To All U.S. Citizens - A Memo From Your Queen

[Steve Machol]

[Posted on behalf of Queen Liz who's royally ******!]

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no
longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "****".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

[Darris Chambless]

Dear Queen Elizabeth II,

I would like to offer a personal "welcome" to you and have a request. Please make "The Two Fat Ladies" the dietitions for the entire country. That is all.

Your royal subject

Darris Von Shtudhousen

[John R]

I hope you were both standing to attention while typing :D
Sadly Darris it is now only one fat lady :(

John "God bless you mam" R

[Pete Hanlin]

Dearest Queen,

Before you get your knickers all up in a wad, remember the famous words of Patrick Henry ("eat my shorts!") ;) I would remind the honorable Queen that she should be happy to leave the U.S. the bloody heck alone.

For example, if the United States of America were not independent of the United Kingdom...

• who would have saved your little island not once, but twice, in this century's two world wars (wasn't it Dunkirk where y'all...?)?
• who would have invented cable television, soap operas, MTV, and the mini-series (have you ever actually watched British television???)?
• who would be so kind as to expend 25% of the world's resources while only comprising 6% of the world's population (see, we're doing more than our fair share!)?
• who would have given the Beatles somewhere to become ridiculously famous (its not like they had any actual talent or anything)?
• who would have bought out failing British car manufacturers like Jaguar (thank you, Ford) to keep them alive and well?
• three little words "Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders"
• who would pay for 83% of the United Nations?
• who would have invented the cotton gin, the light bulb, the machine gun, the radio, or hula hoops

As to your somewhat misguided views of the National Football League, I would point out that just two years ago football invaded the European continent and that the Superbowl is the most watched sporting event in the world.

American cars rule. (that's a period). We invented the assembly line (and the Teamsters Union to go with it), the muscle car, and every single other good thing to be put on four wheels. German cars are okay if you get into cars that last forever and never break down, but there will never be another vehicle to approach the 1965 Ford Mustang- ever.

Finally, I believe we settled this little matter some years ago (strangely enough, most of our own citizens believe we won independence in 1776... it actually took a few years to actually win the war). As for attacking France, I believe they were the folks that helped us whup y'all (of course, helping us bankrupted their country and led to a lot of head chopping, but you can read A Tale of Two Cities to learn all about that little episode).

As for vocabularies, here's a few phrases for you to try out: "taxation without representation," "live free or die," "give me liberty or give me death," "government of the people, by the people, and for the people," and "we do not choose to do these things because they are easy, but because they are hard."

Rather than trying to re-establish an empire upon which the "sun never sets," shouldn't you be worried about your feckless son (trust me, everyone is wishing you a very long life indeed if he'll be running the kingdom).

Pete "I believe the real words to that tune are My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty..." Hanlin

PS- Certainly no offense to our British friends here... your Queen just got a little out of hand there and a little good humored response was required.

[John R]

In response to what Pete just said we have no option now but to send over Charlies girlfriend "Camilia parker whats the rest of her name" and if that dont work then we use the secret trick of the Princess royal :D She will sort you lot out in double quick time on look at her and you will be quivering in your boots :D
In responce to the "football" thing, thats the proper one with round balls, i notice that your females are doing better at it than your males :D

John "Only wossies play with balls, dressed like that" R

[EyeManFla]

Originally posted by john r:
In responce to the "football" thing, thats the proper one with round balls, i notice that your females are doing better at it than your males :D

John "Only wossies play with balls, dressed like that" R[/I]

You know, ther is a REALLY,REALLY great joke here, but I won't go there! ;)

[Maria]

As regards the Beatles, it should be noted that you shot one.
Maria
PS American footballers are the ones with odd-shaped balls, right?
PPS John the Optiwizard! Show us yer wand!

[David Wilson]

Well said, Your Majesty.
Oh, and Pete, when you suggest that the Super Bowl is the most watched sporting event in the world I assume that your definition of "world" is the same as that used in the "World Series" (the Canadians must feel relieved at being part of the world!) or the 'World Champion Super Bowl Ring". Incidentally, how often do they use the foot in American Football (or rugby, for that matter). There is only one true football!
David (I really do like gridiron) Wilson

[Pete Hanlin]

<FONT COLOR=#FF0000>There is only one true football!</FONT>

Actually, I played organized soccer (how did the term "soccer" originate, anyway) for 13 years, so I have nothing against it as a sport. In fact, for someone of my particular physical stature (ok, I'm short), soccer is the "great equalizer" of sports (even the largest goon comes down nicely with a good sliding tackle ;) ).

That said, games which often end with less than 2 or 3 goals scored are never going to have the drama and attraction of a National Football League (or better yet, an NCAA) game.

If you want a sport that takes real grit, you have to play either rugby (gotta admit, those are some tough- if not crazy- individuals) or ice hockey. There is no way I would accept $500,000 to play through an entire season in the NHL (not that anyone would be offering, considering I don't skate all that well).

Pete "I'll take a two point conversion over a corner kick any day" Hanlin

PS- You have a point though, John- football uniforms do leave a lot to be desired. I remember being 9 years old and playing soccer in almost freezing condition- in shorts! Thank God for long socks and insulated shin pads...

PPS- Sorry Steve, we have diluted and redirected the subject of your original post- which was quite humorous!

[Darris Chambless]

Hello John,

Jennifer has past away?

I hope there was at least news coverage over there about this and possibly a parade in her honor. That would be fitting for someone of her magnitude (no pun intended ;-)

I hope you don't mind if I say a little prayer in her honor? Let us pray:

Friends, we are gathered here today to console the loved ones and to pay our last respects to Jennifer and ask for a safe journey into the kingdom of God. To quote a passage I saw not too long ago:

"At the beginning a ship sits in the harbor ready for her long journey. A journey that will take her to a far away place. As she hoists her sails and takes off to the horizon she becomes harder and harder for me to see until she is completely out of sight. With a heavy heart I say "She's gone."

Yet on the opposite shore there are others that look to the horizon with anticipation. Upon the first sign of the sails they will shout "Here she comes!" and they will welcome her with open arms. And this is called death."

That always chokes me up a little.

Honestly I really got a kick out of those two. Some of the things they cooked were a little on the odd side, but I guess you'd have to be British to appreciate it :-) Maria is suppose to be smuggling...er, sending me some HP Sauce. I can't wait.

Take care,

Darris "Always sad when one of our own passes" Chambless

[John R]

Originally posted by Darris Chambless:
Hello John,


"At the beginning a ship sits in the harbor ready for her long journey. A journey that will take her to a far away place. As she hoists her sails and takes off to the horizon she becomes harder and harder for me to see until she is completely out of sight. With a heavy heart I say "She's gone."

Na she sat in the greasy spoon cafe with a bacon buttie and mug of tea, surounded by hells angles for company, before vrooming of into the distance on the bike with a cloud of smoke covering her disaperance. :D
We shout go for it gal...... give gabriel what for :D

I'm not sure which one died never realy liked em....

John "god whats my wife cooking now" R

[optispares]

perhaps you could invite the "queen"to come and live in san francisco i'm sure she would be at home with the rest of the queens.

or maybe you could cover her in padding and she could play your rather strange version of football (why it's called that when you don't use your feet i'm not sure)
have a nice day y'all.
jack. :D

P'S PITY THE GUY WHO SHOT ONE BEATLE COULDN'T
FIND THE OTHER THREE.


[This message has been edited by optispares (edited 11-16-2000).]

[optispares]

I think you might have to rename your country after your latest election. hardly united states.
:D :D
JACK

[David Wilson]

Pete,
I just couldn't let you question go unanswered, so here's another piece of trivia to add to your list. Soccer is a corruption of the game's official name "association football". The British just love formal names for things. Squash, for example, is really "squash racquets".
You get get $500000 for lasting a whole season in the NHL? Can you give me the phone number? I can't skate but I'm willing to stand in front of the little net (well padded up). I'm also willing to go in the ring with Mike Tyson for several million (but not for long).
Regards
David