Page 13 of 15 FirstFirst ... 389101112131415 LastLast
Results 301 to 325 of 363

Thread: Favorite Jokes

  1. #301
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801

    Back in the day....

    When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to a corner store with $1 and I’d come back with 5 potatoes, 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese, a box of tea and six eggs. You can’t do that now a days….




    .....Too many security cameras

  2. #302
    Bad address email on file OptiBoard Gold Supporter Sean's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2000
    Location
    NC & MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    2,798
    ​A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

  3. #303
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Long coat clown.
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  4. #304
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801
    Quote Originally Posted by Robert Martellaro View Post
    Long coat clown.
    Hey! I know that doctor!!

  5. #305
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Quote Originally Posted by optical24/7 View Post
    Hey! I know that doctor!!
    I know that clown!!!
    Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 01-30-2015 at 03:54 PM.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  6. #306
    OptiBoard Apprentice
    Join Date
    Mar 2015
    Location
    CA
    Occupation
    Ophthalmic Technician
    Posts
    10
    Patience brings power

  7. #307
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Two muffins are baking in an oven. First muffin turns to the second and says "Man, sure is hot in here eh?" The second muffin says, "Holy schit! A talking muffin!"
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  8. #308
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801
    I love that one Robert, it reminds me of this one...

    A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read ... 'and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
    The teacher paused then asked the class:
    'And what do you think the man said?'
    One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly ..'I think the man would have said - 'Well, I’ll be damned!! A talking pig!'

  9. #309
    OptiBoard Novice
    Join Date
    Aug 2010
    Location
    New Orleans
    Occupation
    Other Eyecare-Related Field
    Posts
    2
    A cowboy walked into a bar... and ordered a whiskey. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"


    The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."


    "Hanging? Who are they hanging?"


    "Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.


    "What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.


    "Well," said the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."


    "Weird guy," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"



    ...




    "Rustling," said the bartender.


  10. #310
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

    'Is it mine?'
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  11. #311
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Ha!
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  12. #312
    OptiBoard Professional ThePinkRanger's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2016
    Location
    Pittsfield, MA
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    103
    Guess who I saw today?


    Everyone I looked at.

  13. #313
    Ghost in the OptiMachine Quince's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Sebago ME
    Occupation
    Optical Laboratory Technician
    Posts
    1,172
    I came up with a joke that really fleshes out my nerdism- it's one only Doctor Who fans in optics will understand:



    What did the Doctor say to the lens that was too thick?

    REGENERATE!!
    Have I told you today how much I hate poly?

  14. #314
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801
    They recently held the Edinburgh Fringe Festival over in the UK. They judge the funniest jokes of the year (in their opinion..) here are a few ( Keep in mind, British humor can be a bit different than the states) ...


    6. "Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated." -- Tiff Stevenson

    5. "I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasn't much use. Just for a laugh I wrote The Beatles or Steven Gerrard for every answer... came second." -- Will Duggan

    4. "Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit." -- Mark Smith

    3. "I've been happily married for four years -- out of a total of 10." -- Mark Watson

    2. "Why is it old people say "there's no place like home", yet when you put them in one..." -- Stuart Mitchell

    1. "My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart." -- Masai Graham

  15. #315
    Ghost in the OptiMachine Quince's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2016
    Location
    Sebago ME
    Occupation
    Optical Laboratory Technician
    Posts
    1,172
    Oh very good! We watch a lot of BBC in my house. Black Books is one of my favorite shows! We're also looking forward to whatever the guys from Top Gear are working on. Also I can't not mention The Catherine Tate Show, because her show might not be the funniest, but she is an idol of mine
    Have I told you today how much I hate poly?

  16. #316
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Three-legged dog walks into a saloon, says, "I'm lookin' fer the low-down varmint that shot my paw."
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  17. #317
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801
    A local charity had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called to get a contribution.
    "Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity," the director began. "Wouldn't you like to help the community?"
    The lawyer replied, "Did your research show that my mother is ill, with medical bills several times her annual income?"
    "Um, no," mumbled the director.
    "Or that my brother is blind and unemployed?" The stricken director began to stammer an appology.
    "Or that my sister's husband died in an accident," said the lawyer, his voice rising inindignation, "leaving her penniless with three kids?"
    The humiliated director said simply,"I had no idea."
    "So, if I don't give any money to them, why would I give money to you?"

  18. #318
    OptiBoard Novice
    Join Date
    Aug 2015
    Location
    US
    Occupation
    Optical Laboratory Technician
    Posts
    5
    Why do you never see hippopotamus hiding in trees?



    Because they are really good at it.

  19. #319
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801
    Just to prove we can take a joke down here......

    A Texas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says
    to the driver, "Got any ID?"
    The driver says, "Bout what?"
    *******
    Two Texans are walking toward each other and one is carrying a sack.
    One says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, whatcha got in the bag?"
    "Jes, some chickens."
    "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
    "Shoot, if you guesses right I'll give ya both of 'em."
    "Ummmmmm....five?"
    *******
    A Texan came home and found his house on fire.
    He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here - muh house is on fahr."
    "OK," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?"
    "Shucks, don't you fellers still have them big red trucks?"
    *******
    Why do folks in Texas go to the movies in groups of 18 or more?
    Because they heard that 17 and under aren't admitted.
    *******
    Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911.
    The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
    "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
    "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
    The operator asked. "Can you spell that for me?"
    After a long pause Bubba said. "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
    *******
    Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Texas to 32?
    They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
    *******
    What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Texas?
    Documentaries.
    *******

    Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Texas State Lottery?
    The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
    *******


    A new law was recently passed in Texas so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.


    *******
    What do a divorce in Texas, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common?
    No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a house trailer.
    *******

  20. #320
    OptiBoard Novice
    Join Date
    Nov 2016
    Location
    London
    Occupation
    Ophthalmologist
    Posts
    2
    I love this one.

    Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
    The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
    Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
    The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
    Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
    The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
    "A cat," Schrödinger replies.
    The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
    Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."

  21. #321
    Master OptiBoarder optical24/7's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Down on the Farm
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,801

    When you're 70, who cares?

    I was standing at the bar at the VFW one night minding my own business.

    This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"

    I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah, I got a pen".

    I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

    Cost me 6 stitches...but,

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?




    I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

    The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

    When you’re seventy...............who cares?




    I went to our VFW last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

    I said, "Good legs."

    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    Cost me 6 more stitches, but...
    When you’re seventy...............who cares?

  22. #322
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456

    Telemarketers

    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  23. #323
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 07-30-2018 at 05:45 PM.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



  24. #324
    Master OptiBoarder OptiBoard Silver Supporter rdcoach5's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2006
    Location
    Rossford, Ohio
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    1,604
    The ice fisherman had just started cutting a hole in the ice when a booming voice sounded, " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!" After looking all around and seeing no one the fisherman again started cutting his hole and the voice again boomed " THERE ARE NO FISH HERE!". Five minutes passed until the ice fisherman became convinced that he had heard an echo or some other naturally explained phenomena. He again started to cut his hole in the ice when the voice boomed " GET OFF THE ICE RINK !! "

  25. #325
    One eye sees, the other feels OptiBoard Silver Supporter
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Location
    Wauwatosa Wi
    Occupation
    Dispensing Optician
    Posts
    5,456
    Failed ophthalmic pick-up line

    Last edited by Robert Martellaro; 11-23-2018 at 05:06 PM.
    Science is a way of trying not to fool yourself. - Richard P. Feynman

    Experience is the hardest teacher. She gives the test before the lesson.



Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 2 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 2 guests)

Similar Threads

  1. Practical Jokes
    By morinput in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 32
    Last Post: 03-29-2012, 01:24 PM
  2. Optical jokes
    By Personalizedoptics in forum General Optics and Eyecare Discussion Forum
    Replies: 62
    Last Post: 05-29-2010, 07:33 PM
  3. Dumb jokes
    By chm2023 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 23
    Last Post: 08-12-2006, 09:11 PM
  4. optician jokes
    By ikon44 in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 3
    Last Post: 06-18-2004, 02:52 PM
  5. More Cracker Jokes...
    By John R in forum Just Conversation
    Replies: 4
    Last Post: 12-30-2002, 09:45 AM

Bookmarks

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •