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Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #51
    Happy Halloween k12311997's Avatar
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    West Virginia State Residency Application
    Name: ________________
    (last)
    (first)
    (_) Billy-Bob
    (_) Billy-Joe
    (_) Billy-Ray
    (_) Billy-Sue
    (_) Billy-Mae
    (_) Billy-Jack
    (Check appropriate box)
    Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
    CB Handle: _____________________
    Occupation(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employed(_)Coal Miner

    Spouse's Name: __________________________
    Relationship with spouse
    (_) Sister
    (_) Brother
    (_) Aunt
    (_) Uncle
    (_) Cousin
    (_) Mother
    (_) Father
    (_) Son
    (_) Daughter
    (_) Pet
    Number of children living in household: ___
    Number that are yours: ___
    Mother's Name: _______________________
    Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
    Education:
    1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
    Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)
    ___ Total number of vehicles you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
    ___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
    Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
    Model and year of your pickup: _____________
    Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________
    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    (_)The National Enquirer
    (_)The Globe
    (_)TV Guide
    (_)Soap Opera Digest
    (_)Gun World
    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
    How often do you bathe:
    (_)Weekly
    (_)Monthly
    (_)Holidays
    (_)Not Applicable
    Color of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/A
    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
    How far is your home from a paved road?
    (_)1 mile
    (_)2 miles
    (_)don't know
    (_)can't get there from here
    BUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too
    ___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
    ___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
    Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'
    ___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin'
    # of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg
    Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser
    ___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
    Last edited by k12311997; 05-16-2007 at 11:09 AM.

  2. #52
    ATO Member OptiBoard Bronze Supporter HarryChiling's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by k12311997
    West Virginia State Residency Application
    Name: ________________
    (last)
    (first)
    (_) Billy-Bob
    (_) Billy-Joe
    (_) Billy-Ray
    (_) Billy-Sue
    (_) Billy-Mae
    (_) Billy-Jack
    (Check appropriate box)
    Age: ____Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A
    Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
    CB Handle: _____________________
    Occupation(_)Farmer(_)Mechanic(_)Hair Dresser(_)Un-employed(_)Coal Miner

    Spouse's Name: __________________________
    Relationship with spouse
    (_) Sister
    (_) Brother
    (_) Aunt
    (_) Uncle
    (_) Cousin
    (_) Mother
    (_) Father
    (_) Son
    (_) Daughter
    (_) Pet
    Number of children living in household: ___
    Number that are yours: ___
    Mother's Name: _______________________
    Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)
    Education:
    1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
    Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home?(Check appropriate box)
    ___ Total number of vehicles you own
    ___ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ___ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ___ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
    ___ Number of refrigerators on front porch
    Firearms you own and where you keep them:____ truck____ bedroom____ bathroom____ kitchen____ shed
    Model and year of your pickup: _____________
    Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed ofpickup: ________
    Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    (_)The National Enquirer
    (_)The Globe
    (_)TV Guide
    (_)Soap Opera Digest
    (_)Gun World
    ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
    ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO
    How often do you bathe:
    (_)Weekly
    (_)Monthly
    (_)Holidays
    (_)Not Applicable
    Color of teeth:(_)Yellow(_)Brownish-Yellow(_)Brown(_)Black(_)No teeth(_)N/A
    Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man
    How far is your home from a paved road?
    (_)1 mile
    (_)2 miles
    (_)don't know
    (_)can't get there from here
    BUMPER STICKERS:___ Eat more Possum___ My other car is a piece of junk too
    ___ Honk if you love Jesus___ If you ain't a cowboy, you ain't nothin'
    ___ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
    Favorite Recreation: Check all that apply:___ Square Dancin' ___ Possum Huntin'
    ___ Skinny Dippin'___ Craw Daddin'___ Gospel Singin' ___ 4-Wheelin'___ Drankin' ___ Spittin' Backy ___ Bill Chip Trowin' ___ Honky Tonkin'___ Noodlin'
    # of Dogs: ___ Type: ___ Blue Tick ___ Beagle___ Black & Tan ___ Bird Dawg
    Cap Emblem: ___ John Deere ___ McCulloch Chain Saws___ Budweiser
    ___ Vo-Tech___ Skoal ___ Coors___ NAPA ___ Smile if you're Not Wearing Underwear
    __________________
    Holy Crap, I almost peed myself.

  3. #53
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HarryChiling View Post
    Holy Crap, I almost peed myself.

    Really? That one has been going around the internet for years!

    I've lived in Wv my whole life and seen and heard all those stories before.Problem is, most of them were changed from PA a long time ago.:D:D
    Kind of like how in PA, your old console TV becomes the stand for your new TV.:D
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  4. #54
    Happy Halloween k12311997's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DragonLensmanWV View Post
    I've lived in Wv my whole life and seen and heard all those stories before.Problem is, most of them were changed from PA a long time ago.:D:D
    .:D
    you just keep believing that.:D

  5. #55
    Happy Halloween k12311997's Avatar
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    equal opportunity

    WELCOMETO

    Pennsylvania

    where every highway eventually narrows to a single lane . . . .
    or isDETOURED



    ** Our seasons (2) are winterand construction **
    You Know You're >From or In Pennsylvania if:


    You've never referred to Philadelphia as anything but "Philly." And New Jersey has always been "Jersey."

    You refer to Pennsylvania as "PA" (pronounced Peeay).How many other states do that?

    You know what "Punxsutawney Phil" ( A Ground Hog ) is, and what it means if he sees his shadow.

    The first day of buck and the first day of doe season are school holidays.

    You can use the phrase "fire hall wedding reception" and not even bat an eye.

    You can't go to a wedding without hearing the "Chicken Dance," at least 1 Polka and either an Italian song (sung in Italian,) or "Hava Nagila."

    At least 5 people on your block have electric "candles" in all or most of their windows all year long.

    You know what a "Hex sign" is.

    You know what a "State Store" is, and your out of state friends find it incredulous that you can't purchase liquor at the mini-mart.

    You own only three condiments "salt, pepper and Heinz ketchup".

    Words like "hoagie", "crick", "chipped ham", "sticky buns", "shoo-fly pie", "pierogies" and "pocketbook" actually mean something to you.

    You can eat cold pizza (even for breakfast) and know others who do the same. (Those from NY find this "barbaric".)

    You not only have heard of Birch Beer, but you know it comes in several colors: Red, White, Brown, Gold.

    you know several places to purchase or that serve Scrapple, Summer Sausage (LebanonBologna), and Hot Bacon Dressing.

    You can eat a cold soft pretzel from a street vendor without fear and enjoy it.

    You know the difference between a cheese steak & a pizza steak sandwich and a Primanti's, and know that you can't get a really good one outside PA.

    You live for summer, when street and county fairs signal the beginning of funnel cake season.

    Customers ask the waitress for "drippy eggs" for breakfast.

    You know that Blue Ball, Intercourse, Climax, Bird-in-Hand, Beaver, Moon, Virginville, Paradise, Mars, and Slippery Rock are PA towns.

    You know what a township, borough, and commonwealth is.

    You can identify drivers from New York, New Jersey, Ohio,or other neighboring states by their unique and irritating driving habits.

    A traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a horse-drawn carriage on the highway in LancasterCounty.

    You know several people who have hit deer more than once.

    You carry jumper cables in your car and your female passengers know how to use them.

    You still keep kitty litter, starting fluid, de-icer, or a snow brush in your trunk, even if you live in the south.

    Driving is always better in winter because the potholes are filled with snow.

    As a kid you built snow forts and leaf piles that were taller than you were.

    Your graduating class consisted of mostly Polish, German, & Italian names.

    "You guys" and "ynz" is a perfectly acceptable reference to a group of men & women.

    You know how to respond to the question "Djeetyet?" (Didyoueatyet?)

    You learned to pronounce Bryn Mawr, Wilkes-Barre, Schuylkill, Bala Cynwyd, Conshohocken, and Monongahela.

    You know what a "Mummer" is, and are disappointed if you can't catch at least highlights of the parade.

    You actually understand these jokes? Sure would think so!

  6. #56
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    The blonde walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don''t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more. "I''m sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don''t have any."

    "But I always get it here," says the blonde.
    "Do you have the container it comes in?"
    "Yes!" says the blonde, "I will go and get it."
    She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist, who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom."
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  7. #57
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Back in the days of yore, in a certain kingdom there dwelt a man of knightly values, but of short stature. He tried mightily to convince the King that he was worthy of being one of his chosen knights. For years he was turned down. One day the King, being a bit short of knights at the time, finally agreed to let his erstwhile supplicant become an official knight. He called forth the Royal Armorer and instructed him to fabricate a full set of armor for the mini-knight. The armorer assured the King that it would not take long to make it so. Then the King called his Royal Weaponsmaster to aid the new knight in his selection of weapons, which also took little time, since a short sword worked fine for him.
    Then the King sent to the stables for a horse for him to pursue his quests on.When informed they had no steed small enough for him, the King thought for some time before hitting on a solution.
    He called the newly armored and beweaponed knight to his throne room to accept a quest. When he got there the knight was distressed to see the King had dressed a large dog as a knight's horse for him. The King explained that was the most fitting steed for him that could be found. Grudgingly, the knight departed to begin his quest for honor.
    One night he was traveling and the weather was truly terrible. It was raining,sleeting,snowing,foggy and dank. He spied a light ahead, and hoped it was an inn, which it did turn out to be. The sodden knight asked the innkeeper for room and board for the night for himself and his trusty steed.
    The innkeeper looked out and exclaimed, "That's not a dog fit for a knight to be out on!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  8. #58
    Bad address email on file rhondaboman's Avatar
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    Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella?...




    Fa Drizzle { )


    Sorry, that;s whacha get from a washingtonian

  9. #59
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    A guy spent a holiday in New Mexico with Native Americans who told him the Legend of the Maidens.
    The tale went this way: "There are beautiful maidens who live in the cracks and crevices in this valley. If you hear them call, 'Woo Woo,' take off your clothes quickly and enter the cave. They will show you a fabulous time!"
    Several days later, the headlines in the local newspaper read: "Body of Naked Man found in Tunnel, Run Over by Train."
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  10. #60
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "$65,000."
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
    MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
    Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  11. #61
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    Fresh from my Inbox

    Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

    The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

    The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

  12. #62
    Optimentor Diane's Avatar
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    This one got me...

    Quote Originally Posted by Cindy K View Post
    Five Canadian surgeons are discussing which career category makes the best patients to operate on.

    The first, an Ontario surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

    The second, a Quebec surgeon, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded!"

    The third, a BC surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarians are the best: everything inside them is in alphabetical order!"

    The fourth, an Alberta surgeon, chimes in:" Ya know, I like construction workers... those guys always understand the situation were you have a few parts left over."

    But the fifth, a Newfie surgeon, stopped them all cold when he observed: "Nah, yer all wrong. Politicians, thems da best and easiest to oprate on. No guts, no heart, no balls, no brains an no spine, and da head and da @ss er interchangeable!"

    I'm laughing so hard, my sides hurt.:D

    Diane
    Anything worth doing is worth doing well.

  13. #63
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    There was a friar who decided to open a florist shop to help raise money
    for his church. The shop was an instant success. But the friar grew to
    like being a florist and spent less and less time at his church and more
    and more time at the florist shop.

    The church protested and asked the friar to spend less of his time at the
    shop. But the friar wouldn't listen and now spent all of his time at the
    florist shop. He'd grown very fond of being a florist.

    The church decided to act. So Hugh the Ogre was sent to the friar. Hugh
    the Ogre placed a very powerful spell on the friar and the friar,
    accordingly, returned to the church.

    The moral of the story is "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars"..
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  14. #64
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    WV Diction Test

    Some may recognize this. If so - you might be a redneck.

    Let's hear you people say these lines out loud:


    "MR PIGS"

    "MR NOT PIGS"

    "OSAR"

    "LIB"

    "MR PIGS."



    Mind you, this is a conversation between two people.
    And the answer is::
    <Spoiler space>












    "Them are pigs"

    "Them are not pigs"

    "Oh, yes they are."

    "Well, I'll be."

    "Them ARE pigs."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  15. #65
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
    Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
    "I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right there
    and flew away. Minutes later, the man
    watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
    to his car and into his gas tank. After a
    few minutes, the bees flew out.
    "Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the
    car started right up.
    "Wow!" the man exclaimed.
    "What did you put in my gas tank"?
    The bee answered, "BP."
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  16. #66
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sean View Post
    A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas.
    Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
    The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
    "I'm out of gas!"The bee told the man to wait right there
    and flew away. Minutes later, the man
    watched as an entire swarm of bees flew
    to his car and into his gas tank. After a
    few minutes, the bees flew out.
    "Try it now," said one bee.The man turned the ignition key and the
    car started right up.
    "Wow!" the man exclaimed.
    "What did you put in my gas tank"?
    The bee answered, "BP."

    Mutter, mutter.

    Good one!
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  17. #67
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    Straight from the Inbox

    Tired of receiving calls from unwanted callers? Try this message on your answering machine:

    'You've reached "___________". I'm not available right now but thanks for calling.
    I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the tone. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."

  18. #68
    Master OptiBoarder Cindy K's Avatar
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    And yet another from the inbox

    For all you new moms and dads and those yet to be...




    Pregnancy Q & A
    Q: Should I have a baby after 40?

    A: No, 40 children is enough.


    Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

    A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.


    Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

    A: Childbirth.


    Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

    A: So what's your question?


    Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

    A: Yes , in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.


    Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

    A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.


    Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

    A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.


    Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

    A: Yes, pregnancy.


    Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

    A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly


    Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

    A: When the kids are in college.

  19. #69
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    Another one from the late Irish comedian Dave Allen. You don't have to be United Kingdom, Irish or "Aussie" to appreciate it if you're well-traveled.

    In 1967, Australia lost its prime minster when Harold Holt drowned near shore during a private swim.

    Some time later, Dave Allen worked this into one of his monologues on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" ...


    After the PM drowned, he found himself in front of the Pearly Gates, and was challenged by St. Peter to identify himself.

    Holt: "I'm the prime minister of Australia."

    St. Peter: "Can you prove it?"

    Holt: "How the bleedin' 'ell am I suppos'd to prove to you that I'm the bleedin' prime minister of bleedin' Australia?"

    St. Peter: "You just did."


    Rinsel's Werewolf Test ... a few have dared, but no one has submitted a correct answer. Could you be the first?
    Last edited by rinselberg; 06-19-2007 at 03:22 PM.

  20. #70
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    This middle-aged guy wakes up one morning and notices that his eyes are bulging and his ears are protruding. He becomes very concerned. So he goes to his doctor and asks him what is wrong with him. The doctor told him that he has a rare disease that will require him to take this medication for several months to clear up the disease, however the medication will make his hair fall out permanently.

    Several months later the guy's eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding - more so now that his hair is gone. So this time he goes to a different doctor who informs him that he has a prostate problem and that they will have to remove his testicles. So the guy has the surgery only to find out months later, his eyes are still bulging and his ears are still protruding.
    Determined to find out what is wrong with him he goes to another doctor who tells him that the nerves in his hands are pinching the nerve endings in his ears and his eyes and the only way to resolve the problem is to have his hands amputated. Sadly, the guy lets his hands be amputated.
    On a follow-up visit to this doctor the doctor informs him that while they were doing the surgery on his hands, they found that the man has a terminal cancer and that he only has months to live. The guy is hysterical at this point and resolves that if he only has months to live he is going to live it up. So he goes out to buy a brand new sports car, new furniture, and a new wardrobe. However, when he went to order some custom shirts, the tailor told him he took a 17-inch neck.
    "No, I've always taken a 15-inch neck."
    "But sir, you have a 17-inch neck."
    "Listen - I'm 45 years old, and for the past 30 years I've taken a 15-inch neck."
    "Okay, I'll do it. But you do know what happens when the neck is too small?"
    "What?" "It makes your eyes bulge and your ears protrude."
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  21. #71
    Moderator Sean's Avatar
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    Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.
    Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we had a great time."
    "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
    "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again.
    The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.
    The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is going at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
    Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
    Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
    The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.
    He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"
    The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that ******* fence wasn't electrified."
    Intelligence has its limits, but stupidity knows no bounds.

  22. #72
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    Back in the Roman days, there was a farmer who lived on the outskirts of Rome. He was a very successful farmer, having learned how to grow all manner of things better than all of his peers.
    One year, he grew a bunch of strawberries. One of them grew to truly gigantic proportions, bigger than anyone had ever even heard of. This strawberry was big enough to fill a wheelbarrow! Of course, all his neighbors and friends kept coming by every day to congratulate the farmer and praise his enormous berry. Naturally, word of this fruit eventually came to the ears of the current Emperor, Caesar. Being what he was, the Caesar naturally believed the berry belonged to him, as did everything in the Empire. So he sent some centurions to the farmer's house to confiscate the berry and take it to the Emperor.
    When they got there, there was a huge crowd gathered around the berry patch praising the berry and the farmer. The centurions shouldered their way through the crowd and came up to the farmer who asked if they were there to laud the fruit.
    The leader of the centurions said, "No, we are here to seize your berry, not to praise it."
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  23. #73
    Master OptiBoarder rinselberg's Avatar
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    from the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large"

    90 second video clip

    [youtube]AcXGObhcTW4[/youtube]


    For more Dave Allen posts
    http://www.optiboard.com/forums/show...4&postcount=69
    Last edited by rinselberg; 07-12-2007 at 04:01 AM.

  24. #74
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Gold Supporter DragonLensmanWV's Avatar
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    I heard this one from a friend that lives in Italy. A variation of one we've all heard.

    There was an airplane carrying The Pope, a Boy Scout and Prime Minister Berlusconi. It developed engine trouble and it turned out there were only two parachutes. Berlusconi cried out, "I am the Prime Minister of a great country - I must be saved!" Then he grabs a parachute and jumps out the door. The Pope says to the Scout, "My son, take the last parachute - I've lived a long and pious life, I don't have much to fear." The Boy Scout says to the pope, "Don't worry Father, that smart Prime Minister jumped out of the plane with my backpack, there's parachutes for us both."

    Meanwhile, down on a lake in Italy, two men were fishing when they heard a loudening scream and whoosh! The Prime Minister landed in the water nearby. Not knowing who it was, they rowed over and pulled him gasping from the water. He was extremely grateful and told them, "Whatever you want, you can have for saving my life!" The first man thought and said he would like a nice Roman villa and a healthy income for life. "Done!" exclaimed the Prime Minister. The second man thought and said, "I'd like a huge reward - and a wheelchair." "Done" cried the Minister, "But why do you want a wheelchair?"
    The man said, "Because if my father ever finds out I saved your sorry butt, he'll break my legs!"
    DragonlensmanWV N.A.O.L.
    "There is nothing patriotic about hating your government or pretending you can hate your government but love your country."

  25. #75
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Silver Supporter optical24/7's Avatar
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    Dead Duck..

    A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

    The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

    "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

    "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything! He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

    As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.



    The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

    Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill, "$150! she cried, $150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

    The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.00."

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