Favorite Jokes

[DragonLensmanWV]

I'll start with an old one my dad really enjoyed.

Back in the medieval times there was a serf named Benny. Through no fault of his own, Benny was the lowliest serf in the kingdom. One day Benny was sitting near the gutter, head in hands feeling sorry for himself, when - Poof! Right next to him appeared a Fairy Godmother who told him, "Benny, we have been watching you for a long time. You are a very good person who just has had a lot of awful luck. So I'd like to reward you. I'll give you three wishes - on one condition. You can never again get either a shave or a haircut for the rest of your life."
Benny thought it over for a minute, then decided it was a good deal, so he agreed. Poof! The Fairy Godmother disappeared, reminding him of his oath.
So the first thing Benny wished for was a castle bigger than the King's. Poof! Right beside him appeared a resplendent castle. He then wished for money to fill the treasure vaults. Poof!The castle settled a bit further into the ground with all the weight of the treasure.
So Benny ran into his castle to explore and when he got to the topmost minaret, he spied the King's army getting ready for battle to rid the King of this interloper. So Benny used his last wish for an army big enough to defeat all around. Poof! The army appeared, and the next thing you know, Benny was the new King and ruler.
True to his nature, Benny was a benevolent ruler, and his kingdom prospered like it never had before.
Forty years later, Benny was walking along the street with his attendants behind him carrying his long beard and hair in a wheelbarrow. He passed many people who thanked him for his beneficence and as he passed by a barber shop he looked in to see people getting haircuts and shaves. Benny thinks that since the Fairy Grandmother was so old forty years ago, she must not be around anymore. So he gives up and goes on inside to get his hair cut and his beard shaved. As he was looking at himself in the mirror, admiring his older face he'd never seen, the mirror's surface rippled and the face of the Fairy Godmother appeared, looking ever so sad.
"Benny," She said. "We had such high hopes for you. And you had done SO well over these last forty years too. Now I'm going to have to punish you because you broke your promise." So she waves her magic wand and turned Benny into a magnificently painted six-foot tall decorative urn.

Which goes to prove the moral of the story:
A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.


You may groan now.:D

[jcasowder]

duck joke

A duck walks in a bar, jumps onto the bar, and asks the bartender "Hey, got any grapes?"
The bartender looks at the duck and warily sayd "No".
The duck says "OK", hops down and leaves.

He comes back in the next day and asks the same question. The bartender says "No, you asked yesterday. We don't have any grapes here, and if you come in again and ask me the same question, I'll nail your feet to the bar!!!"
The duck says "OK and leaves.

Well, as you can guess, the duck came back the next day. When the bartender saw him, he got ******. But, he held it in, and waited for the duck to hop on the bar. The duck got up and asked the bartender "Hey, got any nails?"
"No", the bartenter replied, confused.

Then the duck said....... "Good, got any grapes?"



couldn't help it. so stupid it's funny!!!!!:p

[Ory]

I think you missed a line. After the second time, the bartender says "No, and if you ask again I'm going to nail your bill to the bar"

Now the laughter may begin!:cheers:

[Dave Nelson]

Three Canadians are sitting in a bar in the United States. Some of the local boys are curious to know who the strangers are, so they send one of their own over to see.
"so where you boys from, anyway?" says the American.
"Edmonton, Alberta" says the first Canadian.
"Saskatoon, Saskatchewan," says the second.
"Flin-Flon, Manitoba," says the third.
The American goes back to his own table.
"Well? where are they from?" says the other Americans.
"Well, I don't know," says the first American, they don't speak a word of english."

[DragonLensmanWV]

Stupid funny is still funny!

Good ones, people!:cheers:


A man walks into a bar and sits down at the bar. He starts drinking and is starting to get pretty plowed. The guy next to him, also drunk, starts talking about how windy it is.
"I tell you - it's so windy up here that when the wind hits the sides of the buildings and goes up, the updraft is so strong that you can actually float in it!"
The first guy doesn't believe a word of it, so the second guy talks him into going up on the roof with him,
The second guy says, "Look, I'll show you!" So he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, then a bit more, then his feet leave the edge and sure enough, he's hanging there in the air. So he works his hands and arms a bit and glides back to the rooftop. "See!" he says. "It's really easy!"
The first guy was really impressed by that so he goes over to the ledge, leans out a bit, leans out a bit more, then whoosh! He falls to his grisly death many floor below.
The second guy goes back down to the bar and orders another drink.
The bartender says, "What? Another one?!!!? You sure are a prick when you get drunk, Superman!"


<rimshot>

[rinselberg]

I wasn't exactly dyin' to jump in here, but seeing the other current topic Calmness in our lives... jogged my memory about the Irish-born comedian Dave Allen (1936-2005). I enjoyed the reruns on U.S. television of the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large" show.


Irish-born comedian Dave Allen hoists his customary tumbler of whiskey as he spins another joke on the BBC's "Dave Allen At Large".

And the joke that came to mind went more or less like this:

A poor Irish sod from one of the many wrong sides of the fence that are known in Dublin was looking for the secret of happiness. So he went all around the world and again, making no progress, until someone told him to climb one of the highest mountains in the Himalayas and seek out the cave of an unfathomably old and wise Tibetan monk. Finally, the hapless Irishman reaches this cave. He's about half-dead from the cold and the exertion of the climb. Summoning all of the life that he still has left in him, he puts the question to the mysterious old monk ...

What's the secret of happiness?

to which the monk replies

The secret of happiness is never to disagree, no matter what you are confronted with. Seek harmony with everyone and everything around you. Always maintain the utmost in amiableness and agreeability.

Outraged, the half-dead Dubliner gasps

That's not the secret of happiness!

and the monk says very calmly and affably

OK. So it's not the secret of happiness ...

Of course, it was far better when Dave Allen told it on camera. He knew how to impersonate the characters.





Rinsel raises the question

Are ya' plannin' to drink that beer, or write a freakin' book about it ..?

See Beer Of The Day, an off-forum blog dedicated to the celebration of beer and ale (good or otherwise) as an Objet d'art ...

[HarryChiling]

Guy walks into a bar and sees a sighn "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST MAN TO MAKE MY DONKEY LAUGH", so he goes to the bartender and asks "all I have to do is make the donkey laugh". The bartender says "yes, my donkey is through those doors". The man comes out and the donkey is laughing so the bartender serves him all night. The next day the man comes into the bar again and the sign now reads "FREE BEER ALL NIGHT TO THE FIRST PERSON TO MAKE MY DONKEY CRY". The man knowing where the donkey is kept walks into the room and comes out 2 minutes later with the donkey crying. He sits at the bar and orders his usual. The bartender says "OK, buddy before you get another drop from my tap I want to know how you made my donkey laugh and cry".

The man says the first night, "I told your donkey my p*nis is bigger than yours", the second night the man says, "I proved it".

And I was that man.:D

[Sean]

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her more beautiful, so she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.
The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your Note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons of milk. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath".
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

[HarryChiling]

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs."

ROTFLMAO

[Fezz]

Just heard this one...

Bill and Hillary Clinton get into a pub without standing in the long line.
They bring there pet duck with them and sit at the bar.
A few minutes go by and some guy runs up and grabs the ducks tail feathers, lifts it rear, sets it down and runs out.
A few minutes later, same thing happens. Some guy runs in, lifts the ducks tail feathers, drops it and bolts out the door.
One after another, these locals run in and do the same thing!


Finally, a business man at the other end of the bar leans over and asks one of the locals "What the heck is going on?"

The local takes a long draw of his mug of ale and replies....

My cousin Ernie is outside waiting in line and is taking bets because.....

"Rumor has it, theres a duck sitting at the bar with two A*SH*LES"




:cheers::shiner::cheers::shiner::cheers:

[Johns]

An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D :D

[DragonLensmanWV]

Man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I pass gas at least 100 times a day! The good news is, they're silent and they don't smell bad."
The doctor hands him a bottle of pills that says to take one a day for two weeks.
The man returns two weeks later. "Doctor, Doctor! You gotta help me! I STILL pass gas at least 100 times a day! They're still silent, but now they smell AWFUL!"
The doctor writes something on an Rx pad, holds it out so the mane can read it.
It says,
"We've cured your sinus problem, now we'll work on your hearing loss."

[DragonLensmanWV]

An Optician, and OD, and an MD walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?":D :D

Four blind men walk into a bar,
"Ow"
"Ow"
"Ow"
"Ow"

[Sean]

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said, "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"

A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife and said, "Your husband's test results were fine, but he said something strange that has been bugging me. He claims that God turns the light on and off for him when uses the bathroom at night." Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again!" :shiner:

[HarryChiling]

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"