Steve's Thoughts

Why Septembers will never be the same

8 Comments

, 09-18-2007 at 10:39 PM (4630 Views)

Those of you who have been around for a while know that Marlena and I lost our daughter Liz four years ago. This Friday would have been her 30th birthday and that is also four years to the day that the Doctors told us she was lost and gone for good.

Septembers used to be a month of joy and celebration in our house. We had 4 birthdays to celebrate along with many other things. Now Septembers have changed forever. Instead of joy, there is mostly dispair and sadness. In spite of what you may believe, the passage of time does not lessen the sadness and hurt. It remains a part of you forever.

Still, we do the best we can and are fortunate to get extra help and support from our kids and family. Earlier this month two of our sons and their spouses spent some time with us. And this Thursday our other son Tony will be coming in from California to be with us during the most difficult days.

Here's a few words of advice on what never to say to a parent that has lost a clild:

"You have to stop being depressed and get on with your life."

The first time I heard that I had to refrain myself from doing or saying something terrible to this person. Never assume you can tell a parent when they should stop grieiving the loss of their child. It's cruel and unthinking.

"She is in a better place now."

My reaction to this is just as strong as to the first one. First, it assumes that the parent shares your religous views. Never assume that! Because if you are wrong, you have hurt them tremendously with your callousness.

Second her 'better' place is on this Earth until we are gone. Children should outlive their parents. Anything less is a tragedy.

"You'll be with her again someday."

This is as bad as the previous one and for the same reasons.

I'm sure more will come to mind later but right now my eyes are too teared up to continue.

However I leave you with what you can say:

"I'm so sorry and if there is anything I can do, please let me know."

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Comments

AngryFish - 09-19-2007 11:45 PM
Steve I just tonight stumbled on this terrible happening in your life when curiosity made me wonder what you meant by “Forever Liz’s Dad”. I read many of the posts and want to offer some words of comfort but I don’t know any that will bring you the peace I wish for you. But I remember a quote that has remained with me for many years and it was said by a great man who was dealt a similar pain with the loss of his daughter. The words stay with me, I believe, because there is sweetness and tenderness in the remembrance that is only understood in grief. He said, “She was beautiful in face and form and lovelier still in spirit and the day she left the light went from my eyes never to return.” Robert
Steve Machol - 09-20-2007 01:13 AM
Thank you.
Christosfer - 09-21-2007 11:30 PM
I am sorry to hear of your loss Steve. You are right in saying that it is tragic, there is something in us that says it is not supposed to be this way. Do you have a favorite memory of her that would like to share?
hcjilson - 09-23-2007 09:11 PM
Others have left messages on the tribute page if you haven't seen it yet. You have given us this community and made friends out people who were once strangers. We feel for you and Marlena and want you to know that we're in your corner.
From your friend Harry
HarryChiling - 10-25-2007 05:36 PM
When I hear about the things Liz was interested in and the friends responses to her passing I too miss her. The world is full of some nasty people and for a bright soul, such as her; to pass means that the world is in mourning. I would have loved to have meet her. I would have loved to have seen September with her in this world and a Steve that doesn't have to grieve. I hope that one day the pain does dull and until then I wish you and Marlena the best. Again whatever I can do let me know.
Caree - 11-08-2007 04:06 PM
Steve, that was the worst year of our lives. I hope we never have one to match it or beat it. We love you all. Caree
deceyewear - 03-06-2008 07:41 AM
I am a new member here, I do not know what was happening before, but I learnt that Steve lost his loved daughter four years ago, I hope your hurt would be dulled along with the flying of the time. Somebody said time is the best doctor. Anyway, hope everything of you would be better and better, please you always remember that there are many friends from all the world are always caring you as well the world is beautiful, and tomorrow would be a sunshine day!
Kattb - 10-09-2008 05:55 PM
Steve. Sorry for the loss of your daughter.
About your comments on what others tell you...
I lost my youngest son at 23yrs. old, 9 yrs ago this Jan. I feel the same now as when he died, never got use to the loss, never know what to say to the comments made to me when others find out. Tell me how you handle the situation.
I know everyday is different, some worse than others but I have trouble telling the commenter how I feel about what they say. I never joined a group, just became more involved in my work and other children, which doesn't really help.
If talking about this to me helps, then good. If you would rather not, just let me know.:)
Thanks, Kattb