to aid the new knight in his selection of weapons, which also took little time, since a short sword worked fine for him.
Then the King sent to the stables for a horse for him to pursue his quests on.When informed they had no steed small enough for him, the King thought for some time before hitting on a solution.
He called the newly armored and beweaponed knight to his throne room to accept a quest. When he got there the knight was distressed to see the King had dressed a large dog as a knight's horse for him. The King explained that was the most fitting steed for him that could be found. Grudgingly, the knight departed to begin his quest for honor.
One night he was traveling and the weather was truly terrible. It was raining,sleeting,snowing,foggy and dank. He spied a light ahead, and hoped it was an inn, which it did turn out to be. The sodden knight asked the innkeeper for room and board for the night for himself and his trusty steed.
The innkeeper looked out and exclaimed, "That's not a dog fit for a knight to be out on!"

[rhondaboman]

Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?...




Fa Drizzle { )


Sorry, that;s whacha get from a washingtonian

[Sean]

A guy spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"
Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked Man found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."

[Sean]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"