Favorite Jokes

[Scott R]

3 Drunks in a bar

Three drinking buddies are sitting at a bar getting a good buzz on .:cheers: The hours tick by and one of them decides to leave for home.

After bidding his friends good nite he heads for the door.

As soon as he is outside he sees a nun walking by in her full habit.

Suddenly he grabs her, punches her in the face, knocks her to the ground and starts mercylessley kicking her.


His two friends hear muffled screams and come running out of the bar.

They grab him and yell what are you doing?!?!?!?

He stands up and says " See guys I told you Batman isnt so tough.":cheers:

[ikon44]

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling. The 90-year-old
said: "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.

What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then
began:

"I have a friend who is a hunter and never misses a season.
One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting
beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and
went: 'Bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you
think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that
beaver."

The doctor replied ... "My point exactly."






> THE "TWO COW" EXPLANATION OF WHAT MAKES...
> >
> >
> > A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
> > You have two cows.
> > You keep one and
> > give one to your neighbor.
> >
> > A SOCIALIST:
> > You have two cows.
> > The government takes one and
> > gives it to your neighbor.
> >
> > AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN:
> > You have two cows.
> > Your neighbor has none.
> > So what?
> >
> > AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT:
> > You have two cows.
> > Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
> > successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows,
> > forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax.
> > The people you voted for then take the tax money and
> > buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
> >
> > A COMMUNIST:
> > You have two cows.
> > The government seizes both
> > and provides you with milk.
> >
> > A FASCIST:
> > You have two cows.
> > The government seizes both and sells you the milk.
> > You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
> >
> > DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> > You have two cows.
> > The government taxes you to the point you have to
> > sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only
> > one cow, which was a gift from your government.
> >
> > CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
> >
> > BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
> > You have two cows.
> > The government takes them both, shoots one, milks
> > the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk
> > down the drain.
> >
> > AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You sell one, and force the other to produce the
> > milk of four cows.
> > You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
> >
> > A FRENCH CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You go on strike
> > because you want three cows.
> >
> > A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
> > an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
> > You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and
> > market them World-Wide.
> >
> > A GERMAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,
> > eat once a month, and milk themselves.
> >
> > A BRITISH CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > They are mad.
> > They die.
> > Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
> >
> > AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows,
> > but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
> >
> > A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You count them and learn you have five cows. You
> > count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
> > You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
> > You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
> >
> > A SWISS CORPORATION:
> > You have 5000 cows, none of which
> > belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
> >
> > A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You enter into a partnership with an American corporation.
> > Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
> > declares bankruptcy.
> >
> > AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You worship both of them.
> >
> > A CHINESE CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
> > employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest
> > the newsman who reported on them
> >
> > AN ISRAELI CORPORATION:
> > There are these two Jewish cows, right?
> > They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and
> > then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard
> > to become doctors. So, who needs people?
> >
> > AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
> > You have two cows.
> > That one on the left is kinda cute...



Subject: FW: > This refers to all accountants and auditors


A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit
an old rabbi. He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he
says,"Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"
The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a
while they send us a free candle.

" The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your matzoh
balls."
"We send them to the matzoh ball factory, and every once in a while they
send us a free box of matzoh balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your
circumcisions?" The rabbi says,"We send them to the IRS, and every once in a
while they send us a little prick like you."


> > > > There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a
> > > > woman on board. .......Mission Control in Houston calls:
> > > >
> > > > "Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
> > > > He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment
> > > > 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the
> > > > reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and
> > > > releases the oxygen.
> > > > A few moments later headquarters calls again:
> > > > "Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen." He sits
> > > > down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the
fuel
> > > > injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and
to
> > > > analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon
> > > > dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar
> > > > radiation.
> > > > A little later on, headquarters calls again: "Woman, please .......
> > > > approach the screen." She sits down and just as she is about
> > > > to be told what to do she says.....
> > > > I know, I know !!!! Feed the monkeys, don't touch anything."




> > >
> > > A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
> > > hurts
> > > wherever she touches it.
> > > "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
> > > She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She
> pushes
> > >
> > > her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she
> touches
> > >
> > > makes her scream.
> > > The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
> > > She says "No, I'm really a blonde".
> > > "I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."




It is the opening debate of the 2001 World Women's Conference on the subject
of Female Assertiveness.

The first speaker from Canada stood up: "At last year's conference we spoke
about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference
I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the
second day I still saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had
cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd applauded.

The second speaker from France stood up: "After last year's Conference I
went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that
he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing.
After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he
had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Glasgow stood up: "After last year's Conference ah
went hame and tellt ma man that I widnae dae his cookin', cleanin' or
shoppin' and that he wid haftae dae it hissel. Efter the first day ah saw
nuhin'. Efter the second day ah saw nuhin'. But efter the third day I could
jist see a wee bit oot o ma left eye."

[Scott R]

8 8 8 8

:shiner: A man is walking down the street. He comes near a big wall and behind this wall he hears people chanting 8 8 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 the closer he gets the louder the chanting gets 8 8 8 8 8. He than sees a small hole in the wall. 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8 8. So he puts his eye to the hole and suddenly someone puts their finger in the hole and pokes him in the eye. Than he hears everyone

Chanting 9 9 9 9 :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner: :shiner:

[DragonLensmanWV]

One day, while on patrol on a Navy vessel in the arctic, a sailor overslept and failed to show for duty. The bo'sun sent him up to the Captain for discipline. The Captain walked the man to the prow, pointed to the anchor chains, handed him a broom and told him " I want you to sweep every speck of dirt and ice off every link of that anchor chain and I don't care if it takes you all night! Either that or the brig!"
So the sailor sighs, takes the broom and starts to sweep. After a short while, an arctic tern flew by and landed on his broom. Well the sailor grabbed the tern and tossed it into the air whereupon it flew back and again landed on his broom. He grabbed it, tossed it and it flew back. This was getting maddening, but he kept at it. This went on all night and he got no work done.
Then the Captain came to inspect his work in the morning. Seeing that the chain was still dirty he started to really bawl out the sailor. After a few minutes, the Captain wound down enough to ask him, "Just what in the Hell were you doing all night, sailor?"
And the sailor replied, "Sorry, sir. I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

[Sean]

[DragonLensmanWV]

A man from Rhode Island travels down to Texas. Being thirsty and bit hungry, he enters a local diner.
"I'll have a small bag of potato chips and a small beer." says the man to the waitress.
A couple minutes later, the waitress brings out a wheelbarrow full of chips.
"But I ordered a SMALL bag of chips!" he said. "This is Texas, sir - this is the smallest we have." A minute later, she rolls out a keg of beer for him. Again he protests the size, but again the waitress says, "Sir, this is Texas, we do things big here - this is the smallest we have."
So he chugs as much as he can, eats as much as he can and after awhile he asks the waitress, "I have to use the Rest Room, can you tell me where it is?"
She says, "Down the hallway, last door on the right." So he goes down the hallway, but goes into the last door on the left and falls into the swimming pool.
He screams frantically "DON'T FLUSH IT!!!!!"

[Sean]

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same." The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"

[DragonLensmanWV]

Do you know why Columbus, Ohio has no professional sports team?


Because if they did, Cincinnati and Cleveland would want one too.:drop:

[CME4SPECS]

Columbus has a MLS team called the Crew!

[DragonLensmanWV]

Columbus has a MLS team called the Crew!

Aw, man! You're ruining a perfectly good dig at Cleveland and Cincinnati!:D

[Snitgirl]

Actually it didn't suck for me, it was funny.. but... maybe... lol, maybe for you... ahahahaha sorry fezzy, it just cracked me up! my paycheck.. ahahah, good one... good one...

Favorite Joke = My Paycheck! :shiner::hammer::shiner:


Couldn't help myself. Let the groaning begin.

[Sean]

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."
So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot." :o :shiner: :o

[Sean]

Children were called upon in a classroom to make sentences with words chosen by the teacher. The teacher smiled when Jack raised his hand to participate. She gave him the words 'defeat,' 'deduct,' 'defense,' and 'detail.' Jack stood seriously for a while with all eyes focused on him awaiting his reply:

''Defeat of deduct went over defense before detail!''

[chip anderson]

I actually did this

I had a young lady in who was a catholic nun, modern dress type. She had a pair of rigid contact lenses in bad condition. I polished, re-edged, corrected poor peripheral curves, etc. Or just generally re-built them.

After I finished, the sister asked me: " How much do I owe you?"

I replied: "There's no charge for this."

A small debate ensued, she insisted on paying, I insisted that it be no charge.

I finally prevailed, and the young lady said: "Well O.K. but you are going to have to tell me why there is no charge."

I said: "Well sister I saw that you were wearing a wedding ring, and I have been told this is supposed to sybolize that you are married to God. I'll be damned if I send your old man a bill."

We have been friends ever since.

Chip:cheers:

[rinselberg]

Dave Allen At Large, again ...


A Dublin man, about 30, with just a trace of alcohol on his breath - but not drunk - enters the confessional in his small, neighborhood Catholic church.

"Father, I've been terrible sinful. I've been makin' phone calls."

Phone calls?

"I call up young women and when they answer the phone, I don't say anythin'. But my breathin' gets very fast and loud - like a dog pantin'."

Oh, I see. How many phone calls?

"Two already, this week."

Put two quid in the collection box on your way out. May God be with you.


One week later:

"Father, I've been terrible sinful agin. I made two more phone calls."

I'm not surprised. Sinful habits are hard to break. Put two quid in the collection box and may God be with you.


Two weeks later:

"Father ..." But the priest cuts him off in midsentence.

How many phone calls?

"Three."

Put three quid in the box on your way out. May God be with you.

"All I got is a fiver."

Put it in the box and have two more phone calls.




See Dave Allen At Large explain The Secret Of Happiness ...